The Last Meeting of the Council to Reopen America

Unfinished business

[A meeting in the White House Cabinet Room of the White House Council to Reopen America — last seen here, or anywhere, shortly after its announcement in April. Presidential daughter IVANKA TRUMP, Presidential son-in-law JARED KUSHNER, U.S. Trade Representative ROBERT LIGHTHIZER, Director of the United States National Economic Council LARRY KUDLOW, Secretary of Commerce WILBUR ROSS, Secretary of Housing and Urban Development BEN CARSON, and Secretary of the Treasury STEVE MNUCHIN are seated around a conference table with snacks and beverages; White House Chief of Staff MARK MEADOWS stands by the door, occasionally peeping out of it as if looking for someone. Everyone is masked except ROSS and CARSON.]

ROSS: Mark, I have to go.

MEADOWS: I know, Wilbur. Like I said, he’ll be here in any moment. This is a busy time for the President, running to rallies and — running to other rallies.

ROSS: Look here, Sonny, you get to be my age and you wait to pee, it can be very embarrassing, if you know what I mean.

[LIGHTHIZER and KUDLOW, who were seated on either side of ROSS, get up and move.]

No, no, no, I am in complete control of my —

[ROSS suddenly stops, looks at IVANKA across the table as if noticing her for the first time, smiles.]

Oh, well, what a nice looking young lady! Hello, my dear, I didn’t get your name.

IVANKA: [Blandly] I’m Ivanka Trump.

KUSHNER: She’s the president's daughter.

ROSS: The president’s daughter, oh my!

KUSHNER: Also married to me, so, hands off, Wilbur.

IVANKA: Ewww.

ROSS: [Ignoring KUSHNER] Why, you’re much too young and pretty to be his daughter, you must be his grand-daughter. Do you like candy, young lady?

LIGHTHIZER: I move we adjourn.

MEADOWS: The President —

LIGHTHIZER: The President doesn't come to meetings anymore. [Looks around] Well, am I wrong? He doesn’t go to the COVID Task Force meetings. Has anyone here had a meeting with the President since the Convention?

[Silence. IVANKA takes out her phone and starts playing with it. LIGHTHIZER turns to ROSS, who is still smiling at IVANKA.]

Wilbur?

ROSS: Did you know this young lady is the president’s niece? I bet she’d like some candy.

[ROSS fumbles under the table.]

I wanted to give her some, I thought I had some candy in my pocket but I must have eaten it all.

LIGHTHIZER: [To CARSON] How about you, Ben? Hold on, since when are you on this thing?

CARSON: [Munching on cake] Oh, I’m not. I just smelled coffee and came in and sat down. Don’t mind me. But if you want my opinion this is all nonsense. You just have to go out there and take your lumps.

KUSHNER: You mean the virus? Your lumps?

CARSON: Listen, everyone has to die sometime. What is that, cheese Danish? Can someone pass that to me? [Someone does] I always loved cheese Danish.

LIGHTHIZER: [Standing up] Okay, well, guess that’s our recommendation, so meeting adjourned I guess.

ROSS: About time! Would Miss Trump like to walk me to the bathroom?

KUDLOW: Wilbur, cut it out!

ROSS: Why, how do you think I met Betsy? It was some kind of bankruptcy conference —

MEADOWS: [Stage whisper] He’s coming! He’s coming!

[TRUMP comes in wearing the same white robe with gold trim we’ve been seeing for days here. Under the robe he wears a white t-shirt. He is unnaturally pale and has what looks like dabs of cold cream under his eyes, which are barely in focus. Naturally he is unmasked. Everyone stands. TRUMP wordlessly takes a seat at the head of the table. Everyone sits. ]

TRUMP: [Voice weak and raspy] Okay, whattaya got.

MEADOWS: Good day, sir, if you remember —

LIGHTHIZER: [Cutting him off] We don’t have anything, Mr. President. There was no agenda for this meeting. You told us to come, so we came.

TRUMP: Huh. In that case, lemme tell you what we’re doing with this virus thing. [To IVANKA] How ya doing, sweetheart?

IVANKA: [Brightly] I’m great, Daddy, how are you!

TRUMP: That’s what I like to hear. Sweetie, I’ll go over this with you later, you mind going over to State, Mike has some notes for us.

IVANKA: Okay, Daddy.

[She gets up and leaves. ROSS emits a sigh, tilts his head back and closes his eyes.]

TRUMP: Attagirl. [To the others] So lemme tell you what we’re doing with this virus thing.

[Makes zeroes with his fingers.]

Nothing. Everybody just does like they usually do and forget this virus thing. Like, Bob, when you negotiate, you just go in and start negotiating. no special treatment. Ben, when you — when you do — you run the slums, right, the projects, I don’t know what they call them now. Good to see you, by the way.

CARSON: Good to see you, too, sir. You know they tried to get us to do something with the heating and cooling vents for COVID, it would have cost just lots and lots of money, but we said no, because it’s just silly, I mean, these people don’t even pay rent.

TRUMP: Ben knows, Ben knows. Larry, you still on the coke?

KUDLOW: Mr. President, I know I have been a great disappointment to all of you who showed such faith in me —

TRUMP: Not looking for your life story, Larry, just looking for a bump.

[Pause.]

KUDLOW: Why, by all means, Mr. President.

[He starts to get up.]

TRUMP: Just shove it over. I don’t need a song and dance.

[KUDLOW takes a vial full of powder out of his pocket and passes it as decorously as he can to TRUMP, who has pulled a small mirror, razor blade, and straw from his robe.]

I got a show in five, six hours. Lot of guys, they’d say, now you take a nap, maybe drink a lot of water.

[He dumps and starts chopping the coke.]

But you know Elvis, when he wanted something, he got it, and if he started coming down, he just got himself back up. Died young, but that was genes. His people were trash. Practically colored.

[TRUMP hoovers up some lines, wipes his nose.]

CARSON: [with a sweet smile] Ha ha, that’s just a joke.

TRUMP: If I wanna get up, I get up, and if I gotta get up again, I get up again, I just do it. They got stuff for me like you wouldn’t believe, this, well, I guess you know. I mean everybody knows. Everybody that matters, right, the wise guys. So let’s not play games, alright? Steve, we’re not hearing from you. C’mon Steve, you’re the money man, what have you got to contribute?

MNUCHIN: [Looking stricken] What do you mean, sir?

TRUMP: Look, we’re gonna win, no question, so there aren’t gonna be any, any questions. We got a budget here and there’s a lot going on so no one is gonna miss ten, maybe 20 million — maybe more, who knows I mean, once I get my seven million, the rest we pass around. Did I say seven million, I meant ten, but that’s up to Steve how much the rest of you get, sky’s the limit. Hey-o!

[TRUMP grabs the vial and shakes out more coke.]

Larry, this is pretty good shit. Not like what I get but, you know, it does the trick, wakes me up, I feel like I could do the show right now.

[Chops the coke.]

You wanna hear my new bit? Anyone?

CARSON: I love when you tell stories.

TRUMP: It’s all about how Sleepy Joe has sex with little kids. I don’t say he does, but the people get the idea.

[LIGHTHIZER stands up.]

LIGHTHIZER: Sir! [Pause] I have to go to the bathroom.

TRUMP: [Shrugs] Free country.

[LIGHTHIZER leaves. ROSS stirs.]

ROSS: Bathroom? We can go to the bathroom?

[ROSS manages to stand and waddles toward the door; then become agitated.]

Oh! Oh, oh, my Lord!

[ROSS turns toward the table; his pants are down, his penis is exposed and it expels urine onto the table. The others, except TRUMP, yell and leap away from the table; ROSS totters backwards and falls to the floor.]

TRUMP: Bet the maids won’t be taking this spread home to their kids. Hasta la vista.

[TRUMP gets up and walks out. BLACKOUT.]