Informed commentary on the crisis
DOUG McKENZIE: [Hoots] Kuuu ru ku ku ku ku kuku! Kuuu ru ku ku ku ku kuku!
BOB McKENZIE: Good day, I’m Bob McKenzie, and this is my brother Doug —
DOUG McKENZIE: How’s it goin’, eh?
BOB McKENZIE: And welcome to the Great White North, eh. OK, today’s topic is the Freedom Convoy.
DOUG McKENZIE: Yeah, like, see, a convoy is a whole load of trucks all running together, like in that movie with Kris Kristofferson, you ever see that? Oh, it was beauty, eh, with loads of action and smashing through toll gates and fistfights and Ali McGraw.
BOB McKENZIE: Hold on, Doug, I remember the movie OK, but I don’t remember the Freedom Convoy running down the highway or smashing toll gates. Most of them are just, like, parking, in Ottawa and on the Ambassador Bridge.
DOUG McKENZIE: Yeah, that’s what makes it a Freedom Convoy, see, ‘cause like instead of a regular convoy, you don’t have to like drive, you just park the truck and go get some beers and come back and hang out. And when you have to whiz you just go over to some guy’s lawn, right, and then you go back in the truck and like finish getting faced. Which is way better than a regular convoy ‘cause like they can’t get you for a DUI if you’re not moving, eh.
BOB McKENZIE: So it’s more like a Parking Convoy, eh.
DOUG McKENZIE: Yeah, except Parking Convoy sounds stupid. Freedom Convoy sounds like something really classy, eh, like the Freedom — Freedom —
BOB McKENZIE: Freedom Riders?
DOUG McKENZIE: I don’t know what that is.
BOB McKENZIE: Like in the States way back when, there were these black people, right, trying to get their rights.
DOUG McKENZIE: OK definitely not like that, eh.
BOB McKENZIE: That’s another thing, it’s the Freedom Convoy because the truckers don’t want to have to get vaccinated, right, even though most of them already are, but the ones that aren’t vaccinated say no, eh, ‘cause they think it’ll fill ‘em up with 5G. That’s like what they put on your smart phone, but it’s not good for like putting in people.
DOUG McKENZIE: Smart phone, that’s a laugh. You probably have a stupid phone, eh.
BOB McKENZIE: Take off, eh, you don’t even have a phone.
DOUG McKENZIE: Yes I do, look here, eh, I have my special Molson phone. It’s my own invention, look. [Holds a beer up to his ear.] Hello, how’s it goin’ eh, can you send over a couple cases of Brador, OK thank you. [Puts down beer phone] ‘Cause when your Molson phone’s empty you gotta like recharge, eh.
BOB McKENZIE: You hosehead, they don’t even make Brador anymore. They stopped years ago.
DOUG McKENZIE: Don’t remind me, eh. That was a sad day in the Great White North.
BOB McKENZIE: Oh yeah.
DOUG McKENZIE: Like you go into a store now and most of the beers, you don’t even know what they are.
BOB McKENZIE: That’s right.
DOUG McKENZIE: Like you go to the LCBO and they have pumpkin ale and lagered ale and Frenchie beer —
BOB McKENZIE: Yeah, like Fin du Monde, that’s like beer you pour out in the yard and then you change your mind and decide you really want it so you like suck it back up out of the dirt.
DOUG McKENZIE: Yeah, and that’s what it looks like, too.
BOB McKENZIE: Yeah, and how about when they got rid of Red Cap, and then they brought it back but it wasn’t the same?
DOUG McKENZIE: Oh, yeah. Like I bet they put that 5G in it. You know what, we should have a Bring Back Brador Convoy.
BOB McKENZIE: Oh, yeah, what are we gonna drive in it, genius?
DOUG McKENZIE: Maybe we can get Mom to drive us.
BOB McKENZIE: OK, that’s all we have time for so good day, eh.
DOUG McKENZIE: Good day. [As the credits roll] Maybe I can get my girlfriend to lend us her car.
BOB McKENZIE: Take off, you don’t have a girlfriend.
DOUG McKENZIE: Yes I do, but you don’t know her ‘cause she lives in Canada.
BOB McKENZIE: Oh, that’s like a joke, eh. Good one! [Pause] You still don’t have a girlfriend, though.