The Popish Plot

The boys in the rectory confront a heresy

[The old-fashioned, lace-curtain, oak-paneled rectory seen in “Feast Day,” “Opus Duh,” “A Few Drinks After Work,” “Solving the World’s Problems,” “Get Out the Metal Rulers”, “Hard Times at the Rectory,” and “The Night Visitor.” The usual characters are having drinks: ROSS DOUTHAT (B&B), Attorney General BILL BARR (single malt), Supreme Court Associate Justice BOOF KAVANAUGH (the black stuff), and former Secretary of Education WILLIAM BENNETT (the Irish). As the others relax in their tack-upholstered chairs, BENNETT stands, weaving and declaiming. ]

BENNETT: Faith, an’ I thought the Red Jebby was bad! D’you know what that Leo is up to now? Wavin’ in the wetbacks, he is! An’ he’s got the Bishops of these United States preachin’ it for ‘im!

[BENNETT points at DOUTHAT.]

Ross, you’re always givin’ the Pope advice in your newspaper! Whyn’t you tell him what’s what! Stick to savin’ souls an’ leave politics to us!

BARR: I don’t think the Pope reads the Times, Bill.

KAVANAUGH: The Sun-Times, that’s what he reads.

BENNETT: Nah, of course he reads the Times, all them lefties do. [To DOUTHAT] Ross me boy, you got to make a stand. You can do it when you want to, I know you can. You brought that lady in to tell them bossy women what’s what, ‘bout how they’re ruinin’ the workplace, not lettin’ ‘em have pin-ups on th’ wall or tell doorty jokes, an’ how they should stay home an’ make babies instead.

DOUTHAT: She didn’t say make babies —

BENNETT: Doesn’t matter! Everyone knows what you meant! When it comes to sex, you light up like a Christmas tree. Y’know Leo had some o’ them transy-sexuals t’lunch! At the Vatican, if you please!

BARR: At least we know they weren’t screwing the altar boys.

BENNETT: How d’ye know they weren’t? All sexed up they are. Come on, Ross me boy. Everyone else at your paper is soft on Leo. That dirty Proddy David French kissin’ up to him! Come on, auld son, pretend he’s a lady with a briefcase an’ a short skirt and lay into ‘im!

DOUTHAT: Sorry, Bill, Mr. Sulzberger says I can only do three Pope columns a year.

BENNETT: Pah!

[BENNETT goes to the bar to freshen his drink.]

KAVANAUGH: I sympathize with Bill. The girls came home from school the other day and asked me about Kavanaugh Stops.

BARR: You don’t say. What’d they ask you?

KAVANAUGH: They showed me some news clips about ICE and said were these Kavanaugh Stops and what would the Holy Father say.

BARR: Well, you asked for it, Brett.

BENNETT: They get it from the nuns!

KAVANAUGH: The sisters are only following the Holy Father. I just wish we could get him to stop talking about it.

BENNETT: We can get him to stop talking, period! [Lays a finger on the side of his nose] The lads in Opus Dei are workin’ on a little project.

BARR: Oh, for God’s sake, Bill. Next you’ll tell me you got the ‘RA working on it. Leo’s got Opus Dei in a box.

[DOUTHAT’s phone vibrates; he checks it.]

Look, can’t you just be happy the Pope is an American? He’s a baseball fan! Show the kids Leo hitting fungos and spare me this James Bond hooey.

[DOUTHAT stands up.]

DOUTHAT: Guys, listen, I didn’t want to say anything because I thought he might not make it, but I’ve got a guest coming who might be able to — ah, I hear Miz Noonan letting him in now.

[The door opens and JD VANCE comes in. BARR and KAVANAUGH stand.]

Gentlemen, I give you the Vice-President of the United States.

KAVANAUGH: Mr. Vice-President [extends hand].

VANCE: [Shaking KAVANAUGH’s hand] Hi, Brett, how are you.

BARR: Excuse me, Mr. Vice-President. Brett, get him a drink.

[BARR grabs DOUTHAT and BENNETT and pulls them to a corner of the room while VANCE and KAVANAUGH chat. BARR takes DOUTHAT by the lapel.]

What the hell are you doing, Ross?

DOUTHAT: I know we’re supposed to take a vote first, but he’s the Vice-President.

BARR: It’s cradle Catholics only, Ross. You were the only exception we made and I’m really beginning to question it.

DOUTHAT: But —

BARR: I mean it, Ross! Remember when that Rod Dreher fella wandered in here? This is a closed shop and I mean to keep it that way.

DOUTHAT: Bill, listen. Remember when Vance went to the Vatican and the Pope dropped dead? Well, he’s done it once, so —

BARR: Are you out of your fucking mind? Do you really think this guy —

BENNETT: Now, hang on, Bill, let’s be reasonable.

BARR: What! Billy Bennett, you’re telling me this hillbilly has the power to kill Popes at will?

BENNETT: Well, Bill, Bernadette of Lourdes was a country girl herself.

BARR: God in Heaven, I — [stops, gets calm] OK, Bill, tell you what: Run the Vice-President through the Baltimore Catechism and I’ll consider it.

BENNETT: Alright, then.

[BARR, BENNETT, and DOUTHAT go over to VANCE and KAVANAUGH.]

BARR: Mr. Vice-President, I apologize, I had to confer with my colleagues here. Mr. Bennett has a few questions for you.

VANCE: Oh, OK. You’re not from the fake news, are you?

[Everyone laughs convivially.]

BENNETT: I assure you not, sir. Now, Mr. Vice-President, I understand you’re an adherent of the Catholic faith, is that right?

VANCE: Oh, sure.

BENNETT: And I assume you know your catechism.

VANCE: Uh, you mean the questions about God, right?

BENNETT: [A little frostily] Yes, Mr. Vice-President, the questions about God and our faith.

VANCE: OK.

BARR: [To VANCE] Mind running them through with us, Mr. Vice-President? Just for entertainment purposes.

VANCE: Ha ha, OK, if that’s your idea of a good time, sure.

BENNETT: [Very seriously] Alright, sir. Who made you?

VANCE: Uh… God, right?

[BENNETT takes in a long breath. Then:]

BENNETT: Why did God make you?

VANCE: Well, huh, I guess maybe he was lonely? He had this big planet and just animals in it and, well, he wanted someone like himself, you know, bipedal and — well, white, first of all.

BENNETT: [His eyes wide, slightly sputtering] Were you not taught, lad, that God made us to know Him, love Him, and serve Him?

VANCE: Whoa! Hey, old timer, why are you getting all bent out of shape? First, of all, I’m the Vice-President of the United States so a little respect here, OK? I’m not your “lad.” What are you guys, the Catholic police? Next you’re gonna tell me I have to take orders from that commie in the Vatican.

BARR: You refer to the Holy Father in Rome.

VANCE: Whatever. No one listens to Popes anyway. I mean let’s be honest, guys, isn’t this Catholic thing really just a secret society like — like the Masons?

[Steam comes out of BENNETT’s ears.]

BENNETT: MIZ NOONAN! GET THE DOOR!

[BENNETT seizes one of VANCE’s shoulders; BARR gets the other. They spin him around and give him the bum’s rush out the door, and, from the sound of it, through an outer door into the street. BENNETT and BARR return, dusting their hands, and go to the bar.]

KAVANAUGH: What the hell?

DOUTHAT: Oh my God. Oh my God. We’re, we’re in so much trouble.

BARR: [filling his glass] You know, William, we may expect a Kavanaugh stop of our own sometime soon.

BENNETT: [filling his glass] Let them do their worst, for we are clothed in the whole armor of God!

[They toast.]