"Then the people said unto the Lord Jesus Trump, 'Take thou the five loaves and two fishes, and eat of them Thyself with an abundance of ketchup, for we knowest that Thou art the only Being to which we give thus, and besides which Thou whilst stuff Thyself in our presence whether we like it or not, and Thou dost not pay for anything anyway.'"
Another banger, Roy. As someone said on Twitter, the more I see of the people who call themselves Christians and patriots, the clearer it becomes they are neither.
Now we have a new denomination of Christianity to inspire Rod Dreher's next conversion. Its centerpiece is the recently discovered Gospel of Unselfaware Resentments and Grievances.
When I saw the preview in my inbox, I said to myself, "Gurl, this is gonna hurt." And Roy came down before me and saith, This substack will be sweet in the mouth & bitter in the belly. And I did eat of the substack (forgive me: it was before breakfast & I was starving), and verily, it was sweet in the mouth & bitter in the belly.
As I was raised Evangelical, the weird distortion of scripture is no surprise: but the Samaritan soldier choke holding a mentally ill man until he shit his pants (a good sign of death, traditionally) is really depraved.
I hope this is one of your freebies...and could be come a series: as the abuse of scripture by the right is vast, and legendary.
I see this morning that the Subway Strangler's defense fund is up to $8.5 million and climbing. His lawyers promise to give any leftover money to charity, but I'd be surprised if there is any money left over at all. The finest defense money can buy surely means all the money will go to buying it.
The fact that this asshole is now a hero on the Right is profoundly depressing. In a sane society, he would be vilified.
But enough of that. Might I suggest that Roy assemble of a book of his humor pieces and set it up as one of them new-fangled print to order things on the Amazon? Just saying...
And it came to pass that Jesus went to a gathering of five thousand people, and they became of exceeding hunger.
So Jesus ascended a high rock which elevated him above all the five thousand assembled, and behold, he spake unto them and said:
"Woe unto you, lazy Democratic rabble; thou must needs beat thy crutches into fishing rods and thy earrings into hooks; then walk thee to the shore of Galilee and catch thy own fishes, beotches."
Then Jesus fried up five fishes, warmed two loaves of bread, and ate in front of all five thousand of them. Those losers.
For the Samaritan was a Marine, the holiest of holies, and would henceforth be calléd "Marine" whenever his self be mentioned forever and ever. For as it written, if a homeless man hath once been a Marine it shall remain forever unknown, as will all else about him but his deserving of strangulation.
Republican Beatitudes, A Reading from the Gospel of Luke:
3“Happy are those who know they are spiritually superior;
the Kingdom of heaven belongs to them!
4Happy are those who mourn the good ol’ days when men were men and women were women;
God will comfort them!
5Happy are those who are armed;
they will receive what God has promised!
6Happy are those whose greatest desire is to pwn the libs;
God will satisfy them with sick memes!
7Happy are those who are fearful of others;
God will be a good excuse for them to be nasty!
8Happy are the enraged in heart;
they will see God!
9Happy are those who run over or shoot protesters;
God will call them his children!
10Happy are those who have persecution complex because they are bigots;
the Kingdom of heaven belongs to them!
11“Happy are you when you insult and persecute your liberal neighbors and tell all kinds of evil lies against them because you are my followers. 12Be happy and glad, for a great reward is kept for you in heaven. This is how the false prophets who lived before you behaved.
May 15, 2023·edited May 15, 2023Liked by Roy Edroso
The title piece is reminiscent of "Not the Bible"'s hack on the same story, in which the Samaritan is a policeman who doesn' t help the victim but does make sure that the [Samaritan] robbers die real slow. ('Moral: Samaritans are harder on their own.')
My only criticism: Jesus doesn't drive the Groomers out of the library with an AR-15, the White Man's Assegai.
"Then the people said unto the Lord Jesus Trump, 'Take thou the five loaves and two fishes, and eat of them Thyself with an abundance of ketchup, for we knowest that Thou art the only Being to which we give thus, and besides which Thou whilst stuff Thyself in our presence whether we like it or not, and Thou dost not pay for anything anyway.'"
"many for the first time in their lives,"
There's a 7 dollar line if I ever heard one!
I laughed- a lot. Thanks!
Another banger, Roy. As someone said on Twitter, the more I see of the people who call themselves Christians and patriots, the clearer it becomes they are neither.
Now we have a new denomination of Christianity to inspire Rod Dreher's next conversion. Its centerpiece is the recently discovered Gospel of Unselfaware Resentments and Grievances.
It surely can't be healthy to laugh this hard first thing in the morning.
(Chef's kiss) Perfection!
When I saw the preview in my inbox, I said to myself, "Gurl, this is gonna hurt." And Roy came down before me and saith, This substack will be sweet in the mouth & bitter in the belly. And I did eat of the substack (forgive me: it was before breakfast & I was starving), and verily, it was sweet in the mouth & bitter in the belly.
So money well-spent I guess.
Hands off the IPA, son...
Yea, verily...
As I was raised Evangelical, the weird distortion of scripture is no surprise: but the Samaritan soldier choke holding a mentally ill man until he shit his pants (a good sign of death, traditionally) is really depraved.
I hope this is one of your freebies...and could be come a series: as the abuse of scripture by the right is vast, and legendary.
I see this morning that the Subway Strangler's defense fund is up to $8.5 million and climbing. His lawyers promise to give any leftover money to charity, but I'd be surprised if there is any money left over at all. The finest defense money can buy surely means all the money will go to buying it.
The fact that this asshole is now a hero on the Right is profoundly depressing. In a sane society, he would be vilified.
(May be a duplicate comment; Substack is being funky and/or I'm just a dotard):
My breath is taken by this.
Apropos the first teaching: Both Neely's family and Penny are running GoFundMe's. Penny's out-raising Neely's family ~10 to one.
Meanwhile, this: nytimes.com/interactive/2023/05/14/us/p… because of course.
Related: nytimes.com/2023/05/14/business/economy…
Meanwhile, the Times is also running a humor piece: nytimes.com/2023/05/14/nyregion/eric-ad… (No comment; the bullshit is much too obvious.)
But enough of that. Might I suggest that Roy assemble of a book of his humor pieces and set it up as one of them new-fangled print to order things on the Amazon? Just saying...
And it came to pass that Jesus went to a gathering of five thousand people, and they became of exceeding hunger.
So Jesus ascended a high rock which elevated him above all the five thousand assembled, and behold, he spake unto them and said:
"Woe unto you, lazy Democratic rabble; thou must needs beat thy crutches into fishing rods and thy earrings into hooks; then walk thee to the shore of Galilee and catch thy own fishes, beotches."
Then Jesus fried up five fishes, warmed two loaves of bread, and ate in front of all five thousand of them. Those losers.
/sarcasm
For the Samaritan was a Marine, the holiest of holies, and would henceforth be calléd "Marine" whenever his self be mentioned forever and ever. For as it written, if a homeless man hath once been a Marine it shall remain forever unknown, as will all else about him but his deserving of strangulation.
where to begin?
Republican Beatitudes, A Reading from the Gospel of Luke:
3“Happy are those who know they are spiritually superior;
the Kingdom of heaven belongs to them!
4Happy are those who mourn the good ol’ days when men were men and women were women;
God will comfort them!
5Happy are those who are armed;
they will receive what God has promised!
6Happy are those whose greatest desire is to pwn the libs;
God will satisfy them with sick memes!
7Happy are those who are fearful of others;
God will be a good excuse for them to be nasty!
8Happy are the enraged in heart;
they will see God!
9Happy are those who run over or shoot protesters;
God will call them his children!
10Happy are those who have persecution complex because they are bigots;
the Kingdom of heaven belongs to them!
11“Happy are you when you insult and persecute your liberal neighbors and tell all kinds of evil lies against them because you are my followers. 12Be happy and glad, for a great reward is kept for you in heaven. This is how the false prophets who lived before you behaved.
Great stuff! Reminiscent of good old Republican Jesus.
The title piece is reminiscent of "Not the Bible"'s hack on the same story, in which the Samaritan is a policeman who doesn' t help the victim but does make sure that the [Samaritan] robbers die real slow. ('Moral: Samaritans are harder on their own.')
My only criticism: Jesus doesn't drive the Groomers out of the library with an AR-15, the White Man's Assegai.
Love this one. Funny/not funny.