The man of the hour

A new Republican hero

[Fox News, 6 a.m. FLOYD RAY ROSEBERRY, wearing a nice blue suit that’s a little big for him with safety pins visibly cinching the collar to fit, sits next to STEVE DOOCY and AINSLEY EARHARDT on the set of Fox & Friends.]

STEVE DOOCY: Welcome everybody to Fox & Friends and what a special morning it is as we bring you the man of the hour, Floyd Roy Roseberry! You saw him yesterday making his case for limited government and the removal of Sleepy Joe Biden for his criminal withdrawal from Afghanistan, and here he is, chatting up our Ainsley, it looks like. Hello? Floyd? Ha ha, Floyd, we’re on.

ROSEBERRY: Oh hey. [Waves to camera]

DOOCY: Floyd, a lot of people are probably wondering how the heck you got out of jail to be on our show.

ROSEBERRY: Ah gawt me one o’ them fancy Jew lawrs an’ he sprung me. Ah cain’t tell ya who paid fo’ ‘im but I tell yew hwut, y’all prolly seen him at yo’ boad meetin’s an yo’ Chrissmiss pa’ty, an’ his name on yo’ checks —  

DOOCY: Now Floyd, I’m sure everyone out there agrees Joe Biden is a traitor, that Nancy Pelosi is a traitor and that we have to stop illegal immigration —

ROSEBERRY: Jus’ th’ sand niggers. The hwaht ones is OK.

DOOCY: But a lot of people were a little turned off by that bomb threat. What would you like to say to America about that?

ROSEBERRY: Unner the Sekkin Amen’ment ah gawt the raht ta keep fahr-arms, and hwut’s a bomb ‘ceptin a fahr-arm withaht a bahrrl an’ a trigger?

DOOCY: That’s a very good point.

AINSLEY EARHARDT: Very astute!

ROSEBERRY: [Smiling at EARHARDT] You lahk that, do ya? Ainsley, how’d yew lahk t’ be mah guest at Cawngress later, ‘cowse ah’m a-gowna make me a speech there t’day. Margy Taylor Greene gawt it all set up.

DOOCY: Wow, that’s a real scoop!

EARHARDT: And how!

DOOCY: But Floyd, isn’t Congress in recess? There won’t be anyone there.

ROSEBERRY: Wahl, Margy say we gowna have some good ol’ baws an’ some Prahd Baws an’ patr’ots an’ hwaht supreemaciss come aht an’ heah me make mah speech, so I reckon she gawt in all figgered out. Twelve noon. [Rubs EARHARDT’s arm, coos] It gowna be real nahce, Ainsley, ah’m a-gowna git one o’ them stretch limos ta’ take us.

DOOCY: Well, let’s get some cameras over to Capitol Hill, shall we?

[Later that day, ROSEBERRY is on a slow-moving flatbed truck on Constitution Avenue in Washington, screaming into a bullhorn while a few hundred redhats and Proud Boys attempt to murder U.S. Capitol Police officers in the background.]

ROSEBERRY: Gowdammit, this is hwut ah’m tawkin’ abaht! This heah’s s’pose ta’ be th’ Hahse o’ the People, but they won’ let us in t’ tell America th’ truth!

[He pulls out what looks like an old-fashioned Playstation controller.]

Well, nah they done gown too fah! Ah’m a-fixing ta kill eve’ybody in this gowdamn lib’rul city full o’ culluheds with this heah boamb, less’n Joe Bahden fucks Kamala Harris wi’ a dildo ohn th’ Hwaht House lawn an’ say he sawry fo’ my Medicaid nawt payin’ fo’ mah shawts. Ah done tuk a buncha meth an’ warsh’t it down with hwaht lahtnin’, and ah mean bidness!

[MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE, wearing gym clothes, vaults onto the truck.]

GREENE: [Screaming] You tell ‘em, Floyd! You tell ‘em! Hey Joe Biden, you piece of shit, this is what a real man looks like!

[GREENE hugs ROSEBERRY from behind and wraps one leg around his thigh.]

ROSEBERRY: [Anguished] AINSLEY! HWHEY YA BE! AH GAWT CHAMPAIN AN’ SWEETS IN TH’ LIMO!

[Some days later, in a high school gym in Palm Beach, Florida, a bunch of Republicans are applauding ROSEBERRY, who is standing on the stage, a faraway look in his eyes, wearing a better-fitting grey suit and a red MAGA hat, and sweating profusely. County Republican Chairman HUGH BARDOL stands next to ROSEBERRY and speaks on mic.]

BARDOL: And while a lot of people say Floyd’s famous speech on August 19th was a Deep State False Flag to discredit our movement — and I’m not saying it wasn’t, because unlike the liberals I’ve got an open mind — I also believe that Floyd is a great American and he offers us our best chance in the January special election in District 20! Ladies and Gentlemen, our next Congressman, Floyd Roy Roseberry!

[BARDOL hands ROSEBERRY the mic.]

ROSEBERRY: Thank yew, thank yew. Ah’m nawt gawna speak much t’day. Ah done tuk a buncha pills an’ ah din’t know hwut they was an’ they makin’ me kanda jumpy. But I woana say, ah know ah cain’t win ‘cowse o’ all the culluhed but it don’ mattah, ‘cowse they say if ah run, even if ah lose ah c’n go afta thet Marco Rubio, an’ I know I c’n beat ‘im ‘cowse Pre’dint Trump said I could awn Rumble —

[Huge cheers.]

‘An then Ainsley Earhardt gawta pay attention t’ me! She gawta! [Louder] Ainsley, if’n yo’ kin heah me, ah woant ya t’ know, it ain’t th’ drugs or th’ shawts ah done it fo’, ah done it fo’ – I done it fo’ –

[The eyes in ROSEBERRY’s head roll back and he collapses. BARDOL leads the audience in a huge round of applause. SLOW BLACKOUT.]