The killer elite

Bolt Upright and Received Opinion on the MPLS murder: Opinions vary!

BOLT UPRIGHT: Good evening, I’m Bolt Upright and this is Received Opinion!

[Sound of piano strings and soundboard going through a woodchipper, but syncopated. On the screen behind UPRIGHT is a limited-action cartoon of a snowy landscape with ICE agents lined up as at a firing range and shooting at passers-by in winter clothing. Caption: ICE COLD FRONT IN MPLS!]

UPRIGHT: After an incident that was either the murder of Renee Good by an ICE officer or a quote-unquote fuckin’ bitch getting what was coming to her, depending on whether you’re a liberal or a conservative, the masked gunmen of federal law enforcement seem to have something to prove in Minneapolis and have escalated their some-would-say brutality — we have footage pouring in like this:

[Video of a nicely-dressed 30ish white woman on a street corner saying “you guys are ridiculous” to a masked ICE agent, who then blasts her with his automatic weapon, then screams “yeah, I fuckin’ killed you because you sassed me, you fuckin’ lesbo bitch! MAGA!” and, as she bleeds out, urinates on her.]

Like the Renee Good shooting, this latest incident has touched off a fierce debate. Since we can imagine what normal people think about the footage we’ve just seen, fairness obliges us to hear a contrary opinion from a Trump administration official so we have with us Trump Border Czar Tom Homan.

[UPRIGHT has strolled to the small interview desk where HOMAN is seated.]

Mr. Homan, I guess we might as well get your take on what the video shows.

HOMAN: Bolt, regrettably this individual who we have learned indoctrinates children against our way of life —

UPRIGHT: You mean she was a primary school teacher.

HOMAN: Well, I don’t know what they’re calling it in —

UPRIGHT: Also you should use the past tense as the young woman was very obviously killed by your agent.

HOMAN: Well, “killed” is a relative term, Bolt.

UPRIGHT: It appears, both from his actions and from his short Neil Le Bute monologue afterward, that your agent strafed this woman with machine gun fire merely for mildly insulting him.

HOMAN: Bolt, you don’t know how hard it is for our people out there. They’re constantly assaulted and, and assaulted by these pro-immigrant activists, this agent in particular had just come off a traumatic attack —

UPRIGHT: You mean five years ago he jumped a Mexican and got thrown into a pile of dirty tablecloths and then took twelve months of paid medical leave.

HOMAN: [Indignant] Now look, I’ve had just about enough of this media smear campaign. Assaults on our officers are up five thousand percent.

UPRIGHT: Are you sure it isn’t ten thousand percent?

HOMAN: Excuse me, that’s right, ten thousand percent.

UPRIGHT: Is this in the past month, week, or twenty-four hours?

HOMAN: I, I don’t know. Whichever is worse. And let me tell you something, Mr. Bolt Upright, if anti-law-officer thugs like this lady here keep saying indecent and irresponsible things, it’s gonna infuriate people more which means there’s gonna be more incidents like this.

UPRIGHT: So that’s a threat, right?

HOMAN: What are you talking about, a threat! We don’t make threats! Goddamnit, Jake Tapper never talked to me this way.

UPRIGHT: You know, I’ve always wanted to ask, how do you make your voice do that?

HOMAN: Do what?

UPRIGHT: Sound like a cheap hood in a Forties B-movie. [Imitating him] I’m gunna rub ya out, see! Stop infuriatin’ me an’ my boys or I’m gunna rub ya out!

HOMAN: [Standing up] Alright, that’s it, I don’t stand to be insulted.

UPRIGHT: [Still imitating him] I don’t stand to be insulted, see! I’m gunna rrrub ya out!

[HOMAN leaves.]

UPRIGHT: [Normal voice, to the audience, quietly] Wait’ll he finds out we’ve replaced his coffee with Folger’s Crystal. [Chuckles] There’s something so freeing about this, not having to take these people seriously. I like it! I’m surprised they still come on the show. [Looking off-screen] Larry, why is that?

OFF-SCREEN VOICE: Force of habit, I guess.

UPRIGHT: I guess.

OFF-SCREEN VOICE: They book the time. They think David Ellison bought everybody.

UPRIGHT: That dairy queen’s in for a shock too, but listen, we’re burning airtime, let’s drop by the Decision Desk.

[Banshee wails over percussion like collapsing warehouse shelves as UPRIGHT crosses to the Decision Desk, where await PEONI DOYENNE, wearing a blue floral Zimmermann Rebellion long-sleeve beaded linen and silk midi dress, a laurel green and blue embroidered Pashmina stole, and ivory Gucci pumps with horsebit; and CHAFE DRAMATURGY, in a blue marl Paul Smith overdyed stretch wool suit, a blue t-shirt, and red Keds.]

UPRIGHT: You all look very nice today. Chafe, how old are you? You must be in your late 40s, close to 50. Why do you dress like that?

DRAMATURGY: [Sheepishly] My stylist says I can pull it off.

UPRIGHT: Yeah?

DRAMATURGY: [Looking around, uncertainly] Yeah, I’m, I’ve always been skinny and it, I look youthful. I take care of my skin —

UPRIGHT: You ever think that’s why you’ve never had a lasting relationship? I mean, if it were cocaine —

DOYENNE: Oh, Bolt, you’re such a bully! Leave him alone.

UPRIGHT: Peoni! Let’s dance!

[He makes to take her in his arms and they laugh. DRAMATURGY looks nervous.]

DRAMATURGY: You guys, you, do you, listen — is — is something weird about today?

DOYENNE: I do feel just a teensy bit high.

UPRIGHT: CIA. They’re still around, you know and they, classic, the drugs. Never stopped. Tried to do Castro’s beard. Which, hey, look. Cuba’s next.

DOYENNE: Do you think we’ve been drugged, Bolt?

UPRIGHT: Wouldn’t be surprised. Let’s keep going, though. Come on, Chafe, come on and tell me why it’s great they’re killing and terrorizing these people. People in Minnesota.

[UPRIGHT cups his hands around his mouth and makes a noise like an arctic wind. Pause.]

DRAMATURGY: [Shaking his head] No. No. I — I’m sorry, I went over all the — you know, not picking a side, like, David Brooks —

UPRIGHT: [Leeeroy Jenkins] David Brooks!

DOYENNE: [Giggling, similarly; she and UPRIGHT are holding hands] David Brooks!

DRAMATURGY: But — some things, you just, they’re just wrong. This is wrong. Shooting— killing that woman, in cold blood, and all just because she — just because she made him mad —

[DRAMATURGY is weeping. DOYENNE makes a sympathetic moue; UPRIGHT has his face in her hair. Suddenly HOMAN rushes in with two ICE agents pointing guns.]

HOMAN: Make fun of me, will ya! I’m gunna rub ya out!

UPRIGHT: HI-YA!

[As DOYENNE and DRAMATURGY cower, UPRIGHT rushes HOMAN and the agents with kung-fu moves; the agents fire, but to no apparent effect. UPRIGHT karate-chops HOMAN and he deflates suddenly, like a parade balloon; UPRIGHT goes after the gunmen and they wince and fall back, still firing; soon they are on either side of UPRIGHT, who does an ice dancer’s camel spin on them, revving faster and faster, his outstretched leg chipping away parts of their bodies like wood from a lathe. Laughter, heavy breathing loud on the soundtrack — then, suddenly: just static and snow.]