The Out of Towners

New York comes to Washington

© 2011 ImagineCup used under a Creative Commons license


[The Oval Office. RUDY GIULIANI is sitting on a sofa, playing with his phone. MICHAEL BLOOMBERG walks in.]

GIULIANI: Holy shit! Look who it is.

BLOOMBERG: Hello, Rudy. How are you.

GIULIANI: You want the truth?

BLOOMBERG: [Laughs] It’s good to see you.

GIULIANI: [Putting away his phone.] You too. What are you doing here?

BLOOMBERG: I’ve got a meeting.

[BLOOMBERG joins GIULIANI on the couch.]

GIULIANI: Oh, so that’s your helicopter? They make me take a car.

BLOOMBERG: You’re better off. I’m around a thousand flights now. And the more you do it, you know, the greater the chance of an accident. These things are death traps. I know three guys who got killed in them.

GIULIANI: So why do it?

BLOOMBERG: Well, don’t tell anyone I told you this, but when you get to a certain level — you know, in terms of money — you sort of have to.

GIULIANI: Like a code.

BLOOMBERG: Yeah, that’s right. It's like the TED talks, or climbing Everest. You do it because it’s what you do. Or running for mayor. I wanted it, don’t get me wrong, but if it wasn’t that, I'd have to run a big charity like Gates, and I’m just not built for it.

GIULIANI: So that’s why all you rich guys are running for president?

BLOOMBERG: Well, the other guys say it’s because of socialism, but they’re full of shit. They like the action. You saw Deval Patrick is getting in. He thinks he can be the next Obama. Poor bastard. It’s like when they lost Ali and they got Larry Holmes. Nobody wants to see that.

GIULIANI: Yeah, well, forgive me if I don’t sympathize. I still have to work for a living. That’s what got me in trouble! Which is what brings me here but you, ya cagey Jew bastard, you still haven’t answered me! What are you doing here? Aren’t you running against him?

BLOOMBERG: Well, it remains to be seen whether he’ll be the nominee.

GIULIANI: Oh, come on! No chance!

BLOOMBERG: No, you come on, Rudy.

GIULIANI: They got nothing! [Looks around, lowers voice] And even if they did. You see how much he’s gotten away with? Him and the kids? They’re pounding this place like a crooked slot machine! And the Republicans, they can’t say shit. They’ll either get dumped in the primary or indicted. The man’s invincible!

BLOOMBERG: It’ll all come out, Rudy.

GIULIANI: Why should it?

BLOOMBERG: Rudy, no bullshit now. It’ll all come out.

GIULIANI: Oh, oh, look out, we got the deep state over here.

BLOOMBERG: Call it what you like. The man crossed too many lines.

GIULIANI: Ah, come on. The people don’t care. You know all the polls are rigged.

BLOOMBERG: They’re rigged all right, Rudy. I’ve seen the real polls. He’s at 22%.

[Pause.]

GIULIANI: You’re — you’re not kidding, Mike.

BLOOMBERG: We don’t let it get around because — well, for the same reason we’re not letting the socialists get in. People are pissed, Rudy. They can’t do anything about it. But it’s better all around if we don’t have to show them that they can’t. Know what I mean?

[Pause.]

GIULIANI: Well, I’m fucked then. I’m just — I’m fucked. All this time I’m thinking, we can brass it out, just hold our heads high, say whatever shit like it’s the gospel truth and keep walking. By the time they catch on we’re either living in nice dachas on the Black Sea or we’re dead.

[Pause.]

But what you’re telling me is we’re fucked. Is that it?

BLOOMBERG: There’s always an exit strategy, Rudy. What did you mean the other day when you said you had insurance?

[Pause. GIULIANI looks at the Resolute Desk, looks around the room.]

GIULIANI: That was just bullshit, Mike. A little something for the troops, you know.

BLOOMBERG: So you don’t have anything?

[Pause. GIULIANI gives a manic grin.]

GIULIANI: Have anything? Do I have anything? I got plenty. You wouldn’t believe what I got. Listen, I’ve known the guy a long time. I’ve seen him when he needed money, and he needed advice on where to get the money, and what he hadda do to get the money. And I’ve seen him get the money. I’ve been in this office, right where you’re sitting and let me tell you, nothing has changed. Do I have anything? You kidding?

BLOOMBERG: Well then, Rudy, here’s my advice: When you get the call, take it. And if you’re wondering whether they’ll let you look like a hostile witness, the answer is, if you have plenty? Yes.

[BLOOMBERG gets up.]

Hey, it was good to see you, Rudy. Hi to the kids.

GIULIANI: You’re not sticking around for the meeting, Mike?

BLOOMBERG: I just had it.

[BLOOMBERG leaves at the CURTAIN falls.]