108 Comments

"Then the people said unto the Lord Jesus Trump, 'Take thou the five loaves and two fishes, and eat of them Thyself with an abundance of ketchup, for we knowest that Thou art the only Being to which we give thus, and besides which Thou whilst stuff Thyself in our presence whether we like it or not, and Thou dost not pay for anything anyway.'"

Expand full comment

The ketchup stains on the wall are the new Shroud of Turin. (Shroud of Tantrum?)

Expand full comment

Eewww that is so Trumpy!

Expand full comment

Just wait til some 3rd world cleaning lady comes along 100 years from now and the stain looks kinda faded and she decides to restore it with curry or sriracha!

Expand full comment

St. Ron declared ketchup to be a vegetable. Sugar, by any other name, is sweet to the palate of a rube.

Expand full comment

"many for the first time in their lives,"

There's a 7 dollar line if I ever heard one!

I laughed- a lot. Thanks!

Expand full comment

I laughed. Yet it's also more than highly likely, so funny/not funny.

Expand full comment

Me too, but in my Conservabible, the parable ends with the library torn down to be replaced by a taxpayer-funded football complex in which only those born with male genitalia may compete. Different translation I guess.

Expand full comment

You must have the King Don version.

Expand full comment

Now I actually want to see the Don King translation too.

Expand full comment

Be careful what you wish for!

Expand full comment

It's mostly emojis and all caps slurs.

Expand full comment

There you go with those trans words again!

Expand full comment

Another banger, Roy. As someone said on Twitter, the more I see of the people who call themselves Christians and patriots, the clearer it becomes they are neither.

Now we have a new denomination of Christianity to inspire Rod Dreher's next conversion. Its centerpiece is the recently discovered Gospel of Unselfaware Resentments and Grievances.

Expand full comment

Grudge-spell

Expand full comment

The songs write themselves.

Expand full comment

Jesus Christ Conservative Super Star

Expand full comment

When you're a Super Star they let you do it.

Expand full comment

The Xians around whom the GOP (and I guess media?) orbit are actually arguably heretics so references to them should be framed properly. And not to lick the third rail, but Xianity started getting traction when Xians started utilizing forced proselytization. Of course, put that way, Republican Xians are the true faith and all the others heretics.

Expand full comment

If you lick the third rail does that mean no one else will? Public service, I calls it!

Expand full comment

Just lick? They also serve who only stand and suck.

Expand full comment

10 years or so ago Somebody put up a pole barn church around the block from me. I have to drive by it in order to get to a main road so I drive by it all the time. A pole barn church is just what it sounds like- some Yahoo gets a Heavenly tap on the shoulder and the Lord whispers in his ear that he wants the Yahoo to build a church to praise God's glory - amen! Yahoo gets a 40x60 pole barn built - cons 40 or 50 Friends, family, coworkers and neighbors to come to church on Sunday.Pass the plate and Behold! Cash money! Tax free cash money!

A miracle, Friends. Praise Jesus! Better than a fruit stand or Amway. If the church is around long enough they build a bigger pole barn and they have convinced enough people to come worship - this is where it gets really good- they get to collect tithes. That's where people pay you 10% of their family income. You get a hundred families making $55,000 a year paying the Lord (you) 10 % , why that's

PRAISE JESUS!!!

Tax free- Hallelujah!

Big Money in Jesus. Big Money.

So the church around the block from me is on their third pole barn. They just put in two acres of parking. I bet there are a thousand people there on a Sunday.

Pole barn churches usually have names like the Third Tabernacle of Jesus Ascension Assembly of God's Righteousness. The one around the block for me is named, simply - The Heritage Church.

Heritage. That's big Down South. There are no crosses or stained glass or any of that other Jesus paraphernalia on the building or the signs. Every Sunday the parking lot fills up with late model Honda and Buick

SUVs, Ram trucks and Chevy Subdivisions . I work a lot on Sundays and when I drive by there all I ever see is a bunch of white people. Getting together Sunday morning to praise their Heritage.

Expand full comment

I imagine their gospel is pretty easy to preach, being only Fourteen Words long.

Expand full comment

Hey, you think it's so easy, see what happens when you give the guy at Armstrong Steel Building Systems all your dimensions in cubits.

Expand full comment

If it wahr gud enuf fer Nowah, it wahr gud enuf fer me

Expand full comment

When you say 'better than Amway' it's time to put your attorney on danger money...

Expand full comment

Forgot to add I LOVE pole barns! Actually had a couple on a property I managed and they were both situated in verdant, almost mystical locations in the mountains...and not an xtian to be seen...

Expand full comment

Heritage not Hate?

Expand full comment

The people that say that never seem to mean it.

Expand full comment

It surely can't be healthy to laugh this hard first thing in the morning.

(Chef's kiss) Perfection!

Expand full comment

When I saw the preview in my inbox, I said to myself, "Gurl, this is gonna hurt." And Roy came down before me and saith, This substack will be sweet in the mouth & bitter in the belly. And I did eat of the substack (forgive me: it was before breakfast & I was starving), and verily, it was sweet in the mouth & bitter in the belly.

So money well-spent I guess.

Expand full comment

Hands off the IPA, son...

Expand full comment

Why can't they stick with the Bud Light Lime like they're 'sposed to?

Expand full comment

did you forget Kid Rock shooting up Bud Light with guns and bullets?

Expand full comment

Oh, sorry, forgot is was now double-plus-ungood, it's hard to keep up with these things.

Expand full comment

|əˈ ɡri:d|

Expand full comment

Yea, verily...

As I was raised Evangelical, the weird distortion of scripture is no surprise: but the Samaritan soldier choke holding a mentally ill man until he shit his pants (a good sign of death, traditionally) is really depraved.

I hope this is one of your freebies...and could be come a series: as the abuse of scripture by the right is vast, and legendary.

Expand full comment

It is!

Expand full comment

And it came to pass that there was enough laughter - bitter, laughing-through-the-tears laughter - for everyone. It's a miracle!

Expand full comment

I see this morning that the Subway Strangler's defense fund is up to $8.5 million and climbing. His lawyers promise to give any leftover money to charity, but I'd be surprised if there is any money left over at all. The finest defense money can buy surely means all the money will go to buying it.

The fact that this asshole is now a hero on the Right is profoundly depressing. In a sane society, he would be vilified.

Expand full comment

I am inspired now to start a GoFundMe whose goal is to buy housing, medical, and mental health services for the homeless so that another similar, tragic death never happens again. Think it'll reach $8.5 million by this time next week?

Expand full comment

You'll be arrested.

Expand full comment

Re Team Penny giving leftovers to charity, see the piece I linked to.

OTOH, they'll have to raise way into the seven figures because I'm sure his attorneys will do their best to bill however much they raise.

Of course, if Penny doesn't somehow dispose of it all, it'll be for Neely's family to get when they sue the killer.

Expand full comment

Sadly, I am reminded of Jarndyce v Jarndyce.

Expand full comment

That's why the lawyers need to charge as much as they can.

Expand full comment

Let the bill fit at least the amount of money the client has.

Expand full comment

They didn't tell anyone that the "charity" was the National Police Association.

Expand full comment

More likely to be some white supremacist org, excuse me, I mean *overtly* white supremacist org.

Expand full comment

This is where I need to grab a hold of my brain and stop it from running ahead, because right now I'm imagining this guy, acquitted and on a national tour with Kyle Rittenhouse. And there's more than enough awful things happening in the here-and-now that I really don't need to be time-traveling into the future to find more.

Expand full comment

Goddammit, now my brain is reminding me there may soon be a Congressional seat opening up in Long Island.

Expand full comment

“In a sane society”

[1950s farmer voice] “Well there’s your problem, Earl!”

Expand full comment

(May be a duplicate comment; Substack is being funky and/or I'm just a dotard):

My breath is taken by this.

Apropos the first teaching: Both Neely's family and Penny are running GoFundMe's. Penny's out-raising Neely's family ~10 to one.

Meanwhile, this: nytimes.com/interactive/2023/05/14/us/p… because of course.

Related: nytimes.com/2023/05/14/business/economy…

Meanwhile, the Times is also running a humor piece: nytimes.com/2023/05/14/nyregion/eric-ad… (No comment; the bullshit is much too obvious.)

But enough of that. Might I suggest that Roy assemble of a book of his humor pieces and set it up as one of them new-fangled print to order things on the Amazon? Just saying...

Expand full comment

This surprises me not even a little bit. Periodic reminder that it has only been within the last three years of this country's history that lynching was considered a Federal crime.

This is reminiscent of the days when postcards of lynchings were sold as souvenirs; if not actual body parts publicly exhibited (cf. Sam Hose's knuckles: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lynching_of_Sam_Hose#Lynching)

Expand full comment

FYI, your Times links are truncated and don't work.

Expand full comment

Will fix if/when I can. Substack did the truncating.

Expand full comment

Actually, I was kinda glad when the links came up "Times Page Not Found". Think you can replicate that again?

Expand full comment

I got the paywall, which is almost as good.

It's like one of those civilization intelligence tests aliens impose in SF stories. I stopped at the paywall, so humanity is safe.

Expand full comment

Actually, not much more is needed than the headlines and graphics.

Expand full comment

And it came to pass that Jesus went to a gathering of five thousand people, and they became of exceeding hunger.

So Jesus ascended a high rock which elevated him above all the five thousand assembled, and behold, he spake unto them and said:

"Woe unto you, lazy Democratic rabble; thou must needs beat thy crutches into fishing rods and thy earrings into hooks; then walk thee to the shore of Galilee and catch thy own fishes, beotches."

Then Jesus fried up five fishes, warmed two loaves of bread, and ate in front of all five thousand of them. Those losers.

/sarcasm

Expand full comment

Again, my Conservabible presents just slightly differently. Jesus prepares five fishes and two loaves and eats them in front of five thousands losers whilst surrounded by red velvet ropes and a security staff. Potatoes, potah-toes.

Expand full comment

Others would have the loaves and fishes Big Macs and McNuggets. I say let's not squabble over doctrine and focus on worshipping our Betters.

Expand full comment

All ya gotta say is "Lo" and you Lo-st me...

Expand full comment

Years ago, there was a religious-y show for kids called "Marshall Efron's Illustrated, Simplified, and Painless Sunday School" which retold Bible stories (HERSY! 😱) with humor and silliness and god I loved it. Maybe if more kids had seen it, people now would be less stick-up-the-ass about religion.

ANYWAY, one of the stories was Jesus in the desert, and when Satan shows up to tempt him with food, it's with McDonald's. See what I mean?

Expand full comment

My brother did schtick with his Methodist sunday school as "Bible Story Man," complete with costume* and sneakers with flashing lights. The kids loved it.

*He wanted the costume to have a capital BS on the chest, but had to settle for just the B.

Expand full comment

I heard it different, that it was no loaves and five Filet O' Fishes, even though we clearly told the Box three Quarter Pounders and two Filet O' Fishes, because they always fuck you in the drive-thru.

Expand full comment

"AND A *LARGE* *ORANGE* *DRINK*!!"

Expand full comment

**crackle**buzz**smrksp***zzz***hiss***pay at the window

Expand full comment

(OT, but malfunctioning systems like this are why we call Church's Chicken "Drive-through-to-the-window" in this household.)

Expand full comment

This is the kind of doctrinaire hair-splitting that tears a faith community apart. Can we at least agree with this verse? "Verily, they will fuck you at the drive-thru." Book of Joe (Rogan)

Expand full comment

Well, JEEZ! Did any of those mooching losers have money? NO! What did they think would happen when they showed up and went "waah waah we're hungry, waaah, feed us!" like they were PEOPLE or something? If we gave out food for free, nobody'd WORK!

(And then the palace guard showed up and beat the shiftless socialist mob and threw their possessions in the river, and the LORD looked on and saw it was good)

Expand full comment

If we gave out work for free, nobody'd EAT!

Expand full comment

For the Samaritan was a Marine, the holiest of holies, and would henceforth be calléd "Marine" whenever his self be mentioned forever and ever. For as it written, if a homeless man hath once been a Marine it shall remain forever unknown, as will all else about him but his deserving of strangulation.

Expand full comment

Amen.

Expand full comment

Hearted for the 2-syllable "called".

Expand full comment

Thanks for pointing that out, I missed it the first time!

Expand full comment

And the murderer shall be freed, if he's OK with crying on the witness stand.

Expand full comment

where to begin?

Expand full comment

void

Alt. start: Null. It's a 4-letter void.

Expand full comment

Republican Beatitudes, A Reading from the Gospel of Luke:

3“Happy are those who know they are spiritually superior;

the Kingdom of heaven belongs to them!

4Happy are those who mourn the good ol’ days when men were men and women were women;

God will comfort them!

5Happy are those who are armed;

they will receive what God has promised!

6Happy are those whose greatest desire is to pwn the libs;

God will satisfy them with sick memes!

7Happy are those who are fearful of others;

God will be a good excuse for them to be nasty!

8Happy are the enraged in heart;

they will see God!

9Happy are those who run over or shoot protesters;

God will call them his children!

10Happy are those who have persecution complex because they are bigots;

the Kingdom of heaven belongs to them!

11“Happy are you when you insult and persecute your liberal neighbors and tell all kinds of evil lies against them because you are my followers. 12Be happy and glad, for a great reward is kept for you in heaven. This is how the false prophets who lived before you behaved.

Expand full comment

Happy art thou who force others to keep their child's gender intact, for GOD abhors rainbows and Bud Light.

Expand full comment

Great stuff! Reminiscent of good old Republican Jesus.

Expand full comment

The title piece is reminiscent of "Not the Bible"'s hack on the same story, in which the Samaritan is a policeman who doesn' t help the victim but does make sure that the [Samaritan] robbers die real slow. ('Moral: Samaritans are harder on their own.')

My only criticism: Jesus doesn't drive the Groomers out of the library with an AR-15, the White Man's Assegai.

Expand full comment

“Let the one whom has no AR-15 liquidate his retirement savings and buy a coupla dozen, don't forget the high-capacity magazines or the laser sniper scope either.”

Expand full comment

'For I tell you, I bring not a sword but an ultra-mega-sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a person's enemies will be those of his own household, so heʼd better man-up, gun-up, and armor-up to be ready for them. '

Expand full comment

Stand back and stand by, saith the Lord.

Expand full comment

For it shall be wild.

Expand full comment

Let my people thru the (metal detector) gate!

Expand full comment

For it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a Trump supporter to pass through a magnetometer without setting it off like a fucking Christmas light display.

Expand full comment

I do believe I have told the story about my brother-in-law who bitched and pissed at a recent cookout about Sleepy Joe's gas prices and how nobody could drive anywhere anymore, and then proceeded to show off his ULTRA KEWL custom made high power silenced rifle with, of course, a laser scope.

Expand full comment

I'm OK with your heavily armed brother-in-law not traveling much.

Expand full comment

With the laser scope he doesn't have to go that far in the first place.

Expand full comment

Love this one. Funny/not funny.

Expand full comment