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Make me an offer
washington, DC > district of columbia > for sale > antiques
EVERYTHING MUST GO! This is the CLASSIEST antique sale in the history of all time. This sale is the height of class and breeding and sophistication. Items worth a fortune and fit for a king but will take best offer. You snooze you lose!
VERY FAMOUS PICTURE OF GEORGE WASHINGTON. This is the picture everyone thinks of when they think George Washington. You probably saw it when you were a kid but those were just copies — this is the real thing. So realistic you can practically tell he had wooden teeth! Everybody says it looks just like the famous first President also known as “the first Trump.” Could that guy cut a Deal! Very old but clean, no dust or cigarette burns. Would look good in a boardroom or a bedroom — either way it says you’re a “power player”! $7 million O.B.O.
THE MONROE PLATEAU. Monroe was not one of the major Presidents but he sure knew how to entertain and this is the classiest plate holder thing or what elite Washington calls a “plateau” you’ve ever seen in your life. Solid gold with little statues and candlestick holders for when you want an extra luxurious dinner or snack experience. The bottom is a mirror so if you don’t like to entertain or have a big enough table for it you can hang it sideways on the wall — classy either way! $200,000 O.B.O.
SEYMOUR TALL CASE CLOCK. Everyone knows grandfather clocks are the height of class and sophistication — you ever see a grandfather clock in some schnook’s place, or in a housing project? And this is the classiest, made by John and Thomas Seymour, who were famous in their time like Ernest and Julio Gallo are today for their elegant craftsmanship. Solid mahogany and it keeps good time too. We had a hell of a time getting this one out the door so bring a big truck or van. $350,000 O.B.O.
WHITE HOUSE DINNER PLATES. Whether you’re eating haute cuisine or takeout from Popeye’s, every night is a “state dinner” when you’re eating off the fancy Lenox china which is incidentally the best that was ever made anywhere, with classy gold pictures of the White House and a gold border like nothing you’ve even seen in your life. Machine washable. Set of 12 $4,000 O.B.O.
FRONT OF THE FAMOUS RESOLUTE DESK FROM THE OVAL OFFICE. We had to get this stuff out in a hurry so we couldn’t take the whole desk out but to be honest this thing weighed a ton, literally, and anyway it’s old and the drawers are sticky, really more of a showpiece than a working desk. In fact, the important part of the desk, really the only important part that anyone would want, is the exquisite carving from the front that shows our national bird the Eagle holding the arrows, which symbolize our national strength, and the tree branch, symbolizing our beautiful trees. So our expert carpenters, with the utmost delicacy and skill and craftsmanship, sawed that part off from the rest of it. Now you can take this piece of history, because it’s very, very historic, and hot-glue it to your own desk, or your wall, or your garage, or to the back of your pick-up. The ultimate in class! $10 million O.B.O.
Also various SILVERWARE, GLASSWARE, LAMPS, RUGS, BUSTS, STATUETTES, and BRIC A BRAC. Make an offer! EVERYTHING MUST BE SOLD BY JAN. 20 SO ACT NOW.
do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers.
Back in 2017 or so, Trump ordered all of the art in the US embassy in Paris to be removed and shipped back to Washington. None of those works have ever been accounted for since then.
So, yeah--I would not be even slightly surprised to learn that Donald Trump is literally stripping the White House of everything that's not nailed down--and hiring men to pry loose as much of what is nailed down as possible. Because that's just the kind of petty thievery he would indulge in.
And, honestly, it would be fucking hilarious if Trump managed to avoid all the legal trouble he's in, only to end up being tossed in the pokey for GTA (Grand Theft, Americana).
The dinner plates are tempting, especially since they're machine washable. But I think I'll wait for Don Jr. to do some questionable side business:
Item #224: The State of Louisiana. Jefferson got this from the French as part of a larger purchase. Dad found the papers for the sale in the Resolute Desk with original receipts signed by Napolean himself. Our lawyers will transfer it all into into YOUR name for a fraction of what Jefferson paid. Some slight water damage, but you get a lot of authenticity for the money, and the beauty part is this parcel is no longer encumbered by the original tenants. What a STEAL!