The spoiler

How can he fail?

V/O: Tonight on Received Opinions: Richie Rich gets in the race, and is attacked not only from the right but also from the left.

HOST JOHN CARRYWATER: Good evening from Washington! Move over, Donald Trump, there’s another billionaire in the 2020 race — or to hear new candidate Richie Rich tell it, the only real one! The dashing young financier announced his candidacy via hologram today, and took a strong jab at the Donald:

FOOTAGE OF HOLOGRAM OF RICHIE RICH: “The time has come for someone to take a solid-gold bowling ball, roll it up Pennsylvania Avenue, and knock Donald Trump out of the White House! Though I’m too young to play poker, I’m throwing $10 billion in the kitty — and I think the fake billionaire is going to have to fold!”

CARRYWATER: As a ten-year-old Rich was technically too young to be president until this afternoon, when an emergency session of Congress brought Senators and Representatives carrying sacks with giant dollar signs on them back into session to lower the age of presidential eligibility to eight with a veto-proof majority.

Trump’s not the only one gunning for Rich; members of the far-left Bernie bro Democratic constituency are saying that some of Rich’s statements disqualify him from office. This radical fringe maintain those statements are racist and anti-poor, and some of them are pretty far out there. Let’s look:

FOOTAGE OF EIGHT-YEAR-OLD RICH: “Michael Jordan and Oprah Winfrey are great — they come over and swim in my money-pool with my dog Dollar, yay! But most black people are just too poor to come over — and frankly they’re not good swimmers. They’re not good with money, either, and that’s why they shouldn’t have mortgages!” “I think it would be neat if all poor people were like my butler and confidant Cadbury — loyal, enterprising, and willing to work without benefits and health insurance!"

CARRYWATER: It was a different time. But Rich has issued a statement saying that he was wrong to make those comments and that people should understand he was only a little boy when he made them. Democratic National Committee Chairman Tom Perez seems convinced; seen here carrying a sack with a large dollar sign on it, Perez says the Democratic Party is a big tent and he is satisfied by Rich’s apology. Perez also announced that Rich will enter the race with 317 “couch cushion” delegates due to an arcane DNC rule. With us now is Sarabeth Chang-Moskowitz of Jacobin magazine. Sarabeth, why don’t you accept the word of this sincere-looking and highly popular little boy who is the Democratic Party’s only real hope to defeat Trump and who is giving so many people sacks with giant dollar bills on them?

SARABETH CHANG-MOSKOWITZ: Well first of all I don’t care about the Democratic Party because I’m an anarcho-socio-pescatarian, and second, where do you get off even talking about this when you yourself are sitting on a sack with a giant dollar sign on it?

CARRYWATER: Well, let me tell you, missy, this is exactly the kind of incivility that’s driving people into the arms of Trump! And if you were more realistic and pragmatic you might get a sack with a giant dollar bill on it yourself!

SARABETH CHANG-MOSKOWITZ: Do you even know what Rich’s policies on race relations and health care are?

CARRYWATER: Sure I do! They’re progressive but moderate and have widespread appeal. It’s the Joe Biden lane without the baggage and the Klobuchar lane without being a woman.

SARABETH CHANG-MOSKOWITZ: He’s ten years old!

CARRYWATER: [Straight into the camera] Well — nobody's perfect!

[“Boi-oi-oi-oing” noise.]