© 2017 Greg Skidmore, used under a Creative Commons license
[The vestibule/antechamber/whatever of an absurdly sweet mansion in the Sea Cliff neighborhood in San Francisco; this room is bigger than your living room, probably your whole house. It’s also mostly dark, as it’s the middle of the night, and someone’s banging at the door. Twitter CEO JACK DORSEY finally enters in a cream-colored bathrobe with a Sailor Jerry tattoo-style image of a pin-up girl in Pocahontas gear on the back.]
DORSEY: Coming! Coming, dammit!
[DORSEY pulls an iPhone out of his pocket and uses it to flip on the lights. He opens the door and former White House aide STEVE BANNON and celebrity Nazi RICHARD SPENCER — last seen in “The Name of the Rosacea” in this newsletter — enter. BANNON is wearing his usual multiple-shirt-and-khakis ensemble, while SPENCER is basically wearing an SS uniform without the insignia.]
BANNON: Hey, Jack! It’s Steve and Richie! How you been, bro!
DORSEY: What the fuck, you guys, it’s the middle of the night.
BANNON: What’s the matter, you got a chick over, man? [Sniffs] Smells like you got a chick over.
DORSEY: No, that’s a skin treatment made from vaginal secretions.
BANNON: Holy shit, they do that?
DORSEY: Well, you know, if you have the money.
SPENCER: It’s like the Führer said — the women are depraved and denatured by Jewish gold!
BANNON: Bullshit, Hitler never said that.
SPENCER: Did too.
BANNON: Leave out “Jewish” and it sounds just like your loser friend Peter Paul Watson or Almond Joy Watson or whatever his name is.
DORSEY: Hey, hey, so what brings you knuckleheads to my house at 3 a.m.?
BANNON: Well, Jack, you might have heard that we got kicked out of that Italian place where we were starting up the gladiator school.
DORSEY: [Taps on his phone] Yeah, I heard that. You guys want some drinks?
SPENCER: Schnapps please!
BANNON: Everclear with cocaine ice cubes.
DORSEY: [Tapping the phone] Yeah. I can get you some iced everclear now, Steve, and I believe our night mixologist has a flash freezer and we can have some pharmaceutical coke sent up from the lab, but it may take a half hour or so.
BANNON: [Withdraws what looks like a Dristan inhaler out of his pocket] That’s okay, I can wait. [Takes a big snort]
DORSEY: So, the Italian thing —
BANNON: Yeah well, you know these statists, Jack. We got canned by the Ministry of Culture which is ridiculous, there shouldn’t even be a Ministry of Culture —
SPENCER: Bite your tongue! They must be led by men like Goebbels!
BANNON: Whatever, they canned us. We thought Salvini was with us, at least he said he was, but then he said he can’t get through the bureaucracy. Same thing Trump told me! That’s why we have to raise up new leaders, and why the school is so important.
[A MEXICAN in kitchen whites enters with drinks for everyone and a plate of fruit and nuts. They take, he leaves.]
DORSEY: Thanks, Jorge.
SPENCER: Why are you thanking the subhuman?
BANNON: [A little testy] Oh will you knock it off! [To DORSEY] Do you believe this shaygetz? Anyway, that’s why we came over — we hear you bought the house next door.
DORSEY: Yeah, so?
BANNON: Five bedrooms is a little small for our purposes, but the boys can triple up, and there’s that nice beach for drills.
DORSEY: Are you kidding?
SPENCER: The Fatherland expects every man to do his duty.
BANNON: Come on, Jack. I know you just bought it as a buffer from your asshole neighbors. And I know you approve of the great work. I mean you’re keeping our people alive on Twitter!
SPENCER: I for one am very grateful.
DORSEY: Look. I have Congress up my ass already. What do you think they would do when they find out I’m —
[TOMI LAHREN storms in, barefoot, wearing a robe similar to DORSEY’s.]
LAHREN: [Angry] There you are! Do you know I fell asleep and dreamed I was in some big vault! And then I woke up and I panicked and tore down a bunch of that stupid flocked wallpaper in your bedroom before I figured out where I was! [Shows her right hand] Look, I broke a nail! [Looks at BANNON and SPENCER with distaste] And who are these losers? Ugh! Was the fat one burned in a fire? What is going on? Why do they have drinks? [Taps DORSEY’s robe pocket] You get me a caipirinha right now!
BANNON: [To LAHREN, bowing] Never fear, dear lady! We are aware of your contribution to the cause and we salute you.
SPENCER: Wir stehen zu Ihrer Verfügung, liebe Frau.
[LAHREN stands agape for a moment.]
LAHREN: [To DORSEY, as if offended] Are they being nice to me?
BANNON: [To DORSEY, quietly] Bro, you cannot.
DORSEY: [Fingers to bridge of nose] Can’t help it, bro. You know dumb chicks turn me on.
BANNON: Surely if you can keep this quiet, you can keep our gladiator school quiet.
DORSEY: [Resigned] We can talk about it. But you can’t make a lot of noise.
BANNON: Oh, our people are used to keeping quiet even in the heat of the moment. Isn’t that right, Richie?
SPENCER: When the Führer ejaculated nobody knew, not even Eva.
[The MEXICAN returns with a bowl of ice cubes.]
BANNON: Ah, my cokesicles!
[He grabs a handful, throws them in his drink, sucks a few into his mouth and, groaning, makes fish-faces of pleasure as the CURTAIN falls.]