The next wave in conservative TV

Roger Ailes nods approvingly in Hell

A spokesman for Viacom said that no plans are in the works to launch a news channel, “conservative or otherwise,” after a report that [CBS Corporation and Viacom vice-chairwoman] Shari Redstone was quietly exploring such a plan to rival Fox News...

Redstone’s representative did confirm that she met with President Donald Trump in the past few weeks, but a potential news channel was not discussed. The meeting lasted about an hour. — Deadline

INAUGURAL PROGRAM DAY: GOD & GUN NETWORK

5 am Sign-on: Patriotic montage with a new song — the G&GN Anthem — sung by Toby Keith. Sample lyrics:

I’ll kill a goddamn libtard
And I’ll kill a raghead too
And since Israel tossed out Bibi,
What the hell, I’ll kill a Jew
’Cuz I’m a true American
I'll kill anyone who ain’t
’Cuz I worship Trump and Jesus
If you don’t you kin kiss — mah — taaaaaint

5:15 am-8:00 am: The Kick-Ass Morning Show. Host Tyrus, G&GN’s first big hire from Fox News, starts this decided un-PC show with a hilarious ventriloquist routine featuring a blow-up doll he calls “Bitch McHenry Ooh Maybe I’m Not Supposed To Say That On Account Of #MeToo Well Too Bad Bitch McHenry,” then sports and weather. His sidekick, a rowdy newcomer called Poopmouth, follows with his offbeat take on the morning headlines and figures in the news such as “Il-handjob Omar” and “Nancy Pelosi Suck My Dick,” and a discussion of faith and family with special guest Vice-President Mike Pence. Then, Tyrus and Poopmouth mix it up with a cast of talented rightwing humorists led by Yeah I Said It Award-winner Butch Buttcrack and Dennis Miller.

9:00 am-10:00 am: Libkill McMaga. Kids of all ages will go for this wacky animated secret agent parody in which Libkill McMaga — agent 1488, with a license to kill libs — kills libs non-stop but it’s just a joke so lighten up, libs, before we kill you! That’s a joke, too, Jeez, you libs are touchy! Created by Carpe Donktum and Mike Judge.

10:00 am-11:00 am: Goldline, healing magnet commercials.

12:00 am-noon: Michelle Bachman’s Hour of Faith and Immigration Control. The former Minnesota Congresswoman, now an ordained minister in the First Church of Christ Border Patrol Agent, alternates between Bible stories with an ICE-friendly focus (for example, how the Prodigal Son only returned home because of Migrant Protection Protocols) and horror stories of illegal immigrants who rape, murder, and rape-murder white people. Organ music by E. Power Biggs III.

Noon-2:00 pm: Bladder control, mobility device, and Trump commemorative merchandise infomercials.

2:00 pm-3:00 pm: Trump Exercise for Winners Only. Janine Turner leads viewers in a series of exercises endorsed by the President himself and appropriate for all ages. Includes getting in and out of chairs, that nipple-twisting thing he does, and the Trump Owning the Libs Strut. Filmed on location at Mar-a-Lago.

3:00 pm-4:00 pm: Hunting Humans with Ted Nugent. Traditional hunting show, with a twist: Elk, deer, rabbits etc. have their heads digitally replaced with the heads of liberals like Robert DeNiro and Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez, with comic byplay as they are stalked, slaughtered, and eviscerated.

4:00 pm-5:30 pm: Shootin’ Rounds and Rollin’ Coal. Ordinary people from counties with more churches than libraries compete and show off how loud and destructive their weapons are and how thick they can roll coal. Winners get prizes like coffin freezers, archery equipment, and meth lab starter kits.

5:30 pm-6:30: Ads for reverse mortgages, survival rations.

6:30 pm-7:30 pm: Nightly News with Diamond and Silk. Conservative America’s favorite black people tell it like it is as they run through the headlines, interjecting “oh no she din’t” and “uh huh, uh huh,” and soliciting PayPal donations for their upcoming feature film, Diamond and Silk Drain the Swamp.

7:30 pm-8:00 pm: A South Park rerun.

8:00 pm-midnight: Jean-Claude Van Damme film festival.

Midnight-5:00 am: Porn.