The great man addresses the issue of the day

Like bleach for COVID, a bold solution

[TRUMP, dressed as often now in his Jackie Gleason in Miami Beach suit, takes the stage at the NRA Convention in Houston to great applause.]

TRUMP: Hey, how ya doin’ folks, good to see ya. Listen I wanna thank you all for coming — I know some people, big politicians, Don McLennon, they didn’t wanna come because of all the Democrats politicizing, made them scared, and what a shame, isn’t it? Makes you sick.

They say we don’t care about these kids, can you believe it, what a sick disgusting thing to say. Here’s how much we care, I’m gonna read the names — I never do this, by the way, at Mar-a-Lago, they want me to go to a wedding reception and read names, I don’t do it even if they pay extra.

[TRUMP pulls out an index card.]

But I’m gonna read the names of these poor innocent little kids, Spanish most of them, all of them legal, too, they tell me, and each one you’re gonna hear a bell, that means they’re in heaven, not like the shooter who’s sick and burning in hell. That’s how much I care.

OK, Benny: [Squints] “Makenna Lee Elrod.” [Bell] A little less loud, Benny. “Layla Salazar.” [Bell] “Maranda Mathis.” [Bell] I’m gonna mess this up: “Nevaeh Bravo.” [Bell] “Jose Manuel Flores Jr.” [Bell] “Xavier Lopez.” [Bell] Boy, there’s a lot of them. Wow.

[TRUMP puts the index card in his pocket.]

OK, I think we get the idea. Hundreds of dead, and you got the Democrats like Sleepy Joe Biden who stole the election, saying it’s people like you who are to blame, so sick, so disgusting. If anything it’s the Democrats, because let me tell you, they never have these mass shootings in their own Democrat schools. You ever notice that? The worst criminal cities these Democrats run, just hellholes of crime like the Central Park Five, but the kids are safe. How weird is that?

But you know why? Because they have a cop in every classroom. It’s true. I remember this from when I was Mayor. And every hallway they have like a nest and a, like a army guy with a machine gun, so nobody tries anything. Also if someone brings in a gun, they have dogs that can smell it, and the dogs jump on whoever has the gun and ay yi yi, it’s not pretty, folks.

The Democrats won’t tell you any of this because they want your kids to get killed instead of theirs. It’s like all those fancy things you see when you go to New York on vacation — you wonder, how can they have these wonderful attractions, how can they afford it, because they’re all on welfare, right, but it’s like a trick they pull — they keep it a secret from you because they don’t want you to have as good as they have, which I think is just disgusting.

So here’s what we gotta do, we gotta take the money from the blue states and give it to our schools, the schools in places where decent people live, where people like you live. But we don’t spend it on books and all that crap where they teach you CRT. We use it to make our schools even harder than the Democrat schools, like good guys with guns everywhere and every kid gets frisked before every class, and if a kid so much as pulls a gun in the school, even just a little tiny bit out of his pocket, the cops can just blow them away —

[TRUMP pantomimes shooting.]

— Boom bing bang bong, just like that.  

But listen, that’s if they pull a gun in the school. Anywhere else, I got no problem with it, because I’m a firm believer in the Second Amendment.

[Thunderous applause.]

You like that, hey? OK, Benny, hit the music!

[The Rolling Stones’ “Midnight Rambler” plays and TRUMP does his weird little dance. FADE TO BLACK.]