The New Deal

How these things should be handled

SCENE 1:  EMERGENCY PRESS CONFERENCE, THE WHITE HOUSE

PRESIDENT BIDEN: OK. OK. Yesterday some things were said and I guess I have to explain myself. Peter Doocy’s over there, how ya doin’, Peter. We had what they call a hot mic here and everybody heard me call Mr. Doocy a stupid son of a bitch. And I’m here to say that I meant it, Peter Doocy is a stupid son of a bitch. Now, I mean no disrespect to his parents, who I’m sure are fine people. This is a figure of speech —

DOOCY: How dare you, Mr. Biden!

UNIDENTIFIED REPORTER: Ah shut up, you stupid son of a bitch!

[Laughter.]

PRESIDENT BIDEN: — a figure of speech, as I said, to show contempt for a person, because what you’re saying is, the fellow who’s stupid is also malevolent, and he’s too stupid to know he’s malevolent and too malevolent to know he’s stupid. Maybe one of you folks can give Peter a dictionary so he can look up malevolent. Anyway I came here to say I meant every word of it, and also next week I will award Jen Psaki the Presidential Medal of Freedom in recognition of her having to put up with the stupid son of a bitch for a whole year. OK, that’s all.

[PRESIDENT exits; applause, cheers.]

SCENE 2:  SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE WHITE HOUSE.

PRESIDENT BIDEN: Good evening. Many of you have been following with concern the recent actions of the Russian military on the border of Ukraine, and I want you to know that earlier today I spoke with Russian President Vladimir Putin. The conversation got a little tense at times, because of our competing interests in the region and the fundamental difference between the totalitarian way of life and military expansion that grows from it, favored by Mr. Putin, and the democratic way of life that we favor, and the hope for world peace that animates our foreign policy. It was a difficult conversation, but fortunately we were able to find some areas of common ground. For example, President Putin told me that he agreed, wholeheartedly, that Peter Doocy is one stupid son of a bitch. In fact, Mr. Putin told me, through his interpreter, that Peter Doocy is so stupid he sold his car for gas money. We both enjoyed a laugh over that, and afterwards the conversation went more smoothly, and I am here to tell you that the Russian forces have turned back and the people of Ukraine have nothing to fear. Nonetheless we must remain vigilant against the expansionist policies of the Russian government and the stupidity of Peter Doocy. Thank you, God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.

SCENE 3:  PRESS CONFERENCE, THE WHITE HOUSE, JOINED IN PROGRESS

JAMES ROSEN: Mr. President, it is clear now that inflation caused by your policies will destroy the United States and the world as we know it. What is your response to this?

PRESIDENT BIDEN: What’s my response? My response is it’s a bunch of bullshit. I could trot out the usual economic figures that show how well the country is doing economically, but you never listen so what’s the point. Go fuck yourself. Who’s next? Oh, Jesus, Eric, they sent you? OK, show me what you’ve got.

ERIC BOLLING: Sir, Americans are desperately concerned as to your state of mind and that you are hopelessly senile after your vicious attack on Peter Doocy, a mere child —

PRESIDENT BIDEN: Oh come the fuck on. I know you guys think you’re superstars, but let me tell you something, I’ve spent this entire press conference swearing at you guys, and in the past fifteen minutes my approval rating has gone up 300 percent — look.

[BIDEN points to a counter on the back wall that is at 340% and continues to spin upward.]

See, it turns out that the American people hate you stupid sons of bitches. I mean, you’re so dumb you think Grape Nuts is a sexually transmitted disease. You’re so dumb you think “cum laude” is a gospel song. That’s a shout out to my African American voters! Anyway, I could stay here all day and run up the score but I have the people’s business to do, so goodbye, fuck you, and eat my ass. [Leaves.]