Tryouts

If ya wanna bump it, bump it in a scum pit

[Something like a conference room, but with more sinister lighting —long, narrow beams punctuating the darkness, and a soft pool of light in front of a white screen that takes up one end of the room. In place of a conference table, a few Aeron chairs — in one of which sits Senator TIM SCOTT, in a dark blue suit with an eggshell shirt and green tie — and a Barcalounger, in which is seated STEVE BANNON, dressed as usual like a prep school student gone to seed.]

SCOTT: No, I’m afraid I don’t see it, Steve.

BANNON: Let me tell you something, Senator. You’re right. Likability. Some have it, some don’t. You got more than most. Good. Nobody doesn’t like Tim Scott. But. Being likable is like having a good wind-up. Eventually you have to throw the ball.

SCOTT: OK.

BANNON: See it from his angle. This is Round Two. Round One, he needed Pence. Mushy guy, midwestern, loves Jesus. Because he needed that, he needed the moderates.

SCOTT: Yeah, he still needs them.

BANNON: [Shakes his head] No moderates are voting for Donald Trump. They might not vote for Biden. They might vote for Joe Lieberman or whatever puke No Labels throws up. But they won’t vote for Trump. He’s not putting you on the ticket to get their votes.

[Small pause.]

SCOTT: Then why put me on the ticket? What do I bring?

BANNON: You’re black.

[Small pause.]

SCOTT: That’s it?

BANNON: No. But let’s not kid ourselves. His people would love to have a black man on the ticket.  

SCOTT: To show they’re not racist.

BANNON: To show that racism’s a joke.

[Small pause. BANNON shrugs.]

Or, sure, to show they’re not racist.

SCOTT: I didn’t get into this race to be a token.

BANNON: You got into this race to win.

SCOTT: Yes!

BANNON: OK. Here’s your chance. Because those are the terms.

[Small pause.]

SCOTT: OK.

BANNON: OK, one thing though.

[BANNON hits a clicker. The beaming face of VIVEK RAMASWAMY appears on the screen.]

What do you think of him?

SCOTT: Between you and me? He’s nuts.

BANNON: Maybe. Trump likes him, though. Because he’s wild and he’s vicious. He’s saying just what our people like to hear. And he knows it’s got nothing to do with being likable.

SCOTT: So you’re saying Trump would put him on the ticket?

BANNON: [Clicks off the RAMASWAMY image, shakes his head]  He’s too much. Two weeks in they’d find him at a coke orgy, and he’ll be screaming about how cocaine make American great while Trump tells America how he never trusted him. No, he wants someone like you, maybe exactly like you. But you gotta toughen up.

SCOTT: Did you see the debate?

BANNON: [Smiling slightly, looking at his nails] Yes, I saw the debate.

SCOTT: I stood up for parents, and for life.

BANNON: That’s not what I mean by tough. I mean you have to attack.

[On “attack” BANNON shakes a first so forcefully SCOTT unconsciously draws back.]

You see him on CNN? Dana Bash brought up the guy who went hunting black people with a swastika gun to him on CNN and he attacked colleges and the media and affirmative action.  Could you do that?

[A longer pause.]

I’m not kidding, Senator. Let’s say somebody like that shoots Obama. Or Kamala Harris. What are you going to say to people?

SCOTT: Well, that it’s terrible, of course —

BANNON: That’s enough of that. Now, what are you going to say that’ll make our people stand up and yell, “This is the man I want on the ticket”?

SCOTT: I –

BANNON: Stand up, Senator.

[SCOTT stands. BANNON uses the clicker; the screen fills with what looks like an entirely white audience, life-size and mostly elderly, at an event.]

OK. That’s your audience. They’re MAGA to the bone. Most of them are glad the guy shot that son of a bitch, or that bitch, whichever. But they’re like you, they want people to like them, so they’re not going to say out loud they’re glad it happened. But if you go on and on about how terrible it is, they’ll just tune out. They might walk out. So. What are you going to say?

[Small pause. SCOTT faces the screen. The faces on the screen seem to turn to his.]

Go on. They’re waiting.

[SCOTT takes a breath and adopts his usual speechifying stance and tone.]

As I said, this is a tragedy – not just for the Vice-President’s family, but for all of us. But there’s another tragedy behind this one – the tragedy that befalls a nation when it turns away from God and turns toward the darkness of urban crime.

[The white people are alert; several of them nod.]

We see it all the time, in our cities, which are dying, on TV and in the music that lures and corrupts our young people. It is this tidal wave of anger and entitlement and ingratitude, and, yes, disobedience of one’s elders, that leads not only to this senseless death, but to crime in our streets, men in the ladies’ room, and the murder of the unborn!

[The white people applaud and cheer. We see BANNON taking notes. SCOTT takes out a handkerchief and mops his head.]