The Washington Post welcomes its new conservative columnist
Hiram P. Galligash, it’s your turn to shine
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the Birkenstock is on the other foot, libtards.
For years all you lefties who read the Washington Post laughed at people like me as you drank your mimosas and ate your bagels with a (((schmear))) after you finally rolled out of bed long after hard working white people like me already filled the corn crib and milked Bessie. Then you read all the commie columnists talk about defunding the police and black lives matters and save the whales and boycott grapes. Then you went back to bed and had gay sex. You were safe in your liberal bubble and you liked it that way.
Well look out libs because there’s a new sheriff in town: Hiram P. Galligash, Punkin County (S.C.) Tax Assessor. Dave Shipley done liked what I wrote for the New York Slimes back in 2020 and on cardboard signs I put on the roof of my shed and what I yelled at the statehouse when Biden stole the election and he told me to come on down and give some “diversity” to this here liberal paper.
Oh, sure there are some other writers on here who are supposed to be conservatives, like that Ramesh Ponnuru and that Jim Geraghty they just hired. But the both of them is just a couple sissy RINOs from the National Review where they make fun of Still-President Trump and sent back all the columns I mailed them and said I should “learn spelling and punctuation.” Well, here I am at the Washington Post where they do my spelling and punctuation for me so they can kiss my ass.
One of them National Review boys, the colored one, even said in his very first Washington Post column that the debt ceiling they’re all voting on in Congress is not the Democrats’ fault. Never mind that everybody knows the Democrats is Tax and Spend, Tax and Spend all the way, even my pappy knows that and he can’t tell time.
No, this feller said it’s the Republicans’ fault too! And he wasn’t talking about RINOs like himself, he was talking about the new Republicans who got their minds right under Trump. “Nobody has a plan to bring the deficit to zero immediately,” this feller said, “and no such plan would be plausible.” Like hell it ain’t! Marge Greene and Matt Gaetz and them other good Americans who run things now know just what to do — stop giving money to Mexicans and Antifa and Black Lives Matter and transgenders and Ukrainians, in fact tax them and leave millionaires and billionaires like Elon Musk in peace to give us self-driving cars like George Jetson had and we would have had years ago if it wasn’t for Ralph Nader.
As for that Megan McArdle who’s supposed to be conservative, when I met her I give her a big squeeze friendly-like and she up and run to Human Resources to complain. I don’t know how them Irish Catholics got so many children if that’s how uptight they are about a man’s hands on them.
I understand there’s about four or five other conservatives so-called here but I skimmed the columns they showed me from them and they didn’t have a word about how the Deep State is teaching our kids to be transgender and making us all wear masks and take needles or we can’t get good jobs, so I don’t know what they think a conservative is.
Same goes for that New York Slimes where I wrote my thing that started it all. When I come there to get my check they introduced me to all these fellers in suits who was supposed to be conservatives but they looked and acted like the bad guys in Hallmark Christmas movies and talked about earned interest credits and whatnot and got all squirrely when I asked them what’s worse in the eyes of God, a man having sex with a man or with a goat. There was one, Donut I think his name was, he said he didn’t agree with my theology but I started throwing Bible verses at him lickety-split and it turned out he couldn’t quote scripture no better than a mule can write his name.
Well I been talking a while and since I still got my old job I got to mosey on over to Seth’s car lot and see if he ain’t got a clunker laying around he wants to trade in for an abatement. But don’t you relax none because Mr. Shipley says I’m just the beginning and soon the place is going to be full of columnists who make Ponnuru and Geraghty look like William Safire, whoever he is. So you go on and take your dirty subways to your so-called jobs and have affairs with your gay secretaries and when you get back I’ll be here to tell you what a bunch of traitors and perverts you are, and you’ll keep on paying for it because that’s what this journalism business is all about.
My god, Roy, another treasure. It's hard to pick my favorite part because so much of it is pure gold, but I think it's a toss-up between "(((schmear)))" and the NRO boys looking "like the bad guys in Hallmark Christmas movies."
I guess we should have known the days when a Kevin Williamson could get un-hired from the Atlantic for being a raving loon were now far behind us. It looks like David French was only the first domino to tip over in the quest for the Great God of Both-siderism.
Nicely done ! I hate ol' Hiram and he's not even real!
At least he's honest. I would rather have this asshole bark at me the usual race bait nonsense than have David Brooks try and Tut me to death with his snooty bullshit.