The road to legitimacy

Wari Beiss faces hard choices

[The large, sleek, high-floor picture-window office of University of Austin /Free Press founder BARI WEISS. who, wearing a black Isabel Sanchis blazer top with flared pants and ballet flats, sits cross-legged in a green bean-bag chair with a pile of papers and magazines; she reads The Atlantic and flags sections with little Post-It notes. Sitting at WEISS’ walnut desk and staring into space is JORDAN PETERSON, dressed as The Riddler. On the back wall is a large video screen, now black, and under that a large metal chute, out of which, after a series of thuds from above, a large number of dollar bills spews and falls to the floor as WEISS and PETERSON watch. A bell rings. A LATINA MAID, dressed in a light blue jumpsuit with apron and latex gloves, enters carrying a large basket; she gathers up the dollars like fallen leaves, puts them in the basket, and exits with it.]

PETERSON: Why don’t you just send the donations straight to the vault?

WEISS: Because I like to see them! It just feels so validating! Hey, did you see the Wall Street Journal? Harlan Crow, Peter Theil, Jeff Yass — it’s all on the record now! They have to take us seriously.

[WEISS holds it up.]

PETERSON: [blandly] Oh yes. Didn’t see my name in it anywhere.

WEISS: You know the drill, Jordan. First the mission, then the money. We’re establishing legitimacy.   

PETERSON: [Hotly] And what’s not legitimate about me? I’ve more pedagogic experience than your entire faculty.

WEISS: Of course you do. But right just at the moment you’re better known as a… commentator.

PETERSON: You mean a clown.

WEISS: Not at all!

PETERSON: I’m a distinguished public intellectual!

WEISS: Yes but, Jordan, look how you’re dressed!

[PETERSON involuntarily puts his hands to his chest.]

PETERSON: [Theatrically] They mocked Diogenes for his mode of dress as well.

WEISS: Also, aren’t you doing that anti-woke cruise with Rob Schneider?

PETERSON: [Rising to his feet, gesticulating] You have to reach the people where they live and recreate! In the streets, on the podcasts, on the Royal Caribbean cruises! We can’t all have billionaire donors!

WEISS: Jordan!  You’re ranging out of control. Have a meat stick! That always helps.

[PETERSON pulls a large beef jerky out of a jacket pocket, quickly peels it, bites off a large piece, and sits. LARRY SUMMERS walks in.]

WEISS: Dammit, Larry, knock! What’s wrong with you!

SUMMERS: At Harvard nothing was off-limits to me. I had keys to every office, every dormitory! This fetish for privacy is exactly what’s wrong with liberal readings of the constitution —

PETERSON: [Through a mouthful of beef jerky] Oh please.

WEISS: Alright, what is it? I’m busy.

SUMMERS: [Pulling a thumb drive out of his pocket] Our friend in the campaign got Trump to record that promo we were talking about.

WEISS: [Without enthusiasm] Oh, OK.

PETERSON: How much?

WEISS: [Turning to PETERSON] It’s not your money!

SUMMERS: Well, I thought you’d be a little more appreciative.

WEISS: Of course we are, Larry. We can’t wait to hear it.

SUMMERS: Well, you’re in luck, because you can see and hear it — it’s a video. I have it right here on this thumb drive.

WEISS: A thumb drive?

SUMMERS: I had to pick it up from a guy in a bus station. Long story, but it’s here. Where do I plug it in?

WEISS: [Getting to her feet] I’ll do it.

[WEISS takes the drive, plugs it into a box on her desk, clicks, come around front to watch. The TV shows TRUMP in his car-salesman mode of presentation in front of a bookcase, apparently in a law office. PETERSON, having finished his meat stick, starts working on another.]

TRUMP: This is President Donald J. Trump and to all you parents out there, I have a message. You wanna send your kid to college, but you see the crazy mess they have at the colleges these days, with the Gaza and protesting and the, the not bathing and the long hair and the trans, disgusting, plus they burn the schools down, it’s true, Columbia, totally burned down, no more Columbia. And you think, why should I spend five, ten million for this crap? But you want the kid to go to school. So what do you do? You can send ‘em to Bible college, which, sure, that’s great, but let me tell you, not everybody can be a preacher, it’s a good way to make a living, I won’t knock it. But maybe your kid, and they’re good kids, but maybe they don’t want to talk about God all day, well, let me tell you, now you have a choice. You can send them to —

[TRUMP is clearly reading this off a cue-card.]

The University of Austin, Texas, America. First it’s a good sign that you see America is right in the name, and that’s what they teach, American values, not communism, not democratic what-do-ya-callit, also communism frankly. It’s like what you remember from when you went to high school, except smarter because it’s college. And what a college it is, they got sports. Extra curriculum. They got jacuzzis, the works. So send your kids to University Austin Texas America, and tell ‘em President Trump sent you and we’re gonna make college great again.

[Screen goes to black. Pause.]

WEISS: OK, so that’s not the name, first of all.

SUMMERS: Well, we should consider making it the name.

WEISS: What?

SUMMERS: Because our friend tells me Trump would appreciate it if we did.

WEISS: You’re kidding. Well, so what?

SUMMERS: Well, he would show his appreciation.

WEISS: With what? He doesn’t have any money.

SUMMERS: Our friend says when he wins he’ll get Betsy DeVos to take care of it.

WEISS: Oh. [Small pause.] Well, can we wait until after the election and see whether he can do it?

SUMMERS: [Shrugs] Why not. Meantime, also look into hiring an athletic director and a football coach.

WEISS: Are you serious?

SUMMERS: If he wins we get a stadium.

WEISS: [To PETERSON] Jordan, what do you —

[WEISS and SUMMERS realize for the first time that PETERSON’s head is on the desk.]

Uh oh, meat coma!

[WEISS runs to the desk, hits a button; her voice goes on loudspeaker down the hall.]

Paging Dr. Fox! Report to the founder’s office! Dr. Fox to the founder’s office!

[She turns off the speaker.]

SUMMERS: One other thing: He wants us to call the team the University of Austin Texas America Redskins.

[The chute spews a blizzard of dollar bills.]