The Messenger

Going down for the Third Way

[A small conference room, the WelcomeFest logo in the background. Sitting at a standard-issue conference room table with water bottles are JOSH BARRO — wearing a black Gregg Homme Mythic men’s V-neck muscle shirt, Hiroshi Kato Pen Slim 10.5oz blue jeans, and tan Ralph Lauren Purple Label Daxton leather oxfords — and MATTHEW YGLESIAS — wearing a Hart Schaffner Marx New York Crosshatch sport coat, an olive green Tom Ford button-down shirt open at the neck and untucked, matching Banana Republic traveler’s pants, and black Asics.]

BARRO: Just stupid, really. Stupid trash kids.

YGLESIAS: I know, right? Always so earnest, so, so just wide-eyed and —

BARRO: Storming the stage like, I don’t know, Occupy WelcomeFest. And for what? For Gaza? I mean how expected.

YGLESIAS: I thought playing “You’re So Vain” when Security took them out was brilliant.

BARRO: That’s exactly what the Democrats have to start doing! No more of this kinte-cloth shit, just start beating up Columbia keffiyeh students on camera. That’s popularism.

YGLESIAS: Yes!

BARRO: An abundance of ass-kicking.

YGLESIAS: They do that over fracking, too, you know. I mean, get some new material.

BARRO: Oh, right, [makes air quotes] environmental justice. And the Democrats indulge them!

YGLESIAS: Harris was very good on fracking, actually.

BARRO: Well, she should have said it more often, then. That could have won Pennsylvania for her. People love fracking.

YGLESIAS: I totally agree, I —

[The conference room door opens, and someone who looks eerily like former New York City Mayor MICHAEL BLOOMBERG, only much younger, about 30, wearing a navy blue Oasi cashmere suit with white shirt, an Apple watch (to which he from time to time refers), and Alessandro Demesure black leather oxfords, enters.]

MAN: I believe this is the right room.

[He walks in, surprisingly slowly, and takes a seat. BARRO and YGLESIAS look at each other.]

BARRO: I take it you’re the surprise guest Lauren told us about.

MAN: Yes.

YGLESIAS: I’m Matt, and this is —

MAN: I know who you are.

[Beat.]

You can call me Mike. Now first let me say, I saw your presentations and I thought they were very well done.

YGLESIAS: [Nods] Thank you.

MAN: Particularly what you said, Josh, about unions. You know, I think that’s the key to the whole thing. Municipal unions, they’re the worst. You know, when I was elected, I couldn’t believe all the kowtowing and kissing up you had to do just to get a roof put on a friggin’ shed. The first day —

BARRO: Excuse me. You said, “when I was elected.” What office did you hold?

MAN: I was the Mayor of New York City.

YGLESIAS: What – you – you’re saying you’re Michael Bloomberg?

BLOOMBERG: Yes, that’s right.

[BARRO and YGLESIAS look around, and at each other.]

BARRO: Forgive my saying so but — well, I mean —

YGLESIAS: You look great, by the way.

BARRO: Yes, so great, in fact, that I don’t see how — I mean it’s impossible.

YGLESIAS: Shouldn’t you be about 80 years old?

BARRO: Older.

YGLESIAS: No offense.

BARRO: I mean.

BLOOMBERG: I know you gentlemen are well-respected in your field, and you know some very powerful and highly-placed people. But the kind of resources I have at my disposal are — well, literally beyond your imagination.

[Pause.]

YGLESIAS: So… is this like The Substance?

[BLOOMBERG scoffs.]

BLOOMBERG: The Substance is a fable. There’s no morality involved here. It’s just science. It’s very simple and when you fellas have a couple of billion dollars you can find out. You’re still young. You have time.

[Pause.]

Well, in terms of policy I think you and everybody on the WelcomeFest team are pretty much on the ball. But I have to tell you, and for now this can’t go any further than this room, that while moderation is definitely the key to victory, in some matters we have to be more radical. For instance, this David Hogg. It’s getting embarrassing and I don’t think we can trust the new vote to return a more favorable result. You gentlemen know your movies. I wonder if you’re seen Michael Clayton. In real life, of course, nobody —

[BLOOMBERG stops. He has been looking at his watch, and is now transfixed by it.]

BARRO: What is it, Mr. Bloomberg? Do you have an appointment? Do you need to go?

YGLESIAS: We can go with you, we can take you there. Josh has a car.

[BLOOMBERG stands up, tapping the watch. BARRO and YGLESIAS stand as well.]

YGLESIAS: [To BARRO] Wow, he must be really late.

[BLOOMBERG’s jaw drops. He makes a rattling sound. A blue fluid streams from his eyes. Heavy footsteps in the hall, followed by five big men in black suits who, as YGLESIAS and BARRO cower, take hold of BLOOMBERG, lift him and carry him out of the room. Heavy steps away, then silence.]

YGLESIAS: [Pointing to the table] Look!

[BARRO picks something off the table — a business card.]

YGLESIAS: I don’t remember him putting down a card.

BARRO: I don’t think it was him.

YGLESIAS: [Reading over BARRO’s shoulder] “Expect us.”

BARRO: [Referring to the card] Is that a drawing of Nelson Rockefeller?

YGLESIAS: How should I know?