That's what the new breed say
[What looks like a college classroom with a few dozen young men and women in business casual sitting at folding chairs with tablet arms. At the head of the class, standing before a whiteboard, is presumptive Speaker of the House in the 118th Congress KEVIN McCARTHY in a white shirt with sleeves rolled up, a red tie, khakis and athletic shoes.]
McCARTHY: Now, I’m not Speaker yet, but we want to hit the ground running and I think you freshmen are going to be the heart and soul of our success in the 118th. Now you may have heard that freshmen are supposed to just listen to the leadership and do what they’re told. But let me tell you something: When I’ve got the gavel you guys are going to have a lot of input. And I figure, hey, why not start right here? Let’s hear what you have to say about how we’re going to turn America around. So: My first question to you is, what should be the focus of the new majority in —
SEVERAL VOICES OVERLAPPING: HUNTER BIDEN’S LAPTOP! HUNTER BIDEN’S LAPTOP! HUNTER BIDEN’S LAPTOP!
[McCARTHY raises his arms and makes a simmer-down gesture.]
McCARTHY: OK, OK, yes, thank you, we have that covered, thank you. But besides that! Let’s try and think of other topics — topics that will show America that the Republican Party is the Party that reflects their interests. Yes, you there.
[A skinny, intense-looking young man with a receding hairline whose black suit is too big for him, rises and speaks in a breathlessly urgent voice.]
YOUNG MAN: Hello Mr. McCarthy I’m Walter Pikk representing the Boonerville-Swampgrass district in North Carolina and I think America needs to know, especially now that the Democrats have intensified their propaganda campaign for so-called Ukraine-without-the-The, that this is not our fight and we should not give the TheUkraineans a nickel of their hard-earned money while U.S. police officers are dying from fentanyl from fentanyl-laced envelopes and air.
[A little applause from the others.]
McCARTHY: Yes, well, that’s one we —
PIKK: Sir, please sir, I’m not finished thank you, I think the American people would be interested to know that while Vladimir Putin has taken a strong stand against homosexuality and transgender, just as the Republican Party has, Volodymyr Zelenskyy comes from the entertainment industry which is rife with homosexuality and transgender and is in fact the leading cause of groomerism worldwide. I would like the House to subpoena the tyrant Zelenskyy and make him answer questions, as I tried to ask him from the House gallery yesterday but was denied entry by the fascist FBI, as to his stand on this and also Drag Queen Story Hour and fentanyl.
[PIKK starts to sit, then leaps back up:]
Excuse me also black crime at Walgreens thank you.
McCARTHY: Well, Walter, we may have to finesse that one a little bit. For one thing, we want to be absolutely clear that while the Party is against the corruption of children it is not against gay people. In fact I see we have a gay freshman here today — George Santos from New York. Stand up, George. [Pause] George, stand up please.
[Necks crane toward GEORGE SANTOS, who looks bewildered.]
SANTOS: There must be some mistake. My name is Henry White.
McCARTHY: George, I met you at the Vanderbilt Room last week, come on.
ANOTHER FRESHMAN: Hey, George, I saw you at S.O.B’s last week! Eu sou Brasileiro, dude!
SANTOS: What is that? Is that some Brazilian thing? Because I’m not Brazilian and I’m certainly not gay! And I don’t represent New York, I represent the 2nd District in Oklahoma as a proud Cherokee! My parents were in the Trail of Tears —
McCARTHY: Alright, alright, all that to one side, let’s see what else we can think of that will capture the imagination of ordinary Americans — people who have jobs and have to keep to budgets and have children in school and — ah, yes, the young woman in the back, there, Ms. Ramirez, you’re from Texas, I believe? One of our Latina members who are the future of our Party — along with everyone else, I mean!
[RAMIREZ, a demure-looking young woman in a red skirt and bolero jacket, white shirt, and grey flats, stands, clears her throat, and says in a faint, sweet voice:]
RAMIREZ: Yes thank you, Mr. Speaker, and thank you for this opportunity. To get the American people on our side, we of the Republican Party must show that we understand the kitchen table bread and butter issues that we were sent to Washington to address. First and foremost of these issues is forced vaccination with nanobots that Bill Gates and Anthony Fauci got from Epstein’s plane with George Soros to program our young people with communism and pedophilia, which is revealed in Elon Musk’s Twitter Files and the Protocols of the Elders of Zion. Because where we go one —
MOST OF THE ROOM: — WE GO ALL!
[Loud cheering, chants of “HUNTER BIDEN’S LAPTOP.”]
McCARTHY: [Resignedly] Class dismissed.