The Extendibles

The feel-good post-Afghanistan movie of the year!

[EXTERIOR: Desert military facility. Title card: BASE CAMP, SOMEWHERE IN SAUDI ARABIA. CUT TO: Briefing room. THE EXTENDIBLES, a ragtag band of former U.S. Mil mercenaries are slouched around a conference table: TOMMY SAWYER (Sylvester Stallone), HUNK FINN (Bruce Willis), SLICK JONES (Ludacris), COMIC RELIEF (Kevin Hart), SHADY SLIM (Steve Buscemi), CHUNK BEEFHEAD (Vin Diesel), and BREASTS (Michelle Rodriguez). They are being briefed by COLONEL EXPOSITION (Chris Cooper).]

EXPOSITION: Let’s cut to the chase. I don’t like you scumbags and you don’t like me.

HUNK: The feeling is mutual.

SHADY: I just want to kill, in the most perverted way possible.

CHUNK: You make me sick. Not for the killing, for the perversion.

SHADY: Cool, cool. [Chugs visually identifiable Dr. Pepper.]

EXPOSITION: But we have to work together because your country needs you and Erik Prince came up with the money. Don’t even ask.

COMIC RELIEF: [Whispers to BREASTS] Why am I not supposed to ask?

BREASTS: It’s an expression.

COMIC RELIEF: Cool, cool. Hey, baby, what you doin’ after the mission?

EXPOSITION: The sissies who run this country after their alleged victory in the so-called election over our true leader, Donald Trump —

[Each EXTENDIBLE clanks his or her own balls as a form of applause.]

— have betrayed our Afghan friends and abandoned the mission. Your mission is to beat up the Taliban and make Afghanistan a democracy again, and by “democracy” I mean a client state to be sold to oil companies.

COMIC RELIEF: DAY-um, he ain’t playin’!

[EXPOSITION takes off his sunglasses.]

EXPOSITION: What I’m saying, men, is — we’re goin’ back to Kabul and this time we’re gonna do it right!

JONES: [Stands up] Just give us the coordinates.

HUNK [to TOMMY]: Hey, Cap, he stole your line!

TOMMY: ‘Saright, I respect his insolence — ‘specially since the audience knows he’s gonna pay for it with his life.

COMIC RELIEF: DAY-um, that’s some foreshadowing! Only without the shadow! Like, I mean, plain as day!

[CUT TO: TALIBAN AFGHANISTAN HQ – a miserable cave, but with modern furniture, computers, and giant screens like in a James Bond movie. A HOT AMERICAN SOLDIER CHICK (Madelaine Petsch) with her uniform provocatively torn is chained to the wall. She is menaced by new Afghan president BARADAR (Alfred Molina).]

BARADAR: Yes, yes, this is why we took over this miserable country in the first place — for the pussy! Soon you will be my thirty-second wife. We will start with anal!

HOT AMERICAN SOLDIER CHICK: Fuck you, pig!

BARADAR [Gesturing to heaven]: Allah be praised, she has spunk!

[EXPLOSION, scattering many SUPERNUMERARIES, followed by THE EXTENDIBLES riding many SUVs with identifiable brand logos into the cave and beating up the Taliban. Eventually TOMMY corners BARADAR.]

TOMMY: The Taliban is Tali-banned.

[TOMMY aims a bazooka point blank at BARADAR’s head.]

BARADAR: What is it with you people and your stupid catchphrases?

TOMMY: That’s something you’ll never understand about my country and its elected but unacknowledged government.

[TOMMY blows BARADAR’s head off and begins to hammer off  HOT AMERICAN SOLDIER CHICK’s bonds.]

TOMMY: What are you doing after the re-occupation, honey?

HOT AMERICAN SOLDIER CHICK: Fuck you, pig!

TOMMY: That’s okay — we’re used to being unappreciated. Gives us an edge!

[CUT TO: The briefing room from the first scene. THE EXTENDIBLES are seated at the same table in the same way as before, except JONES is gone and an “R.I.P.” floral is set up where he had been sitting, and HOT AMERICAN SOLDIER CHICK is sitting on TOMMY’s lap and wearing a bikini; SHADY masturbates furtively. COLONEL EXPOSITION addresses the group.]

EXPOSITION: Men, you did good. Millions in gold bullion has been deposited in each of your accounts. Now, on to your next mission —

TOMMY: Next mission? Naw, man, we’re all goin’ back off the grid and enjoyin’ the spoils of war!

[He french kisses HOT AMERICAN SOLDIER CHICK and everyone goes “whoo.”]

EXPOSITION: I think you’ll like this one, Tommy –

[EXPOSITION clicks a clicker and a screen in front of the group shows scenes from the January 6th attack on the U.S. Capitol. EXPOSITION takes off his sunglasses.]

What I’m saying, men, is — We’re goin’ back to Washington and this time we’re gonna do it right!

[Cheers, gunfire, swelling music.]