The Muppets meet Black Lives Matter

The struggle comes to Sesame Street

[BERT and ERNIE are walking around Seattle, looking around.]

BERT: Gee, Ernie, this Seattle is some place, isn’t it!

ERNIE: Yeah! It lacks the excitement and authenticity of Sesame Street, and it’s not very diverse! But the coffee really gets you wound up, doesn’t it?

BERT: It sure does! I can’t wait to check out Stumptown! Hey, Ernie, what’s that?

ERNIE: Sounds like shouting!

[They come upon a bunch of Muppets waving signs and crying “Black lives matter, “Hands up don't shoot,” “Say his name, George Floyd,” etc.]

BERT: Wow! Everyone’s pretty excited!

[BERT taps a protesting Muppet on the shoulder.]

Excuse me, my name is Bert and this is my friend Ernie, we’re new to Seattle and we were just wondering what all the excitement was about.

PROTESTING MUPPET: Oh, hi, Bert, hi, Ernie! I’m Afeni! We’re all protesting because the police keep killing black people and we want justice and also lasting change which means we have to defund the police!

ANOTHER PROTESTING MUPPET: Abolish the police!

AFENI: Yeah, abolish the police!

ERNIE: Defund the police? Abolish the police? But that sounds bad! And, and all the policemen we know are nice to us, like Charlie’s Uncle Louie and Officer George!

AFENI: Bert and Ernie, you seem like nice guys, but you got to educate yourself!

[BIG BIRD, ELMO, ABBY CADABBY, and JULIA enter, all carrying Starbucks cups.]

ABBY CADABBY: That’s right, guys! You’ve got to educate yourself! We all do!

ERNIE: Hi, guys! Glad you caught up with Bert and me! It sounds like you know Afeni!

ABBY CADABBY: No I don’t, but I recognize a comrade when I see one, what’s good Afeni!

AFENI: Hi — Hey, I know you! You’re Abby Cadabby!

ANOTHER PROTESTING MUPPET: Hey guys, guys, look, it's Abby Caddaby!

[The other protestor Muppets are excited and greet ABBY.]

BERT: Wow, Abby, everybody’s excited to see you! Are you famous?

ABBY CADABBY: Kind of, Bert!

AFENI: Hell yes she is! She’s a damn radical faery!

ABBY CADABBY: Uh huh! But also because of the message in my name!

[The name ABBY CADABBY appears as a super at the top of the screen.]

You just take away a few letters and you get A — C — A — B! See?

[Super changes as per.]

That stands for All Cops Are Bastards!

[The protestors start chanting “All Cops Are Bastards.”]

ERNIE: All cops are bastards? But what about Uncle Louie and Officer George —

[Suddenly JULIA is shot in the eye with a rubber bullet. A bunch of Muppet cops, including a familiar-looking blue Muppet, sweep in, kettle the protestors and start clubbing everybody; BIG BIRD’s feathers fly.]

DONUT MONSTER: [Clubbing merrily] DO-NUT! DO-NUT! [Pepper-sprays ELMO]

[Dissolve to the gang back on Sesame Street in front of Hooper’s Store with ALAN; all have bandages and JULIA wears an eyepatch, which she keeps playing with. They all look pissed.]

ALAN: Gosh, guys, I hate to see you all so hurt and sad!

BERT: That’s okay, Alan — it sorta had to happen to bring the struggle home! Now that we know what time it is, we’re all gonna do our part to effect radical change!

EVERYBODY: Hell yeah!

[Camera pulls back to show, hung above Sesame Street, a banner marked AZSS — AUTONOMOUS ZONE OF SESAME STREET, and various Muppets conducting teach-ins and drawing in chalk. Music outro.]