The Changing of the Arrgh

On to the next thing

© 2018 Jared Holt under a Creative Commons license

[What looks like the living room a higher-end extended stay hotel suite. Seated on a sofa having coffee and danishes from a large tray on a coffee table are MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE, wearing a dark blue dress; BEN SHAPIRO, wearing a Persian blue suit with a powder blue shirt open at the throat; and CHARLIE KIRK wearing the exact same ensemble as SHAPIRO but with the colors reversed.]

SHAPIRO: Me? I’d be sweating bullets if I got fined a billion dollars.

KIRK: No way they’re gonna get anything like that! No way! They probably won’t get any of it! I mean look, how long has this thing been going on? Seven, ten years? And they haven’t got any money from him yet? Al’s a legal genius, man, I mean in addition to being a genius genius and a truth teller and, above all, great entertainment — see, that’s what they don’t understand, these, these prosecutors and judges and all these people who act like this isn’t just a big joke, like it’s serious, like it’s something — like those parents, how long have their kids been dead? Ten years. They’re over it. I guarantee if I died ten years ago and someone said I wasn’t really dead, my parents wouldn’t act all psycho and go to court. They wouldn’t give a shit. Acting like it’s a big deal, it’s just an act, just like your video says, Ben, it’s just a —

SHAPIRO: Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. That is not my video. That is a video hosted on my Facebook channel and does not necessarily reflect my views.

KIRK: Listen to you! You’re bailing on him! Just a little setback and you’re bailing —

SHAPIRO: I am here for Alex, I do not believe everything Alex says, but I am here for him. Like Kanye West, or “ye” as I call him, many of his views are anathema to me, but the fact that I’m here today —

GREENE: Hey! What did you call him!

SHAPIRO: [Confused] What?

GREENE: What did you call him? You called Alex Jones Antifa!

SHAPIRO: Anathema. I said anathema.

GREENE: So not Antifa.

SHAPIRO: No, anathema. It’s a common English word, Marge.

GREENE: Oh, yeah, well maybe at Harvard, Mr. Ivy League! Maybe your fancy language tricks go over big at Harvard, but we’re onto you, we have that guy, that, that, court guy, that judge, he got all the other judges to ban all you Harvard Law School people from ever serving on the Supreme Court ever again!

SHAPIRO: That was Yale. They said they wouldn’t take clerks from Yale.

GREENE: Yale, Harvard, what’s the difference! All you smart guys, all you poindexters with your anathema and your other fancy words, you watch, we’re gonna take care of you, we’re gonna get all the judges from Bible schools and megachurches and then we’ll see who’s smart, Mr. Smart Guy!

[They notice noises in the hall, and a door opening; all rise. Flanked by a couple of NURSES in clinical whites and vintage caps, a beet-red ALEX JONES enters, stumbling, flailing, and gibbering incoherently. He wears grey slacks and no shirt. His eyes roll; he drools and sweats.]

KIRK: Hey, Al! Congratulations!

SHAPIRO: Hello, Al.

GREENE: Praise Jesus, home is the hunter, home from the hill!

[GREENE rushes to embrace him, but when she does JONES’ gibbering gets louder and his flailing becomes more aggressive, spraying spit and sweat, and she backs off.]

SHAPIRO: Nurses, ladies, can you bring Mr. Jones to the sofa and have him sit? We’ll stand back.

[SHAPIRO, KIRK, and GREENE back up as the NURSES guide the still-gibbering JONES to the sofa and sit next to him. JONES sees danishes and starts shoveling them into his mouth, which seems to calm him. SHAPIRO approaches tentatively.]

SHAPIRO: Alex, I know the trial hasn’t gone as well as we’d like, but we’re sure your lawyers are working on next steps and it’ll all turn out alright. Meantime, I thought I’d talk to you about your show, It might be a good idea for you to take a break, maybe regain your strength, just, you know, relax —

[JONES grabs a coffee cup out of SHAPIRO’s  hand and pours it into his mouth, then throws the cup across the room.]

OK, Alex, glad to see you have an appetite. But listen, Alex, while you’re resting we think it’s important that InfoWars stay on the air to keep your audience engaged and aware —

[JONES grabs a container of non-dairy creamer and, holding it close to his face, roars into it as if it were a microphone. One of the NURSES wrests it from him. JONES assiduously licks his fingers.]

— and so, Alex, we thought just temporarily we’d bring in, just for a few weeks, so you can rest, a guest host who’d –

[JONES springs from the sofa, smashes the coffee table, and swings his fists wildly at everyone around him, who scream. Suddenly TULSI GABBARD, dressed in a Wonder Woman outfit, rushes in, puts JONES in a sleeper hold, and drops him when he faints. GABBARD puts her hands on her hips, poses. KIRK takes pictures with his iPhone. Pause.]

SHAPIRO: You’re hired!

[CURTAIN.]