387 Comments
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!”

Expand full comment
May 31·edited May 31

A thing of beauty and joy.

Expand full comment

Can I get this as a ringtone?

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

I love that it took only ten hours to render the verdict (a slam dunk in sports vernacular, if you will). I loved DeNiro giving it to the measly crowd of supporters. And it hasn't evaded me that the New Yorker artist put the tiny hands front and center, because orange shitgibbon will likely escape any meaningful penalty (read: incarceration), unless he threatens the jurors verbally before July 11th... plenty of time to hang himself. Fate could deliver the ultimate smackdown (ooh look at me with the sports jargon today) if he just pops his hamberder-clogged clogs 4 days before the RNC from stress. We live in hope!

Thanks for another great read Roy.

Expand full comment

Yup on that last. I am unconvinced that neither one or the other of the 2 major candidates will survive to Nov 6th. Not suggesting malicious acts, just thinking actuarily...

Expand full comment

Just reread that ^^^ and damn if I know what I meant…

Expand full comment

Anybody's chances of making 81 are pretty good, provided they've already made it to 80. I may use this the next time I have to teach conditional probability.

Expand full comment

People can decline fast, but one person's 60 is another person's 80.

Expand full comment

They told me two years ago that seventy is the new fifty. That’s as may be, but I have a feeling that eighty, should I make it that far, is going to bear more than a passing resemblance to the old eighty.

Expand full comment

"conditional probability"! In How to Raise a Jewish Dog, we talked about "conditional unconditional love." Same thing?

Expand full comment

Probably?

Expand full comment

2 marks-ish?

Expand full comment

It depends on how a Jewish dog Bayes

Expand full comment

OK Ian.

Expand full comment

Change "neither one" to "either one." Does that help?

Believe me, sir, to be

Yours as ever,

Mister Picky

Expand full comment

He says neither, you say either, let's call the whole thing off.

Expand full comment

Sad thing is I can't fall back on the 'pre-caffeinated' sca–...uh, that is, perfectly valid reason...yeah, that's it...

Expand full comment

Threaten the jurors? How could you think such a restrained, responsible, mature man who obviously thinks before he speaks would DO such a thing? 🤪

Expand full comment

Now he's got the sentencing hanging over him, at least for the next month. That's a big stick the judge didn't have before. I imagine he will make some effort to behave until July 12.

Expand full comment

“Assumes impulse control not in evidence.”

Expand full comment

God, no. Hope his behavior gets ever worse to alienate yet more swing voters and to get out the D vote to put an end to him once and for all.

Expand full comment

Doesn't remorse count in sentencing?

Expand full comment

If'n I'd been on that jury, I hoping I woulda had the presence of mind to file past the dude reeeeaaalll slow, and stared him in the eyes, unblinking...

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

FINALLY! I’m thrilled just to see a truly repugnant individual who has fucked over everyone for years and operated with complete impunity finally get his just desserts. New York made him, New York brought him down. I don’t think it will have a *large* impact on November, because people who are still supporting Trump in 2024 would not care if he literally did shoot someone on 5th Avenue. But it may matter on the margins, since there are low information, not terribly bright people who have memory-holed his Administration and are on the fence. Since this will be a very close election, that could be significant. Let’s hope Biden and the Democrats have the wit to capitalize on it.

And LOL Tim Pool. He’s like a Sad Fascist version of what Larry David calls the Baseball Cap Guy, the bald guy who always wears a hat indoors because he thinks it fools women he still has hair.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Watched a bit of Fox News yesterday, and they were appalled that the Biden campaign had the nerve to point out that Trump was convicted. How unseemly to note that fact! Only the lowest of the low would even mention such a thing, which shows how low Biden has sunk.

Meanwhile, Jeanine Pirro was flipping between "this will be tossed out on appeal because reasons" and "it's time for Republicans to start killing everyone else!" Nice folks over there at Fox.

Expand full comment

"... they were appalled that the Biden campaign had the nerve to point out that Trump was convicted."

This, from the people who can't stop talking about the Biden Crime Family, whose language doesn't even have a word for "alleged"

Expand full comment

--and who couldn't stop chanting "Lock her up!"

Expand full comment

They can dish it out but can't take it? Fancy that!

Expand full comment

"Desperate-failing-Fentanyl-Inflation-border-crisis Biden just trying to distract from his failing-desperate-inflation-Fentanyl-border-crisis failures, desperately."

Expand full comment

Desperate-failing-Fentanyl-Inflation-border-crisis Biden

Not nearly as good of a name as Bloody Stupid Johnson, or

Visit-the-infidel-with-explanatory-pamphlets, or

Smite-the unbeliever-with-cunning-arguments

Expand full comment

"Bloody Stupid Johnson is right!"

Expand full comment

I'm kinda concerned so many very visible wingnuts are going straight to "KILL KILL KILL". I have very bad vibes for the next month.

Expand full comment

Yep. If the facts are on your side, pound the facts. If the law is on your side, pound the law. Is neither is on your side, threaten violence.

Expand full comment

Pound the liberal, in other words.

Expand full comment

Tucker Carlson: “Anyone who defends this verdict is a danger to you and your family.” So these libtards are threatening my family, hey? Well by God, I’m not going to wait around for them to act on those threats…

Yeah, I’m thinking there will be blood. The Volk are being goaded to violence.

Expand full comment

But fortunately most of these folks are weak and cowardly. They lack skill at coordinating and cooperating. Any illegal acts will only cause more folks to sober up and realize, My God! These people are out of their minds!

Expand full comment

It's a permission slip. Even mass-murderers like to believe they're acting in self-defense. Expect that exact phrase to show up in the manifesto of the next mass shooter.

Expand full comment

What am I going to do? My family IS the threat!

Expand full comment

Yep, it's certainly nice to see the guy *finally* held to account for his lifelong criming. It's about damn time!

Also, regarding your Dim Phool comment, one of my stylist friends told me long ago: "We've all seen it a hundred times. A guy will start wearing hats all the time, then one day he shows up with his head shaved, claiming 'it's comfortable, and I look good like this.' Dude, we can still see your hairline, and how far north it is."

Expand full comment

So true. I can understand that most men don't savor going bald, but the psychology behind this pantomime is fascinating. Because it fools exactly no one.

Expand full comment

Exceptions allowed for those of us precancerous who forget (because of course) to remove our pathetic sun hats when we cross the threshold.

Expand full comment

Even a figure as powerful & sexy as Gaius Julius Caesar was mortified by his premature baldness, & supposedly only had himself sculpted wearing a laurel. His cognomen Caesar means “full of head of hair” was part of his clan name apparently — which implies the baldness went back a few generations.

Expand full comment

His cognomen was the baseball cap of his time, lol.

Expand full comment

Wait, a clan known for hereditary baldness had "full head of hair" as its clan name? So sarcasm was a Roman invention, then?

Seriously, what's the first recorded instance of sarcasm?

Expand full comment

Don't believe your lying oculi

Expand full comment

Now I'm wondering whether Bigus Dickus really was.

Expand full comment

Only Incontinentia Buttocks knows for sure

Expand full comment

Well, there’s Horace and Juvenal, for a start.

Expand full comment

The Beavis & Butthead of their era!

Expand full comment

Wow, I didn't know that. So all the Tsars and the Kaisers are actually kinda calling themselves "hairy?"

Expand full comment

Last time I go into a restaurant and order a Hairy Salad.

Expand full comment

Well, sur– wait, a what now?

Expand full comment

I'm sympathetic to the balding: it's bad enough when it's your husband, but when it affects your formerly gorgeous son it's truly painful. Coloring one's hair is the feminine corollary (and yes, ours also thins). While I would prefer to make peace with what is now my natural hair color, the fact is, gray hair is not attractive on former redheads, and the hair is now dye-resistant. I'm not trying to fool anyone, I'm just trying to look in the mirror and still see myself.

Expand full comment

I get it, and premature balding is a drag. I don't actually have any problem with either the hats or the shaved heads, just with their belief they are fooling anyone. I color my own hair and probably will continue to do so for years until I'm around 70. But I joke about my graying roots and my blonde highlights: "born blonde, and if I can afford it maybe I'll even die that way."

Expand full comment

My partner used to color her hair all the time, and, as she has very dark hair, she'd have to bleach it into oblivion to get the color to look the way she wanted. She didn't do that for a while, then one day she noticed a patch of greys. No panic, that's an opportunity. She knew of a coloring system that doesn't require bleaching (Pravana and a color conditioner (name forgotten)), so she got some of that and did a very nice orchid/purple combo that really shines where the greys are. It looks absolutely fantastic on her. You don't really notice it so much in low light, like indoors, but out in the sun - wow.

Expand full comment

I noticed mine was starting move back in my early 20's. "Is that doing what I think it is? Well, shit. Ehh, not much to be done about it (shrug)." Over the years I changed the way I styled it so it would look a bit better, but I never hid the fact I was going to the hair races. My partner and I were talking about this a few years ago and she said she thought my philosophical attitude about it was *way* better than pretending it was otherwise.

Expand full comment

One can see where the tanned skin meets untanned skin

Expand full comment

Not mine. There's pale-to-transparent, then immediately to broiled crustacean with no intermediate phase.

Expand full comment

My own hairline has retreated well over an inch in recent years, but fortunately its baseline was, in my youth, almost freakishly low. Couple of formerly shaggy friends from college are, by contrast, bald as eggs today. I’ll take MPB, should it arrive, over other items on offer there in the smorgasbord of decrepitude, although I’m told that the effects of aging aren’t necessarily offered cafeteria style.

Expand full comment

My hairline retreated to my back between about ages 25 and 30

Expand full comment

So, a rear-guard action then?

Expand full comment

Eventually

Expand full comment

Yeah, cafeterias have not aged well.

Expand full comment

The Rogaine Xhitter account even dunked on poor Timmy, one of their best customers.

Expand full comment

As a bald guy who wears hats, I have to say I was taught it was rude to wear them indoors so I do not do that

Expand full comment

One of the outstanding features of the 1941 film version of the Maltese Falcon is hat management. Once seen, impossible to ignore in every damn scene. And the way Bogie looks, seated in a chair, hat in hand, gazing up at someone and engaging in some snappy patter...

Gold.

Expand full comment

Compare with Jimmy Stewart's hat-management in front of that Miss Susan Paine in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

"I'm an innocent man. I'm the most innocent man ever! I'm more innocent than Jesus Christ!"

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Saw on Kimmel a long time troll waving a sign "Free Father Theresa". Guy's got guts, or he's crazy - made the local news pretending to be Donny J's biggest fan. He did the same shtick with the OJ trial.

Expand full comment

[rummaging around for that ancient "REPENT!" banner]

THIS'll convince 'em!

Expand full comment

Last Temptation of the Christ, Will This Moron Ever Stop Whining

Expand full comment

He actually called himself a “very innocent” man.

Expand full comment

Not only is he merely innocent, he's really most sincerely innocent!

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

At least some of these counts will still be in place when NY's top appellate court finishes up with this.

And of course this will have a negative effect come election time, even in the tsunami of shitty polls the exceptional mass news media force on people. Only question's how much. Likewise, I presume it'll even affect down ballot races albeit with the same caveat.

It's in fact a W with only the size and effects obviously unknown.

Meanwhile, I'm waiting for an appellate argument that Merchan (who did nothing wrong that I saw) rigged the case by allowing Trump to alienate the jury. Also waiting for Carroll III (Robbie Kaplan has a huge hard on for Trump).

Also waiting for an Edroso banger of a skit. 🤞🏻🙏🏻

But, again, my people came through and gave us a W.

Expand full comment

Every debate at every level down to Village Sanitation Executive will include the Democrat demanding the Republican say s/he supports a convicted felon for president.

Expand full comment

Oooh, I LIKE this Democratic Party that you're imagining.

Expand full comment

If only. Of course...

The DNC is opposed to contesting every race so obviously there won't be people trying to pin Republicans down on their weakness on crime position. (Of course, GOP Tough on Crime policies is based on economic status and skin color, but... well, that's not news.) Meanwhile, hoping someone tries and nails my congress-turd Mike Lawler on that (hope it's Sean Patrick Maloney victim Mondaire Jones doing that...)

That said, I'm presuming that the support for a convicted felon -- because my beloved NY Court of Appeals will not be tossing all those guilties, Trump will remain a New York State certified convicted felon will have some negative effects on the down ballot races. How much, of course, is to be seen. Still, undoubtedly some.

Expand full comment

"He's a criminal" seems like a line of argument clear and simple enough that even Democrats should be able to put it over.

He's a criminal and he promises at his rallies to pardon other criminals who beat up cops and just last week he promised to pardon a drug dealer who paid for the murder of one of his drug-dealing pals. Government of, by and for criminals.

If there are people who still don't get what's wrong with that, write 'em off and go find some non-voter who needs help getting registered.

Expand full comment

Too many Democrats are too chickenshit to say any such thing.

Again, not all contests are being contested.

And I think more effective would involve the word "convicted" because my beloved NY courts are not going to a complete reversal. However the appeals play out, he'll remain convicted. (And likewise the Carroll cases and the NY civil fraud case. None are going to be completely reversed. And I should add as a matter of pride that everything I've heard about the Bloomberg-appointee criminal judge is that he did everything properly. Of course, the core of all the appeals is that the trial judges should have done more to prevent the defendant from pissing off the juries but that of course, at least in NY, fails the classic law school laugh test.)

Expand full comment

I'm thinking of "criminal" in a larger sense. Yes, an actual criminal convicted of a crime, but his criminality is much greater than that: He talks and acts like a criminal, hangs with criminals, likes to talk about pardoning other criminals for their crimes. Sometimes, especially with low-info voters, you get farther with general impressions, pictures painted in broad strokes rather than a focus on specific facts.

Democrats, in general, believe too much in the power of facts, while Republicans often succeed with a kind of impressionism: "Biden is a failure" stated repeatedly, details deliberately left out to create an impression that this is just a thing that everybody knows to be true, no need any more for supporting evidence (handy for them, because they never have any supporting evidence.)

Expand full comment

Criminal is a mushy term. I’d like to think convict does a much better job getting the message through. A jury and the appellate courts will be making the subjective objective. In Sleepy Donny’s case, he’s been criminal his entire life without any problem.

Whatever, time will tell.

Expand full comment
May 31·edited May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

That's a classic New Yorker cover right there...

Reposting this from yesterday's opus, 'cause it needs spreading, like manure:

The NEW YORK STATE UNIFIED COURT SYSTEM* (https://www.nycourts.gov/) posts its court transcripts for the recently decided case under the heading

"People v Donald J. Trump (Criminal)"

Donald J. Trump (Criminal) is now his official title. Spread it around...DJT (Criminal) also works, and I would accept POTUS34.

*Apologies for the allcaps – that's just how New York State Gov rolls...

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

NEW YORK STATE UNIFIED COURT SYSTEM GODDAMMIT!

Expand full comment

UNIFIED court? Sounds collectivist to me!

Expand full comment

POTUS34 would be an insult to (checks Wikipedia) President Eisenhower.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

I’m relatively certain Ike won’t mind.

Expand full comment

Ike did sic Richard Nixon on us (along with his Wormtongue Roy Cohn), so maybe the comparison is more apt than I thought.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Upvoted for Wormtongue Roy Cohn, who, as we all know, was a major early influencer of the recently convicted felon.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

POTUS34 was Eisenhower. That's way to good for Donnie

Expand full comment

Yeah, but no one alive remembers that dude.

Expand full comment

Did you just call me a zombie? I am no Rod Argent!

Expand full comment

He's too young to remember too.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

My favorite part has just been the widespread freak out on the right over the verdict. If it didn’t matter they wouldn’t be jabbering like loons right now. That’s the tell. This is going to hurt and they know it.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Sincerely hope so!

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

I took a brief cruise through the rightwing fever swamps last night – staying in the boat and wearing protective gear – and from Rod Dreher over in Hungary to GOP House members in California, they are all beating the same drum: it was a political prosecution, nobody understands or can explain the charges, it will be overturned on appeal, it will help Trump in November. All of that is false, and textbook flop sweat. But if it is repeated constantly and loudly, people may start to believe it. Especially if the Dems don’t counter it with their own narrative of “Do you want a convicted felon in the White House?”

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

textbook flop sweat

I was unaware of flop sweat's standing in the research community, but will gladly market the term to whichever desperate garage band needs it most...

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

"Man, did you hear Orange Flop Sweat opening for Springsteen? Mar-A-Lago grunge is the future!"

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Miami Bleach!

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

There’s no amount of bleach will remove the two marks that just got ya.

Expand full comment

If bleach saw my skin it would say 'my work here is not needed".

Expand full comment

Turdvana

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Do *not* get out of the boat, man.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

The mango swamp is a-festering today.

Expand full comment

Festering Mangos is on my list too.

Expand full comment

They were great back in '02 before they hit it big and souled out

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

I get that MAGA can't or won't understand the charges, but not only did Trump keep insisting that HE didn't understand them, he and his flying monkeys claimed that nobody even TOLD him the charges. That the whole trial proceeded to closure without so much as a mention of charges. You don't need a lawyer to know that's impossible.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

And he wasn't allowed to testify even though he desperately wanted to!

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

And there were many, many potential witnesses that the prosecution didn't call, any of whom would have slam-dunked the defense's case. The defense that called two witnesses.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

I can't imagine how it must have hurt Robert Costello that, when the jury asked for transcripts of certain testimony, his wasn't included.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

"Did he say 'Jesus' or just 'Jeez'? Let's ask for the transcript!"

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Tubby’s whinge this morning is that it was all a simple accounting error by one of his employees. We’re a long way from “I never met that woman in my life.”

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Good point. His story (I think) is that Stormy was extorting Trump over a liaison that never happened, but they didn't report the extortion to the authorities. This, in spite of arguing that the (videotaped) Access Hollywood revelation was no big deal for the campaign; which, if true, suggests that a false Stormy revelation (at her word) would have been of little concern.

The $130,000 paid to Cohen in installments was at once [1] properly documented as a legal expense (a retainer, I guess, since no specific services were cited) and [2] mistakenly documented as such, which makes them what? A reimbursement? If so, for what?

Pardon my complex sentences - this gibberish is hard to summarize. Christ is it ever.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

You’ve got to offload at least half your brain cells to find his story plausible.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Is he going to try to appeal on grounds of incompetent counsel?

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Blanche is on Fox playing to public opinion, having failed in court. He's not good at it. Words fail me. Get this: Blanche says he's not sure he has any regrets, he's still thinking this through.

(I admit to getting most of my analysis from MeidasTouch.)

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Blanche has always depended on the kindness of strangers.

Expand full comment

Deep State operative undercuts Queens Man at most inopportune moment, claims he was just following orders.

Expand full comment

And the court reporter is Franz Kafka!

Expand full comment

Didja see the court artist showing off her last work from the back of her station wagon, saying "think I'll keep this one..."?

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

At the very least the charges are pretty easy to understand, but of course as William Jennings Bryan wrote, "it is useless to argue with a man whose opinion is based upon a personal or pecuniary interest;"

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

And…losers whine.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Red, red whine

Stay close to me

Don't let me laugh so hard

It's tearing apart

My blue, blue heart

Expand full comment

Whoa. New direction. Well conceived.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Stupidly (and being up since 3am) I checked out Nice Polite Republicans to see what they had to say, and dammit if they didn't both sides the hell out of it. I hadn't listened to NPR national news in weeks, and I shan't again for the foreseeable future.

Oh well, maybe A Martinez will be in the camps and I join that long, long line to punch that sonofabitch in the nose.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Take it down a notch, Spartacus!

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

I want to be caught up in a sweep of nobodies fingered by the neighbors.

"Overheard making seditious remarks in the Home Depot self checkout line."

With luck, I'll be in the same transit camp as Nina Totenberg. While she's standing at the fence screaming, "Don't you know who I am?" I'll offer to trade a crust of bread for her winter socks.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

I fingered a neighbor once, but we both felt kind of awkward later on.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Hey at least you don't owe that neighbor nearly $500 million

Expand full comment

Silly, didn't you hear how NPR has "gone woke"?

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

As me sainted pappy would say, "Sheeee-it!".

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

How do you bothsides this? Bob Menendez?

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Weak and nit-picky charges. Insufficient respect for the defendant. Questionable venue.

aka Trump Apologist Bullshit

Expand full comment
May 31·edited May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Well, I have to admit they've got a point if they mean "weak" as "not as serious as attempted overthrow of the government" or "not as well-documented as attempted theft of national-security secrets." Now, I'm no lawyer, but as a defense, what do we think of "C'mon, this crime isn't NEARLY as bad as all my OTHER crimes!"

Expand full comment
May 31·edited May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Oh, this kind of violation of NY State finance law happens all the time, nobody gets charged, everybody else walks, etc. etc. ad nauseam.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Yes, veeeerry interrresting how actual innocence isn't part of his defense.

Expand full comment
May 31·edited May 31

Except when it is.

Like how he never met EJC, but commented on being in a dressing room with her. Oops, hypothetically. Anyway he'd never assault her - not his type - but she liked it when he did. Or would like it. Yeah that's it.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Respect for the defendant?

In a NYC court?

Expand full comment

LP be pickin' up THIS TAB.

Expand full comment

Thank you brother.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

HOW THE FUCK DO YOU BOTHSIDES THIS WTF DUDE

Expand full comment

Yeah. I know strongly worded letters ain't nothing, but Mr. "Ease up, Spartacus" would be absolutely horrified at the emails I've sent to the NPR Ombudsman (such as that is).

"Yeah, A Martinez reminds me of Don Henley - he can report a plane crash with a gleam in his eye". Please....he don't know me vewy well, do he?

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

The FNYT has run literally dozens of op-eds about how Democrats absolutely MUST dump Biden an get a new candidate. Because Biden is old, you see. I'll bet you didn't know that!

But I wonder if now, with Donald Trump a convicted felon, the FNYT will run even a single op-ed suggesting that maybe perhaps the GOP might somehow be able to find a candidate who is NOT a convicted criminal?

Probably not. I'm sure Brett Stevens is hard at work writing something about how Trump being a convicted felon brings him closer to the average working man, while Biden's refusal to commit crimes shows he's just an elitist.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Not sure it would fly, but "Do you want a President who is old, or a President who is old AND a convicted felon?" has a nice ring to it.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Most presidents serve their term in the White House, not the Big House.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Love it! Biden surrogates could riff on this nonstop. "Most presidents meet the press in the Rose Garden, not the prison yard."

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

He may well. After all, re: the debates he taunted Trump with "I hear you're free on Wednesdays."

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

“The next pinstriped suit he wears isn’t gonna have a matching red tie.”

Expand full comment

Michael Cohen on MSNBC pointed out that Trump will now have to pee in a cup in front of his parole officer. I like Presidents who pee in a urinal, not a cup.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Aw damn, that's first rate. That's a Joe TikToc ready made. Superb.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Harry Truman used to refer to the White House as "the great white jail" but this was *after* he was reelected.

Expand full comment

Mrs. Truman was holding a ladies luncheon at the White House. Harry dropped by and noted "I'm off to spread manure on the lawn" and away he goes.

The ladies tut-tut'ed and tsk-tsk'ed. "Bess", said one, "can't you get him to do something about his language?"

Mrs. Truman sighed and said, "It took me forty years to get him to say 'manure'"

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

and talks like a lunatic?

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Dark Brandon smiles.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Trump will say it makes him just like the Blacks. Actually, he already has.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Remember when Jesus was convicted of falsifying temple records to hide his affair with Mary Magdalene?

Yeah, me neither.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

I wanna see the accounting on this loaves and fishes deal

Expand full comment

Well, we HAD alla those numbers ready for ya just outside the temple, but this maniac came along and threw all the tables and benches over and messed everything up!

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

It's in the Gnostic gospels though.

Expand full comment

Mother Teresa has been invoked.

Expand full comment

Well, she did have that fling with Ron Jeremy...

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

There’s a MAGA meme out there of Tubby with cornrows and the sentiment THIS IS OUR GEORGE FLOYD MOMENT. Does that mean we can choke him to death?

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

The Central Park Five have yet to comment that we know of.

Expand full comment

And leave us not forget to check the Alito flagpole.

Expand full comment

"Let's run it up the flagpole and see who seig-heils"

Expand full comment

Sam, comes home from hard day licking nether regions of patrons, sees flag flying free in the breeze, yells "MMAAAARRRTHAAAA!!"

Next-door neighbor kids be goin' "Amazing how much fun we can have with one plain white bath towel and an empty flagpole."

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Shoot, Boss, I thought it would be an actual Beanie Baby (me widdle literal brain). "War". Bring it, Talk is cheap, ya'll all hat and no cattle.

Expand full comment

It sounded a lot better coming from Glenn Close in "Dangerous Liaisons."

Expand full comment

Tim Poole: “War”

Me: “Was a great 70s band with quite a few memorable hits, such as ‘Spill the Wine,’ ‘Slippin Into Darkness,’ & ‘Low Rider.”

TP: “War” (with greater urgency)

Me: “Thumb War?”

Expand full comment
May 31·edited May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

What is it good for? Good God, yall.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Good for pisswhining on Xitter.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

The image of a nebbish like Tim Pool demanding "War!" while buying a one-way ticket to Costa Rica.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

I never knew who Tim Pool was until Sam Seder & The Majority Report started skewering him repeatedly.

Expand full comment

That's one up on me. I never heard of the guy, I just thought he was a random MAGAt.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

GWAR?

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

I thought that according to Van Jones Trump became president when he bombed somebody in the Middle East.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

[commentator nods sagely] “Today he truly became viceroy of Bechuanaland.”

Expand full comment

Every time I read this it gets juuuust a liiiiittle better.

I finally realized its 2-mark status. I'm slow sometimes.

Expand full comment
May 31·edited May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

I feel pretty good about the whole thing.

I got a lot on my mind this morning. Today is our official company picnic. I've been asked to give a little talk. All the swinging dicks from senior management are going to be there. There may be a little problem with those two things , public speaking and swinging dicks. Usually, the picnic is at a park 5 minutes across town. This year it's a 20 minute drive. Here's my problem - you can get pretty high in 20 minutes. High enough that you don't want to be doing any public speaking or relating to swinging dicks. Now, I realize I don't have to get high on the way the picnic. I will also admit that it's almost certain that is what's going to happen. Oh well. I'm pretty old. If I get out of hand I'll just blame the blood pressure medicine.

But yeah. Real Glad Trump got busted. I love how quick the verdict came back. 'Pubs are heading for an epic ass beating.this fall. The Trump campaign is warning other down ballot campaigns not to fundraise off of his defeat in court. All that pity fuck money belongs to Trump and all the rest of the greedy bastards need to keep their hands off of it. That's hilarious.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Just don't go one toke over the line, brother. Assuming the picnic food is OK, those munchies will be *awesome*.

Expand full comment

Sweet Jesus!

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

"public speaking and swinging dicks"

Could be worse, could be (you know where this is going):

"public swinging and speaking dicks"

Apologies for that visual...

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

(you know where this is going)

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens?

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

I did not see this remake of The Sound of Music coming. Damn you, AI!

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Swinging speaking and public dicks? It's Carnaby Street!

Expand full comment

Like a pendulum do. Not to mention

Bobbies on bicycle two by two, which, I think we can all agree, is what makes it REALLY swing, if you know what I mean...

Expand full comment

and it don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing

Expand full comment

Do what? Do what? Do what? Do what? Do what? Do what? Do what? Do what?

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Dude don't get high on the way to the work picnic

Expand full comment

Well, sure. It could be all black and white like that. I think I prefer shades of gray.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

You'll be fine either way, I just wanted to type that sentence

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

It has a nice "Don't take your guns to town" vibe to it.

Expand full comment
May 31·edited May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

It's hard to love a man whose legs are bent and paralyzed

And the wants and the needs of a woman of your age, Ruby, I realize

(... sorry, different song)

Expand full comment

Like a very wise man once said "When the going gets Weird, the Weird turn pro.'

Expand full comment

Hopefully not all fifty....

Expand full comment

Who the hell can afford a place with 50 windows??!!

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Remember the Little Hippie Boy and never carry more than you can eat.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

One of the best side benefits of Trump's nonstop legal jeopardy is it is draining the GOP coffers bone dry. When he is done with them, the GOP will have to resort to bake sales and lemonade stands to raise $, and I love that for them.

Expand full comment

Husk, I say HUSK of its former self!

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

What's the line from The Producers? "Your Honor, we find the defendants guilty as fuck!"

Expand full comment
May 31·edited May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Good one. But--ask me if I can practically recite the script from memory--the punch line and reading weren't vehement, but incredulous ("...we find the defendants incredibly guilty."). Why is it that I hear our New York State Unified Court System verdict in the same tone? Not to mention: 34x!

Expand full comment

Yeah, time for a rewatch!

Expand full comment

I was thinking fondly of that very line yesterday evening...

Expand full comment

Springtime, baby!

Expand full comment

"Donald 34x" sounds like his Black Muslim name.

Expand full comment
author

Didn't you tell us a story like this before?

Expand full comment

Well, I'll be honest-

It happens quite a bit!

Expand full comment

I think the previous one involved a much larger audience than advertised, at a convention or some such...

WM seems to have mastered the workaround.

Expand full comment

I’m headed out this morning to buy myself a red hat that says MAKE AMERICA GUILTY AGAIN.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

x34

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Moron Adjudicated Guilty AGAIN

Expand full comment

As a Canadian nestled (I hope!) in the safe arms of Japan, I worry about my homeland. We've always been one or two election cycles behind you guys in electing our idiots. I'm glad you may be getting rid of yours, but I'm pretty sure ours will be elected soon enough. (On the plus side, conservatives usually only get one at bat in Canada). Sorry, nothing witty to say (I thought you guys turned the corner with Obama. Boy, was I wrong.)

Expand full comment
May 31·edited May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

"Canadian living in Japan" is a level of distance from this shit that I can only dream of. My Tim Poole hat's off to you sir, I don't care who sees I'm bald.

Expand full comment

Hey man, he's big over there!

Expand full comment

Oof.

Expand full comment
May 31·edited May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

As a Canadian only sort-of confident in his position in the US, even after a handful of decades, I can confidently say that Canadian Conservatives are actively conspiring with the American alt-right and the Republican Governors Association to ensure the Anschluss happens with a proper degree of alacrity and elation. And it's not just possible but probable the head of the CPC will be running the country after the next election, with the full and somewhat open help of American, Russian, Chinese and Indian money.

Expand full comment
author

Fascism is an international movement.

Expand full comment

[assume wistful tone]

If only we had a solution...you know, something to preempt the downfall...

I mean, couldn't we just once try to make the trains run on time?

Expand full comment

Swinging from a lamp post

Wonderin' what's the crime?

All I ever did was

Get the trains to run on time....

Expand full comment
Jun 1·edited Jun 2

An end ignominious. Less propriety than Lincoln's murder conspirators got. Italians are COLD, man...

Expand full comment

Wow. "An end ignominious". What a magnificent turn of phrase.

Now to come up with the corresponding limerick....

Expand full comment

In the weeks following the unpleasantness of 2001, an unnamed Cheney Shogunate official was quoted as warning that Canada would need to be “brought into our security perimeter,” and that it would be necessary for our neighbor to the north to cede a certain amount of sovereignty. But I suppose they ultimately concluded that it would be easier to boost Iraq.

Expand full comment

Now Fatherland, Fatherland, show us the sign

Your children have waited to see

The morning will come

When the world is mine

The sign says Moose Crossing

Expand full comment

Or Tim Horton's

Expand full comment

Bullwinkle Uber Alles!

Expand full comment

Take moose, leave squorrul.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

My state (South Dakota) offers a similar experience to yours. We’re always Republican, but our D-list crew usually hits their nadir a couple of election cycles after the rest of the country. Case in point: Kristi Noem, the somehow more soulless and less talented version of Sarah Palin.

Off-topic, but I recently heard a quip about Canadian politics that I liked: “Alberta: Second from the left, furthest to the right.”

Expand full comment

When the end times come, I assume that one of the strategies will be to drive every Idaho and Montana dominionist over the line into Alberta (or at least easternmost BC), whence they are no longer strictly speaking OUR problem.

Expand full comment

“Why can’t Egypt take them?”

Expand full comment

Excellent point. But the smaller Canadian population will be easier to strong-ar – uh – 'convince' to help us out...

Expand full comment

They can't walk the right way.

Expand full comment

I think my favorite is Merchan telling Blanche "If you don't like my ruling, you don't give me side eye and you don't roll your eyes. Do you understand that?" New York to ex-president.

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

"You lookin' at me?" is apparently in the New York Penal Code.

Expand full comment

Sorry, not Blanche, but Bob Costello, the former Trump lawyer called as a defense witness.

Expand full comment

Right. With Blanche it was "you're losing credibility with the Court."

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

From Occupy Democrats, one year ago:

"BREAKING: Rolling Stone drops bombshell on Trump, reveals that he has been demanding that his “close advisors” find out the “names of senior FBI agents and Justice Department personnel who have worked on the federal probes into him” so that he can retaliate against them by “immediately purging the FBI and Justice Department’s ranks” of each and every single investigator who has investigated his deadly insurrection, Big Lie, and theft of highly classified documents.

But it gets worse.

Rolling Stone continues, “Separately, the twice-impeached former president has been saying for many months that on “day one” of his potential second term, he wants FBI director Christopher Wray “out” of the bureau” because he has refused to “purge the FBI of non-Trump loyalists.”

Rolling Stone continues, reporting that, “During some of the conversations this year, including at Trump’s Florida club Mar-a-Lago, some of Trump’s close political allies told him that they are working on figuring out the identities of the FBI and DOJ staff and forming lists.”

This should strike fear in the heart of every single American, who gives a damn about our struggling democracy."

Now that he was quickly convicted by a jury of his peers, imagine how long his vengeance list must be, expanding beyond FBI agents and now including judges, D.A., and yes, why not even the jury? I'm looking at you, Robert DeNiro —

Expand full comment
May 31Liked by Roy Edroso

Twice impeached, twice (so far) convicted

Expand full comment

Uhmm...35x?

Expand full comment

I'm waiting for Trump to say, "And these losers are not my peers! I'm a billionaire!"

Expand full comment

Now I'm remembering the Simpson's version of The Devil and Daniel Webster.

Expand full comment