What About Brett?

A recent scene from the Oval Office

Oval Office, the recent past. JOHN KELLY sits in a chair, legs folded, reviewing a document; DONALD TRUMP sits at his desk, watching video on his phone of a snake eating an egg. Suddenly, from the Presidential Secretary’s office, we hear someone yelling, “Hey, you can’t go in there!” Only KELLY looks up and rises. Then, in the manner of George Custer breaking in on President U.S. Grant in They Died With Their Boots On, BRETT KAVANAUGH rushes into the room — only, unlike Errol Flynn, he is flushed and crying.

KAVANAUGH: Mr. President, they’re onto us! I mean, they're onto me -- you of course are above prosecution!

KELLY: [Walks to KAVANAUGH; in measured but impatient tones] Try to remember that you are not to speak to the president directly unless he addresses you.

KAVANAUGH: I’m sorry, Mr. Kelly. I'm just -- I don't know what to do. [Stamps foot, runs hands through hair] Ooooh, why didn't they say something sooner? I mean, the whole time I was working for Ken Starr I was expecting it -- when they got Henry Hyde I thought, that's it, I'm next.

KELLY: [Under his breath] Don't flatter yourself.

KAVANAUGH: I could have ridden it out! The RNC would have paid them off. And back in those days they would have taken it -- they'd wouldn't have had a choice! And that would have been that. I'd have gone to Jones Day for a couple years, maybe come back in as an undersecretary --

KELLY: [Steps forward, sniffs] Kavanaugh, have you been drinking?

KAVANAUGH: No, sir. Medicine, sir, that’s what you’re smelling. It’s a prescription.

KELLY: Really? Smells an awful lot like Scotch.

TRUMP: Come on, General, we knew he was a rummy when we brought him in. Hey rummy! If they get ya for perjury it’s prison, and you know what they got for people like you in prison? It’s called Pruno. Look it up! Here’s I’ll look it up for you.

KELLY: Sir, if you look up something like that --

TRUMP: [Typing on his phone] "Official secrets," I know. Don’t worry, I’m using a burner.

KELLY: On the executive wifi network, sir?

TRUMP: Oops! Guess I forgot. OK, I’ll use your phone as a hotspot.

KAVANAUGH: Mr. Kelly, listen, I have a plan! We get Kathleen Willey and Juanita Broaddrick to sit in the row right behind me and glare at these women, just really... let 'em have it with the glares.

KELLY: [to TRUMP] Mr. President?

TRUMP: Something I like about it. It's like a whatchamacallit -- a callback.

KELLY: The press would like it.

TRUMP: I'll give Maggie Haberman a call. First I gotta get this Pruno thing — wait a minute — ugh! There's this stuff Slivovitz, says here it’s made from prunes too, but people on the outside drink it. Well, takes all kinds.

KELLY: Mr. President, Kavanaugh looks about to faint. What's say we let him sit down.

TRUMP: Yeah, what do I care. Sit down, rummy. [Points at KAVANAUGH as he sits on a sofa] Don't forget we own you! You fuck with us and you'll wish you were in prison. You'll be like that guy on the show with the thing!

KELLY: "Better Call Saul."

TRUMP: Exactly!

KELLY: [Reaches into drawer, tosses KAVANAUGH a teddy bear] Here, take this. It's a White House teddy bear. I know it seems silly, but many of the staff find them soothing to squeeze and pet at times of great stress. [Goes to TRUMP; in a low voice] Sir, before we call in the Clinton Rape Squad, maybe we ought to consider something a little less likely to backfire.

TRUMP: What backfire? People loved it the last time.

KELLY: Sir, this time it's your nominee being accused, not you.

TRUMP: How's that make a difference? 

KELLY: May I suggest we have the nominee appear on Fox with his wife.

TRUMP: Do we have to pay her?

KELLY: I'm pretty sure we don't.

TRUMP: And how does this help?

KELLY: Well, sir, it reminds people that the nominee has had a relationship with a woman that didn't include forcible rape.

TRUMP: [Laughs] You're so naive, John! Hard to believe you were in the Army.

KELLY: Marines.

TRUMP: Whatever. OK, so put 'em on TV. They have any kids?

KELLY: Two daughters, sir. You talked to them on the phone a week ago.

TRUMP: I talk to a lotta people. Were they the ones who talked about that Brexit thing and kept apologizing because they wouldn't let me go see the black chick marry the prince?

KELLY: No, Mr. President, that was the prime minister of Great Britain and the managing director of the International Monetary Fund.

TRUMP: I guess the next King of England is gonna be mulatto. You live long enough, you see everything. OK, put 'em on TV. Make sure he's sober though. Ugh, there's always something wrong with these guys!

[Snoring becomes audible; TRUMP and KELLY look up and see KAVANAUGH has fallen asleep]

TRUMP: Damnit, he’s passed out! If he pisses that couch, that’s it, he’s off the bench.

KELLY: No, Mr. President. I put a little something in his teddy bear. Comes out when you squeeze.

TRUMP: Oooh, like the Russians, huh?

KELLY: Something like that.

TRUMP: You’re a good man, John. Hey, how out of it is he? Think we can get his clothes off and get a couple of chicks in here for a photo session? Hope Hicks can be here in twenty minutes. You know she still carries a beeper.

KELLY: I don’t think we need any more of that sort of thing, sir.

TRUMP: Okay, but at least let’s make him humiliate himself on that Fox show. I know. Make him say he couldn’t have raped that chick because he’s a virgin!

[TRUMP and KELLY laugh, KAVANAUGH snores as the curtain falls.]