114 Comments

Bravo, Roy. I’ll repeat what I’ve said before: if Trump supporters ran off a cliff en masse like lemmings, the NYT would be ON IT: “We’re at the edge of a precipice in this idyllic Cincinnati exurb, talking to GOP voters about why they ardently believe mass suicide is a patriotic gesture.”

Expand full comment

the NYT would compassionately be spreading large soft mattresses along the base of the cliff. can't have those 'diners' hurting themselves, the NYT will need them later for the next installment of 'today in bothsiderism'.

Expand full comment

And violate the Prime Directive? Who do you think you are, James Tiberius Kirk?

Expand full comment

😆🤣😂🤣

Expand full comment

Glad to see “Dr.” Padwalla found a home at Bothsides Institute after that unfortunate incident at Trump University. She was the only “professor” there who really cared about the students, especially the boys, really put out the effort, if you know what I mean. She could’ve been on Fox if she was a little more blonde.

Expand full comment

Good to know they are still doing good work, even tho they shortened the name from 'Bothsides Institution'. I'm guessing they were all a little tired of having to explain why they'd been institutionalized...

Expand full comment

In my day the college widow stood for something. In fact she stood for plenty.

Expand full comment

I KNEW you were a Marxist!

Expand full comment

The entire mainstream, Times on down, is, as a rule, full of shit when it comes to anything, everything regarding politics and the economy, so these idiotic pieces glorifying the thoughts and beliefs of assholes suffering from a dearth of empathy for anyone other than themselves.

I mean, please.

That said, I was sufficiently amused :)

Expand full comment

Willfull stupidity has become a hallmark of modern Amercian culture. You can't sustain a viable country under theses circumstances. Any country tha rejects education, science and simple human compassion is destined for the dustbin of history.

Expand full comment

Hey, let's be careful with the generalizations here. A third of the country rejects education, science and simple human compassion and the United States Constitution works hand-in-hand with the filibuster to give that one-third an absolute veto over anything the other two thirds wants.

Expand full comment

Agreed...except I'd say it is more like half the country.

Expand full comment

CDC says about 240 million people vaccinated in this country. Virtually all the attention goes to the less-than-100 million who are not vaccinated.

Expand full comment

Numbers are actually not even close to sufficient and never will be.

Expand full comment

What % of the population would need to get vaccinated to take us to herd immunity? Maybe 80%, maybe more? So yes, 20% can prevent us from getting where we want to go. That's worse than the filibuster.

The issue here isn't some flaw in our national character (if that's what we're talking about, it's not exactly clear) it's a political system or just basic biology that lets the will of a backward minority overrule the majority. That doesn't negate the fact that a solid majority is making the right choices and wants sensible things.

Expand full comment

Low 70s fully vaccinated, which to say at least the initial two. We’re below 60 and no way are going to close that gap much.

Expand full comment

The EZ tyranny of the minority the Founders designed for their minority-only democracy. #heritage

Expand full comment

Right, the issue isn't that Americans are uniquely stupid (Covid denialism is all over Europe, and look at Brazil if you want to see a truly fucked-up response to Covid) it's that we've been saddled with a political system deliberately designed to allow a minority to block anything that looks like progress. Because we were unlucky enough to be Democracy Early Adopters, and rich people were terrified that any real democracy would mean "the poor can vote to take all our stuff." Now, we've got two centuries of experience to show the poor can almost never organize themselves to vote to take all the rich peoples' stuff, but we're stuck with all the "safeguards" anyway.

Expand full comment

Stupidity and irresponsibility are universal in western nations, enabled by cowardly pols who refuse to force a little responsibility. While the ‘Rona is mutating, these assholes create hotspots for it.

The commies were right when they call us decadent.

Expand full comment

To be fair, the commies thought "food adequate to survive" was decadent.

Expand full comment

Please elaborate. You lost me.

Of course, other instances of the use or misuse of the term doesn’t negate its applicability to, I dunno, Big Pharma’s position that their own windfall profits is more important than giving up some moneys (again, windfall) to eliminate a global pandemic or at least get it under control.

If you’re sliming Team Stalin here, we’ll, I haven’t the energy to even think of defending them beyond noting that I like using the adjective of decadent for our own leadership. At least it’s an alternative to saying sociopathic.

Expand full comment

'dustbin' is so 19th century – we're looking at an overflowing dumpster of history now!

Expand full comment

And let us not forget that TFG's anagram is "Dolt ran dump!"

Expand full comment

The Covid shit show of a response proves we’re a failed state — just in case letting one party destroy the power of the vote and bipartisan support for an extractive economy doesn’t.

Expand full comment

Anyone with kids remembers them telling an unfunny joke countless times no matter what you said or did to stop them. This is markedly similar except I would never want to beat a kids ass whereas, well, you know.

And to be honest, we've beat that "Karen" horse to a bloody goddamn pulp and continue to beat it. I don't know why. It was funny for about 12 minutes one morning.

This is nicely done btw.

I worked for that guy in the pick-up truck. He had strippers at the company Christmas party. The one we brought our wives to. I quit when my paycheck bounced.Everyone did. 6 months later he was back in business. That was 40 years ago.He's probably dead now. These days the company is the largest electrical contractor in SW Ohio. His kids must own it.

Expand full comment

The origin story of 95% of business successes.

Expand full comment

Basically all small talk as well among a certain set of cishet white people

Expand full comment

I can never get past 'cishet' without thinking of ancient Egyptian gods...

Expand full comment

Totally, an ancient mummy's curse here to mediocritize us all

Expand full comment

Except for the walking – Egyptians walk so cool...

Expand full comment

Strippers, or bouncing checks?

Expand full comment

or he left it to the strippers

Expand full comment

"may begin to understand after a few more rounds of abuse"

Well, let's get to abusing the motherfuckers, then. No sacrifice is too great for my fellow citizens. Anybody got an extra Louisville Slugger I can borrow?

Expand full comment

the prescient mr. edroso sees an astounding one week into the future. or is it one week into the past?

Expand full comment

“…she said, reading off an index card” 😂

Expand full comment

“Oh, so now you’re giving me homework”

Damn it! Schools out – PERMANENTLY!

Expand full comment

school's out for summer,

school's out forever

Expand full comment

I'd honestly respect them more if they were just saying "Fuck Joe Biden". It's the "I'm not touching you" bullying that's so goddamned petty. Say it and face the consequences of people calling you a dick. Just try to be a grown up.

Expand full comment

"Just try to be a grown up."

There's your problem, right there.

Expand full comment

I like the "I'm not touching you" reference here. Especially.

Expand full comment

They get off on what they think is clever and sadly have no one to slap them with a little truth.

Expand full comment

That’s some damn fine art ;)

Expand full comment

Perfect.

Expand full comment

While reading this I caught myself groping with the truth, which is for losers, because it’s all about how you are better than I feel about myself.

Expand full comment

I did a couple of inadvertent Cletus Safaris after the 2016 election. The first was one aisle over in a Lowe's, the second in a checkout line of a small specialty shop. In both cases some blowhard was blathering on to a victim who muttered, "...uh huh...yep," whenever there was a pause. There weren't many pauses, because both Trump enthusiasts were wound up and dieseling. I pretended to be focused on something else, the better to eavesdrop. The blowhards were repeating the same talking points. Talking fragments might be a better description. "He's going to make America great! A businessman is finally going to run the county!"

It's the same as belting out snatches of song lyrics, or movie lines as shorthand communication. If you get the appropriate reaction, your target is in the tribe. If not, you just keep prattling on anyway, because you can't help it, and you're so damn cute. You have the holy spirit in you, and it just has to come out.

I've heard the same sort of thing at rallies and protests of all stripes. Get a few key phrases into folks heads, and let them parrot away. I flatter myself that when the microphone finally goes into my face, an articulate, well reasoned, and to-the-point response will emerge. I wouldn't place any bets on it though.

Expand full comment

"Dieseling" is the perfect word for what these people do, and one I'm familiar with since each of my first few cars did it relentlessly -- you always had to add a few minutes to your ETA for the car to shut off.

Expand full comment

To be fair, I do this to my partner in public. We're standing in the WalMart line and I'm explaining how arson investigators are complete fucking hacks and no one should ever be convicted because of their allegedly expert testimony, with my partner slightly glazing over. They won't even stand in a first aid aisle with me, because of my Universal Single Payer rant.

Expand full comment

Love your insight into the progressive mindset.

Expand full comment

A classic. And thefe really is a Bugtussle, Okla.

Expand full comment

I know! It's the verisimilitude that does it!

Expand full comment

Looking forward to future reports from Oatmeal, Neb. (I go to Singin' in the Rain for all my small town names.)

Expand full comment

I love that bit.

Expand full comment

Nutbush, Tennessee would like a word.

Expand full comment

Hell, Michigan is standing right there.

Expand full comment

Michigan, home to both Hell and Paradise.

Expand full comment

Rabbit Hash, KY

Expand full comment

Nunda, South Dakota

Expand full comment

Tina Turner is from Nutbush.

Expand full comment

I swear by Dead Man's Fang, AZ.

Expand full comment

I like MST3K’s Ratsass, Missouri.

Expand full comment

Hole in the Wall, Oregon. Chuckanut, Washington. Humptulips, Washington. And Truth or Consequences, New Mexico.

Expand full comment

Iowa has neighboring towns named Fertile and Manly, leading to the inevitable wedding announcement, “Fertile Woman Marries Manly Man.”

Expand full comment

Does it ever swing in the opposite direction, or is that forbidden in Iowa?

Expand full comment

I am reminded of the time a Republican family member told me the NYT Cletus Safari was not an example of the left trying to bridge the divide and understand the right, but instead was yet another example of the left *spying* on the right. We are so dishonest, see, that we are presenting what you say only so that our team can learn your patois, and speak it in our next political campaign, to dupe you into thinking we understand you. Which we don’t. We don’t even try.

Expand full comment

Imagine there's a food cart with a sign above it that says "Delicious Barbecue" and there's a long line of people waiting in front of it. No story there, people just love barbecue, right? Now imagine a food cart with a sign that says "Shit Sandwiches", and there's STILL a line. That's newsworthy, right? Don't you want to know what's going on in the heads of the people in the shit sandwich line? And the shittier the sandwich, the more curious we are.

Expand full comment

I assume your family member is completely behind the car and truck commercials that suggest The Heartland Is The Only Real America Where We Make Good Things, unlike those east coast elitists who collect welfare.

Expand full comment

Yes, the Heartland of Detroit where... oh, wait...

Expand full comment

Well no. As a lifelong East coast suburbanite who never drove a truck, in fact bought Nissans and Subarus, the cartoon version does not apply. But that is what makes the reality so hard to sort through. There was, prior to its Gingrichification, a northeastern GOP spirit that had no use for shitkicking. Some days I believe their politics coalesced simply around whoever looked most classy. Nixon beat Humphrey, Reagan beat Carter, GHWB beat Bill Clinton in a walk. Gingrich muddied it by being such a carny, and then Fox dynamited it within the party, but the sensibility remained in individuals. Who would place little stock in “the Heartland,” and also loathed Trump—but not for his policies. Mainly because he had no class whatsoever, and therefore was painful to align with.

Expand full comment

Terrific as usual. It's exceedingly difficult to send up something that's already its own parody but you manage it splendidly. A recent Times safari story (a stafory?) about the defiant unvaccinated began with a a paragraph about how desperate hospitals in Ohio took out a full-page ad pleading for people to get vaccinated with one word: "Help". This was followed by a sentence that sums up the idiocy of this entire species of "journalism":

"But in a suburban Ohio café, Jackie Rogers, 58, an accountant, offered an equally succinct response on behalf of unvaccinated America: "Never."

We should note that 58 year-old Jackie the accountant in suburban Ohio and spokesperson for millions of Americans doesn't appear anywhere else in the article, and this one word quote is his/her entire claim to fame, that is, until Jackie appears in articles by other journalists feeding at the same "café", (accent aigu, of course, just like they spell it in Appalachia).

Expand full comment

It's as though these "journalists" are all channelling Doug J. Balloon/the New York Times Pitchbot, and/or using him as inspiration.

Expand full comment

"People who hate the vaccine still hate the vaccine" is the "Generalissimo Francisco Franco still dead" of 2021/2022.

Expand full comment

To attempt to be fair to the Times, this is a perfect expression of how they see their mission: present a hospital begging for relief, and present a representative response from the target community. The reader is left to draw her own conclusions. Other safaris have been more lavish in their tongue bath of the rugged and deeply principled ant-vaxxers, but they generally follow the formula. I could argue that running essentially the same story over and over and over grants the common clay of America more legitimacy than they deserve, since there is no visible effort to dig into motives, rationale, or any justification for this embrace of Freedom from Health, or discussion of the effect of this choice on others. But then the Times might be seen as taking sides in a struggle to reduce unnecessary deaths and preserve a fragile health care infrastructure, and they can't have that.

Expand full comment