Trump Hunt

Looking for POTUS in Gulchville, Kentucky

[The Winter White House in Gulchville, Kentucky, as seen in “Trump Among The Base” and “Return to the Winter White House.” Much of the original furnishings have been replaced — in place of one grand settee, for example, there’s a car seat on two milk crates. Other end tables, chairs, sofas etc. look like they came from a motel. Senate Majority Leader MITCH McCONNELL, wearing what looks an Edwardian motoring outfit with a long duster, boots, and a peaked cap with googles, is talking to MAISIE BELLE, the chief cook and bottle washer, who wears an apron over a flour-sack dress and chews a corncob pipe, and her young’un BENZEDRINE, who wears a bikini top, a short black skirt and clodhoppers, and sucks on a popsicle.]

McCONNELL: [Agitated] But this is very important, Maisie Belle! The President has to sign this bill!

MAISIE BELLE: Mebbe, Mr. Senate Majority Leader, but I tell you, I ain’t seen him 'round these parts since November. [To BENZEDRINE] Benzedrine, honey, you ain’t seen the President, has you? [BENZEDRINE shakes her head. To McCONNELL] If he did come ‘round here she’d-a seen him for sure. He likes the way she sucks his cock. [Smacks McCONNELL’s shoulders; in a confidential tone] An’ that ain’t a euphemism, neither!

BENZEDRINE: No I ain’t seen him, an’ I don’t care if I do neither. I got me a beau.

McCONNELL: But —

MAISIE BELLE: [To BENZEDRINE] Beau! You mean Wally down t’ fillin’ station? That boy ain’t got a lick o’ sense. [To McCONNELL] Burnt his hand real bad tryin’ ta light a cigarette after he dropped the pack in a can o’ gas. I don’t think that boy can tell time!

[McCONNELL wanders the place looking for the President.]

BENZEDRINE: I don’t care none what you say, he a good man. He can skin a mushrat in two minutes an’ when he makes love to me he give me the hollerin’ fits.

MAISIE BELLE: [Disgusted] “Makes love,” now where you learn that kind o’ talk? One o’ them fancy magazines the Preznit give ya what smells like perfume! You think Wally’s gonna give you fancy magazines? He wouldn’t know what to bring you, prolly get one o’ them naked calendars from his ol’ man’s tinker shed an’ douse it in Lysol.

[Suddenly DONALD TRUMP JR., dressed like an expensive version of L’il Abner, comes in pursued by McCONNELL.]

McCONNELL: But you must have some idea where your father is!

JUNIOR: Why won’t anyone believe me? I’m not at his beck and call! I’m my own man. I just came down here to get away from the germs! So don’t you come any closer! Maisie Belle, when he leaves you spray the place good.

MAISIE BELL: With what?

JUNIOR: Well, in the kitchen you have that can with the long tube and a pump handle.

MAISIE BELL: That’s m’ bug spray.

JUNIOR: Well, germs are just little tiny bugs! [To McCONNELL] Sorry, Mitch, I’d like to help but he isn’t here. [To BENZEDRINE, cheerfully] Hello there, Benzie! You look make-America-great today.

BENZEDRINE: [Blandly] You look like you been sleepin’ in a log. [To McCONNELL in a stage whisper] Smells like it, too.

JUNIOR: Wait’ll you get to know me, Benzie. I’m not like the other guys around here. I’m a big businessman, I do big deals all the time. See this?

[He takes a tiny pair of scissors out of his pocket.]

This is a cigar scissors. See, I don’t just bite off the end of a cigar like some schmuck. Solid gold! [Puts the scissors away] Tell you something else, I don’t use an iron to get the wrinkles out of my shirts, either. I —

[Suddenly everyone notices President DONALD TRUMP walking into the room.]

MITCH McCONNELL: Mr. President! They said you weren’t here!

MAISIE BELLE: Mr. Senate Majority Leader, I didn’t know!

TRUMP: That’s right, they didn't know. I got the basement all fitted out, I come and go as I please, very nice, a little cramped but nobody notices me. Also I got the latest HEPA filters. I’m not catching that corona thing.

MITCH McCONNELL: But Mr. President, you — [Looks around, comes closer to TRUMP, whispers] They told me you already had it.

TRUMP: So? There was this lady got it twice. I’m not taking any chances.

MITCH McCONNELL: Mr. President, we need you. The bill’s all ready to sign.

TRUMP: Got breaks for my hotels?

McCONNELL: Oh yes.

TRUMP: Airlines?

McCONNELL: Them too!

TRUMP: How about Boeing?

McCONNELL: All taken care of.

TRUMP: OK, we’ll leave in about a half an hour. Mitch, you grab yourself some lunch, Maisie Belle will set you up.

[TRUMP goes to BENZEDRINE, takes her hand, looks JUNIOR dead in the eye.]

Come with me, honey. I got something better than a popsicle for you.

BENZEDRINE: Okey doke.

[They leave. JUNIOR sits dejectedly on a sofa, immediately screams, jumps up, pulls the cigar scissors out of his pocket and throws them across the room.]

MAISIE BELLE: [To McCONNELL] Well, Mr. Senate Majority Leader — how do you like your possum?

[Flatt & Scruggs sting plays, and CURTAIN.]