The Frist 100 Days

The GOP House is back, baby!

Roy Edroso Breaks It Down has been made privy to the new Republican House leadership’s legislative and related agenda when they take the majority on Jan. 3:

Biden Investigations. The first of a promised series of House investigations into members of the Biden family will be the House Oversight and Reform Committee’s probe of the President for what prospective Committee Chair Rep. James Comer (R.-KY) calls “the three I’s: Inflation, illegal immigrants, and I can do whatever I want, it’s my committee, yee-haw let’s go Brandon,” Comer told reporters, taking a pull on a jug.

The Committee would also investigate the president’s son Hunter Biden for “being mobbed up with them Chinamen and ‘spicious activities,” Comer said, adding that “we’ll have graphic footage of Hunter Biden sex perversions that’ll make the Clinton impeachment look like Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm. I mean the rough stuff,” he added, elbowing a couple of other Members in the ribs.

Chairman Comer also expressed his intention to investigate the President’s wife and his late son Beau Biden, whom Comer said “wasn’t the angel them Bidens made him out to be, and we intend to show his activities afore his demise put our nation in grave danger. Also, Sleepy Joe’s got a couple of grandchildren and grand-nieces we’re looking at. We talked to some of their classmates and babysitters and let me tell you, there’s enough to keep digging.”

The Anti-Witchcraft Amendment. Though two-thirds of both Houses are required to advance Amendments under Article V, the Leadership nonetheless hopes by bringing this Amendment to “draw a line in the sand,” said Speaker-to-be Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R.-CA). “The Democrat Party likes to talk about how the Electoral College, the Supreme Court, and district apportionment keep the majority from running this country. Well, America is a Republicnotademocracy — the Founders knew not to let the majority run roughshod over the minority, and this Amendment takes steps to keep the female majority of Americans, who election results prove are a Democrat special interest group, from oppressing the male minority.”

By a complicated formula the Amendment would “gender-correct” close U.S. House races based on the outcome of “feats of upper-body strength” by “champions of the respective sexes” who must also shown by inspection to be “representative of the sex of their birth.” (“That means no transy-sexuals,” interjected Rep. Comer from the back of the room.) The Amendment would also ban abortion nationwide, especially in cases of rape and incest.

“Sadly, we know the Democrat Party will not join us in safeguarding the rights of America’s most unjustly-treated — indeed, its only unjustly-treated — minority,” McCarthy added. “But mainly we hope that, by bringing this to the floor, we can show voters what they can expect of us when they grant us real power in 2024.”

House Resolutions. Though in the current balance of power they cannot expect to pass much legislation, many House members intend to advance non-binding “Sense of the House” resolutions in the first days of their majority. Rep. Jim Jordan (R.-OH), for example, will sponsor a bill “apologizing to various current and former members of the House on behalf and lieu of the Liberal Media for its slanderous assertions and mockery.” Among the named apologees in the draft bill are former Rep. Devin Nunes (R.-CA), Rep. Lauren Boebert (R.-CO), and Jordan himself, all of whom upon the bill being voted will receive “a big hand” from their colleagues and a gala dinner at the Old Ebbitt Grill (the latter is not specified in the bill but confirmed by Jordan, who will charge it to his donors).

Also, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R.-GA) promises “a resolution a day” until President Biden is “either impeached or executed,” beginning with a bill calling for April 20th to be declared International Victims of Wokeism and Cancel Culture Day and another granting a “special half-Congressional commendation” to Griff “Gut-Punch” Irgang, a personal trainer Greene met at the most recent CPAC.

Non-legislative activities. With the Leader’s permission Rep. Paul Gosar (R.-AZ) has invited “Veterans of the Spontaneous Demonstration of Affection for President Trump” — more widely known as the attack on the Capitol on January 6, 2021 — to return to the chamber for a second anniversary celebration. “By all means bring your Trump, Gadsden, and Confederate flags," Gosar’s invitation reads. “But don’t break anything — repairs just add to the deficit!” The event will also have a Zoom feed for the veterans who remain in custody.