116 Comments

Brilliant. Can't wait to see what gets honored at the next Kennedy honors thing. Of course, the audience is down to, what, the six figures?

But I digress. My heartfelt thanks to Roy for this:

"I have to tell you, Mr. President, I’ve been watching you and you definitely do have some feminine characteristics."

Personally, I can make a case that Trump is our first woman POTUS. But, as I just showed, I cannot make it tastefully so, like, it's not ready for public view yet, probably never. Suffice to say, Fake Tubby is more Lady Macbeth than Macbeth.

Expand full comment

If you can't say anything tastefully, come sit by me.

Expand full comment

Did you have to listen to "Mame" before you wrote the alternate lyrics or could you write the parody off the top of your head? You did a fine job!

Maybe Melanoma is more suited to "Sweet Charity"

Typecasting.

Expand full comment
6dEdited

"only old and crippled people die" just ROCKS!

2 marks!

Expand full comment

EEEEF goats could see me now, from Slo-ven-yah

They'd faint from FOMO, wow!

Expand full comment

{ jazz hands}

Expand full comment

[Trumpov accordion hands]

Expand full comment

Are you referencing the Double Jerkoff? Has he trademarked that yet?

Expand full comment

Good luck trademarking it, that move has been performed in the YMCA shower room for DECADES.

Expand full comment

First Daughter and Top White House Advisor in Damn Yankees:

"Whatever Van-ky wants, Van-ky gets..."

Expand full comment

Or Cats, since the old bastard loves “Memory”

Expand full comment

Is there a song from Cats that could be changed to Dogs and sung by Kristi Noem in her cowgirl finery with a bedazzled shotgun? Or maybe something from Annie (Kristi) Get Your Gun? AGYG also offers the opportunity for Lone Skum to sing "Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better" whilst prancing around the Resolute Desk with X AE A-XII on his shoulders.

Expand full comment

Would Mrs. Vance be willing to perform "I'm an Indian Too," also from AGYG?

Expand full comment

Lyrics are kinda perfect as they stand:

With my chief in his teepee

We'll raise an Indian family

And I'll be busy night and day

Looking like a flour sack

With two papooses on my back

And three papooses on the way

Expand full comment

Hearted for "bedazzled shotgun"

Expand full comment

Bedazzled Shotgun is opening at Branson this April

Expand full comment

Beats a pair of gold-handled six-shooters any day.

Expand full comment

perhaps 'I'm just a girl who can't say no' from Oklahoma. she's already dressed, as noted.

Expand full comment

I LOVE that song/performance!

But you spelled "cain't" wrong.

Expand full comment

He has no memory of that

Expand full comment

101 Dalmatians. She’s already got Cruella’s hat.

Expand full comment

Man, that's a lotta trips to the gravel pit.

Expand full comment

OK, ok...Oof. Right there in black and white.

Expand full comment

I wanna be Cosmo!

Expand full comment

You knocked it outta the park —

Expand full comment

No one here's left in the dark –

Expand full comment

At least none without snark –

[C'mon, rfc – we need to get this lot INVOLVED here! This group lyricizing is HARD!]

Expand full comment

The only part of this I don't believe implicitly is J.Voight walking out...

I still want to see the R.Schneider-J.Peterson Road Show.

Expand full comment

Alas, Roy's scenario is far too entertaining for what's ahead. Kennedy Center productions will be, essentially, Trump rallies in formal dress.

Expand full comment

Wondering who's going to be the *audience*, as I can't imagine the Life And Times Of Horst Wessel will play to anything but rows of empty seats.

Expand full comment

Same people who attend rallies?

Expand full comment

Not for the price of Kennedy Center tickets: which were over$35 for the cheapest nosebleed section when I looked, for a DC trip, in the 90s.

Expand full comment

The tickets won't sell, so they'll give them away to fill seats, or recruit people off of Craigslist and pay them. Your tax dollars at work. The BIGGEST crowd the Kennedy Center has EVER had, no one has filled the seats in all of history like Trump.

Expand full comment

This Show Business

Is doing no business

Expand full comment

Pro tip:

Retire.

Get the KC Friday morning specials for half price.

Sit up in the nosebleeds.

Enjoy the best acoustical quality.

Get home in time for a nap.

Expand full comment

This the RF Kennedy Jr. Center we're talkin' about?

Expand full comment

Sondheim. Too fa--I mean too sophisticated for this crowd.

Expand full comment

Roger Stone - Jordan Peterson fashion show

Expand full comment

Aunty, Maimed. And she'll be a better (ie more subservient) person for it.

Expand full comment

She sounds old, not hot.

Expand full comment

When it comes to the maiming, I'd say he's more pro than anti.

Expand full comment

I've been working on a Halloween costume of Auntie Maim for a few years now — someday I'll get it worked out and we'll use it.

Expand full comment

Git 'er done!

Expand full comment

We've been procrastinating due to the lack of going to Halloween events for the last 5 years. Someday!

Expand full comment

Annnnd SCENE! It's amazing to have such a long life that you grieved for RFK and wanted to hurl for RFK Jr. If he makes 'shrooms legal, that will at least be one thing that he did that was worth while. But you'll be high and wondering who'll break down the door, or if that skin rash is actually measles.

Expand full comment

Did you ever look at your pustules, I mean, really look at them?

Expand full comment

Nooooo...but YOUR's are...disturbing...

Expand full comment

Whatever did Jerry Herman do to you to deserve this??

Expand full comment

Amazing. Eleventy jillion stars (out of four).

Expand full comment

Whoa, whoa –

Expand full comment

"The Aristocrats!"

Expand full comment

Nah, they’re far too classy for that lot.

Expand full comment

Boffo, no notes (except it's *Stephen Miller).

Expand full comment

The guy who doesn’t know his favorite dance tune is a gay anthem will probably let them put on a musical version of “Hedwig and the Angry Inch” if he’s told it’s about a hungry caterpillar.

Expand full comment

He won’t like the implication that on his head there’s a wig. But Stephen Miller performing a tender version of Wicked Little Town intrigues me.

Expand full comment

what's that on your head

A WIG

Expand full comment

Inchsquirm, inchsquirm, etc.

Expand full comment

medicine/get us, and = perfection.

But Voight with standards? Wow. His videos for Trump were masterpieces of pretension and MAGA cult nonsense. But okay!

Expand full comment

Well, he IS a professional. And a STAR!

Expand full comment

Fun fact I learned today (having dropped a couple lines of yer opus on my pal the Perfesser):

Jon Voight was in the Perfesser's college fraternity. He had nought else to say on the matter.

Expand full comment

!

Expand full comment

Yeah, me too. We were sitting in the Hirshhorn* waiting for our friends to show up and when he said that I was slightly shook loose from my sense of reality for a moment.

*the Osgemeos: 2 marks. They took over the whole 3rd floor and installed a dazzler of a show. DC should commission them to do a city-wide makeover.

Expand full comment

Well, "Mame" the musical is a flaming dumpster and an affront to the original, so this all scans.

(EDIT: "Mame" is the one with Lucille Ball, right? God, I can't remember.)

Expand full comment

(Yes, it is.)

Expand full comment

Never seen it, despite my well-known love of American musical comedy. Somehow I just knew to stay away.

Expand full comment

Misbegotten movie casting was a big tipoff. Perhaps some leading ladies up to the job made it work on Bwy.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mame_(musical)

Expand full comment

I saw the original first, and loved it (celebration of weirdos? Count me in!) and then saw the musical which if I remember correctly muted a lot of the "fuck 'em If they can't take a joke" message.

Expand full comment

Sounds very Curse of the Remake (or adaptation).

Expand full comment

Yeah, I consider Lucille Ball a deadweight in the role, but then again neither Spouse nor I can stand her in *anything*.

Expand full comment

The Wiki is ON it!

"Rosalind Russell didn’t want the role, Mary Martin backed out after her initial acceptance, and Ethel Merman declined. The producers “heard from—or considered…Eve Arden, Lauren Bacall, Lucille Ball, Kaye Ballard, Constance Bennett, Georgia Brown, Kitty Carlisle, Barbara Cook, Bette Davis, Doris Day, Olivia de Havilland, Phyllis Diller, Irene Dunne, Nanette Fabray, Arlene Francis, Judy Garland, Greer Garson, Mitzi Gaynor, Dolores Gray, Tammy Grimes, Julie Harris, Susan Hayward, Katharine Hepburn, Lena Horne, Lisa Kirk, Margaret Leighton, Beatrice Lillie, Gisele MacKenzie, Jane Morgan, Patrice Munsel, Geraldine Page, Ginger Rogers, Dinah Shore, Simone Signoret, Maggie Smith, Elaine Stritch—and…Angela Lansbury," who was eventually cast.”[3]

Hallowell, John (17 June 1966). "How the Angels Smiled on Angela". Life. pp. 92B, 97–98.

TAMMY GRIMES!!!!

Expand full comment

You know, just one of those roles that can be played by either Katharine Hepburn or Lena Horne.

Expand full comment

or Beatrice Lillie...!!!

Expand full comment

Five-finger shoes? Omg. I'll never unsee those. If I'd magically been able to block one of Trump's abhorrent nominees it would have been RFKjr. He will cause untold harm. Words fail in the face of that looming catastrophe.

Trump's rampage into the Kennedy Center is a lesser tragedy, of course, but I'm sad about it, and don't understand why he's doing it. Doesn't seem as if he's been a patron or even given a shit about the Arts. Destruction for the sake of destruction? Can we please stop calling these Berserkers conservatives?

Expand full comment

RFK Jr. as Norma Desmond in the Kennedy Center production of Sunset Boulevard:

"I am big [flexes biceps), it's the pox that got small!"

Expand full comment

Soon to be renamed Pox Americana. Google, take note.

Expand full comment

Let me be the first to oof this.

Expand full comment

My work here is done.

Expand full comment

2 (pock) marks!

Expand full comment

Good one today Roy.

Expand full comment

Easy there bo – don't overdo it...

Expand full comment

Got some strong PTSD these days - definitely don't need to be overdoing anything. Thank you brother.

Expand full comment

Carry on, carry on...

Expand full comment