The Good Samurderer, and Other Bible Stories for Conservatives

Ripped from today's headlines!

Title reference here.

The Good Samurderer

A lawyer said unto Jesus, who is my neighbor? And Jesus answering said: A certain man went up from Delancey Street to Broadway-Lafayette on the F train who was homeless and hungry and half crazed and screaming.

And many housed persons were there and looked on him and did nothing.

But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came to where he was: and when he saw this man, he had compassion on the housed persons who had to listen to him scream, and he went to the homeless man, and strangled him for several minutes until he was dead.

And after brief questioning by the police he was let go, and later returned with a Republican lawyer declaring himself in the right, and all the other Republicans cheered his generous strangulation.

And Jesus said: Which now of these three, thinkest thou, would be called neighbor by white suburbanites who go everywhere in SUVs, and are protected from the sight of homeless people by aggressive policing, and who after a long night of video games or superhero movies dream of killing a Bad Guy themselves, preferably with their bare hands?

And he said: He that strangled the skel will be called neighbor and enter the kingdom of the Great Flyover, and never have to buy his own IPA at any brewpub therein; if thou would serve the Lord your Trump, go and do thou likewise.

Jesus Drives the Librarians Out of the Library

And when Jesus was come into Manatee County, the multitude said, This is Jesus the prophet of Nazareth of Galilee. And Jesus went into the library there, and cast out all them that had Masters of Library Science degrees, and shook the bookcases until all the books fell out and had them taken away with shovels.

And he said unto them, It is written, my library shall be called the house of Republican values; but ye have made it a den of CRT and LGBTQ.

And the Republicans came to the library, many for the first time in their lives, and were given books about how God hates homosexuals and racism does not exist, at least until they ran out because there were not many books left.

And when the books were finished Jesus took the children to Hooters to learn about gender roles and to the house of Florida Surgeon General Joseph Ladapo to learn that not only racism but also viruses and vaccines do not exist, and they were much excited and their parents satisfied that their sons would grow up to be worthy of the name Florida Man.

Jesus Feeds the Multitude, No Matter What the Fake News Says

And Jesus went forth to Des Moines, and saw a great multitude that his advance men had arranged, but the rally was cancelled on account of the weather, and he was moved with compassion toward them.

And his disciples came to him, saying, this is a food desert place, and the time is now past; send the multitude away, that they may go into the villages, and buy themselves victuals and take cover from the storm.

But Jesus said unto them, They need not depart; give ye them to eat.

And they said unto him, We have here but five loaves, and two fishes.

And Jesus commanded the multitude to sit down on the grass, and took the five loaves, and the two fishes, and looking up to heaven, he blessed, and brake, and gave the loaves to his disciples, and the disciples to the multitude.

We have many witnesses who will swear five thousand men ate of the loaves and fishes, and they were filled and followed him. But the socialists and fake news and race hustlers will tell you that this did not happen, because they are jealous that Jesus is able to attract such large crowds when Sleepy Joe Biden has no friends and is senile. They considered not the miracle of the loaves for their hearts were hardened.

And Jesus said, When we are returned to power we will build our Garden of American Heroes statues and it will include us feeding the multitudes so no one can ever again doubt we really did it, and maybe we will put in some rides so it will be more popular than Disney World which is all groomers now. Then shall I have my revenge on mankind!