The Night Visitor

A heathen violates the Rectory

[The old-fashioned, lace-curtain, oak-paneled rectory seen in “Feast Day,” “Opus Duh,” “A Few Drinks After Work,” “Solving the World’s Problems,” “Get Out the Metal Rulers” and “Hard Times at the Rectory.” The usual characters are having drinks: ROSS DOUTHAT (B&B), Attorney General BILL BARR (single malt), Supreme Court Associate Justice BOOF KAVANAUGH (the black stuff), and former Secretary of Education WILLIAM BENNETT (the Irish). DOUTHAT, wearing brown corduroy, a blue shirt, and a brown plaid sweater, is standing and lecturing; the others – except KAVANAUGH, who seems sunk in thought -- regard him skeptically.]

DOUTHAT: So you see, now that we have shown our strength at Harvard, we can march through the rest of the Ivy League institutions, you see, turning the screws as we go. They’ll have to reform or die!

BARR: I don’t know, Ross. All the other presidents are white.

DOUTHAT: [Stiffly] I don’t see what that has to do with it.

BENNETT: Ha! Come, now, boyo, ye had yer fun with the hottentot, but go on makin’ a habit of it with white people an’ ye’ll have ‘em cancelin’ their subscriptions.

BARR: Say, what school are you aiming your kids at, Ross? Arizona State?

DOUTHAT: I want them to make up their own minds about that.

BARR: Ah! Maybe they’ll skip college altogether. I think your eldest would make a very fine plumber.

DOUTHAT: [Hotly] You watch your mouth!

BENNETT: [To DOUTHAT] Perfectly good profession! I suppose you want ‘em all runnin’ their mouths in the newspapers like their old man.

DOUTHAT: Why do you all make mock of me?

BENNETT: Because you’re the sort o’ wispy gobshite we usedta put the boots to in Flatbush.

DOUTHAT: Well Brett’s with me on this, I’m sure he is.

BARR: I believe Brett’s got other things on his mind — jurisprudence, for instance, haven’t you, Brett?

KAVANAUGH: [Slurring a little] As a matter of fact, the Court has some very substantive cases in front of us at the moment.

BARR: No fooling. Speaking of which, Ross, Bill, need to see you in the pantry a moment.

KAVANAUGH: [Stands up] What? What? Hey, what’s going on?

[BENNETT, DOUTHAT and BARR head out of the room — BARR hits some buttons on his phone.]

BARR: We’ve got some oysters to shuck, and you, Mr. Associate Justice, have a surprise coming — just watch.

KAVANAUGH: But hey –

BARR: See you in a bit.

[BENNETT, DOUTHAT and BARR are gone. KAVANAUGH shrugs, drains his pint, goes to the service bar and pulls some Guinness. Without his noticing DONALD TRUMP, wearing the blue suit he usually wears in public, creeps in from a separate doorway; a couple of his private-duty pseudo-Secret-Service guys, unshaven and seedy, lurk in the doorway throughout his appearance. KAVANAUGH begins to drain his fresh pint, turns and, upon seeing TRUMP, does a Danny Thomas spit take.]

KAVANAUGH: Jesus! Mr. President! Sir! Very sorry!

TRUMP: Nothing changes with you, huh, rummy?

KAVANAUGH: [Laying his pint aside] Very good to see you, sir, but, really, sir, I’m afraid since you have a case pending before the Court and —

TRUMP: That’s right, rummy, I got a case. That’s what I come to see you about.

KAVANAUGH: But Mr. President —

TRUMP: [Looking around and sniffing] When was the last time you cleaned the rugs in this place? It smells like a Blarney Stone. This is what you do with the job I give you? Sit around getting loaded?

KAVANAUGH: [With a bit of steel] I work hard at that “job,” as you call it! I write opinions. You ask the Chief. I —

TRUMP: Fuck the Chief. You know who you answer to? Me!

[TRUMP backs KAVANAUGH around the room.]

Now you listen good, rummy. You’re gonna fix that Colorado thing for me. I don’t give a shit what the rest of them do. Because I’m gonna win, and anyone votes the wrong way I’m gonna make it hot for him. You hear me?

[TRUMP swats at something that looks like an antique lamp; it shatters into a million pieces. KAVANAUGH fliches; TRUMP immediately checks his hand.]

Holy shit.

[TRUMP continues backing KAVANAUGH around the room.]

I got files you don’t even know, rummy. Kids back in your school knew what disgusting pervert you were, and you still are. You touched their pee-pees, we’re gonna make it like you still touch their pee-pees.

KAVANAUGH: You can’t! I was cleared!

[TRUMP gets very close, seems to be on the verge of laying hands on KAVANAUGH.]

TRUMP: That’s the least of your troubles, rummy. You see what happened at those state capitol buildings yesterday? I got people out there. Serious people — try me — I say the word —

[TRUMP snaps his fingers close to KAVANAUGH’s face.]

— whoever I want dead is dead. Capisce?

VOICE OFF: Oh no you don’t!

[MIZ NOONAN, the charwoman, charges in and shakes her feather duster in TRUMP’s face.]

MIZ NOONAN: Ye’ll not be triflin’ with me boys, Mr. President! Or I swear to Mother Mary I’ll box yer ears for ye!

[TRUMP is stupefied; he looks for a second as if he might lunge at her, but catches out of the corner of his eye that his pseudo-SS is not poised to support him — in fact one of them is cutting his nails and the other is playing with his phone — so he backs up and curls his lip.]

TRUMP: I wouldn’t fuck you with my dick — I mean I — fuck!

[TRUMP wheels and stalks out; his goons follow. BARR, BENNETT, and DOUTHAT come back in, all smiles; KAVANAUGH falls back into a chair.]

BENNETT: [Slapping a shaken KAVANAUGH’s back] Ha ha alright, laddybuck! Ye showed a bit o’ spine at last, yerrah!

BARR: [Shaking MIZ NOONAN’s hand and handing her a rocks glass full of ice and gin] Thirsty work, Miz Noonan.

MIZ NOONAN: ‘ta, sir. Yer health!

[She drains the glass. Cheers all around. “The Lid o’ Me Granny’s Bin” plays.]