Wall mart

Trump makes a deal

[Tuesday morning, Oval Office: TRUMP, CHUCK SCHUMER, and NANCY PELOSI on couches; MICK MULVANEY sits on a stool off to one side, looking tired and depressed.]

TRUMP: So I talked to my advisors and they came up with something we can all be happy with. We make the wall out of steel instead of concrete.

[Pause.]

SCHUMER: And?

TRUMP: Whattaya mean, “and”? [Crosses arms, tucks hands into\ armpits] That’s my final offer.

PELOSI: Okay, see ya.

[SCHUMER AND PELOSI leave.]

TRUMP: Well, how do you like that.

[Tuesday evening, Oval Office: TRUMP, CHUCK SCHUMER, and NANCY PELOSI on couches; MICK MULVANEY sits on a stool off to one side, looking tired and depressed.]

TRUMP: Okay, so the deal is the same in every detail, except we make the wall out of fiberglass. It’s light, it’s strong, and the best part: It’s good for the environment.

PELOSI: How is fiberglass — oh, never mind. Chuck?

SCHUMER: Did you think about making it out of gorilla glass? The Corning company up in Steuben County could make you all the gorilla glass you want.

TRUMP: Yes, I thought of that and that’s a very interesting idea. I did think of it. But, fiberglass is what we’re talking about. [Crosses arms, tucks hands into armpits]

PELOSI: Are your hands cold, Mr. President?

SCHUMER: Well, you think about it. We’ll be in touch.

[SCHUMER AND PELOSI leave.]

TRUMP: Mick, why didn’t you tell me about this gorilla glass?

[Wednesday morning, Oval Office: TRUMP, CHUCK SCHUMER, and NANCY PELOSI on couches; MICK MULVANEY sits on a stool off to one side, looking tired and depressed.]

TRUMP: Okay, not that you deserve it, but here’s what I can do: The wall is made out of steel but every hundred miles or so it’s only five foot three inches high. Now that’s the world’s record for the highest any man has ever jumped; so I figure, if any wetback can beat the record, then he should be able to come to our country. But if they try climbing or anything unfair like that, we’ll have guards and the guards will shoot them.

PELOSI: Mr. President, do you remember when we said we wouldn’t fund a wall? [To MULVANEY, kindly] Mick, you remember, don’t you?

[MULVANEY stares at the wall as if blind, unresponsive.]

PELOSI: Oh, Mick.

TRUMP: Women! They’re sentimental. Chuck, what do you think?

SCHUMER: I was reading about gorilla glass last night. Did you know, sir, with the latest version, you have to drop it 15 times from one meter off the ground before it breaks?

TRUMP: [Crosses arms, tucks hands into armpits] Is that a fact? That’s very interesting. I have to find out more about that. Well, I guess you guys are leaving.

PELOSI: That’s right.

[SCHUMER AND PELOSI leave.]

TRUMP: Mick, do I have a prostitute coming in tonight?

MULVANEY: Sure.

TRUMP: Can we get one that’s Puerto Rican, like that socialist girl who’s in Congress? Also I want her to wear that same red lipstick, and maybe do a little dance.

MULVANEY: I’ll call Madame Blanaskaya. [Shuffles out of the Oval Office; we see that he is wearing bunny slippers.]

[Thursday morning, Oval Office: TRUMP, CHUCK SCHUMER, and NANCY PELOSI on couches; MICK MULVANEY sits on a stool off to one side, looking tired and depressed.]

TRUMP: Chuck, you’re a tough negotiator. If you sign right now, we’ll make the whole wall out of gorilla glass, and Corning will get the contract.

SCHUMER: You mean the border wall? The whole wall would be made out of gorilla glass?

TRUMP: I had to fight tooth and nail to get it done, Chuck. A lot of people didn’t want it. They said, “Sir, we can’t make a wall out of glass, whoever heard of such a thing,” but I told them, did you know you can drop a piece of this glass fifty times, a hundred times, out of an airplane, and it would only make the glass stronger. And that’s when they said, and they had tears in their eyes, ‘Sir, you have to build that glass wall.”

SCHUMER: That’s very exciting, sir. Really exciting! I’m sure we can get our people to agree — but you know what would really put it over is, if you announced it in a press conference. Then they’d pretty much have to go along, sir, because the public response would be so great.

TRUMP: Chuck, I like the way you think. Hey, get a load of Speaker Pelosi over there, keeping her trap shut! In fact she looks like she’s crying! I don’t know how you do it, Charlie. You have a way with the ladies.

SCHUMER: You should talk, sir! Okay, we’ll just mosey along and wait for your press conference.

[SCHUMER AND PELOSI leave, hurriedly.]

TRUMP: Okay, Mick, so set this press conference up for, I don’t know, maybe 4 o’clock. That way I can get a nap in before.

MULVANEY: [Staring out a window; wanly] It’s a trap, Mr. President.

TRUMP: [Getting up from couch] Trap, what trap? You heard Chuck. When I announce it they’ll have to go along, because people are going to love it. Okay, I’m going off the grid for a while. Have a good time, Mick. Just make sure to cover the phones.

[TRUMP leaves. Pause.]

MULVANEY: [In a faint voice] Stop, don't, come back.

[Silence. Curtain.]