Young Guns, Accent on the Guns

The GOP's 2022 Up-and-Killers

In the spirit of past Republican “Young Guns” designees — from Paul Ryan to Lauren Boebert — here are some of the party’s “on the radar” up-and-comers who will help us take back the House in 2022!

Margaret “Mopsie” Brandon
AZ-1

Only 28 years old, Prescott day-care operator Mopsie has already enjoyed national attention as the leader of last year’s “Squatters-to-Pee Rights” campaign to keep Yavapai County libraries from having gender-neutral restrooms. Mopsie and her colleagues picketed libraries and sometimes locked themselves in library bathrooms and refused to come out (the famous “pee-ins”). Though mainstream media mocked them, the Squatters got their way and now even Yavapai County libraries that only had single-seat toilets have been forced to install separate facilities for biological women.

“It’s the principle of the thing,” says Mopsie. “Calling a single-seat toilet ‘gender-neutral’ is a typical Gramscian march-through-the-institutions maneuver to weaken out moral structures. It must be resisted no matter what the cost.” Yavapai Country paid for the renovations by removing money from homeless services, “so it’s like two birds with one stone,” says Mopsie.

Mopsie is also chairwoman of the Prescott, AZ Lizard People Surveillance group, and is running on a platform of preventing non-humans from voting. “It’s no secret so-called President Joe Biden only appeared to win Arizona in 2020 because of late-arriving ballots from the Cave of the Silurians,” Mopsie says. “Political correctness has fooled us into thinking it’s wrong to call out people with reptilian features like that kid on the Netflix show about chess. But the Constitution is not a suicide pact, and we must detain suspected humanoid lizards for a period of time to see if their skin dries out when deprived of their special lotion or if they lay soft-shelled eggs on land.” She also hopes to pass a bill making libraries illegal, as “children can get all the book-learning they need from the Bible and Harry Potter; those books are available through Amazon, and I have verified that Jeff Bezos is not a lizard person, unlike Mark Zuckerberg.”

Gardon French Vanilla
FL-7

Winter Park’s #1 boat salesman three years running, Gardon still finds time to coach soccer at Winter Park Boys’ School, “or at least I did before the “plandemic,’” he says. Gardon got involved with local Republican politics in spring of 2020, when he noticed during one of President Trump’s COVID-19 press conferences that horns were growing out of Dr. Anthony Fauci’s head. “They were there plain as day, though people pretended not to see it,” Gardon says. He took his concerns to a Winter Park GOP officers meeting and after a nine-hour standoff with sheriff's deputies decided to do more research on the subject.

While on probation Gardon learned that the so-called coronavirus was actually a microchip that entered the body through Starbucks coffee and Chipotle burritos. “You steer clear of those places and you’re alright,” Gardon says. “Those masks don’t do a thing to stop it, Fauci and his fellow demons just make you wear them to disrupt the social order, which is part of the plan the Frankfurt School came up with a hundred years ago to convert America to socialism. This is why you don’t let foreigners into this country, not even the white ones.”

With the removal of his restraining order Gardon became a frequent attendee at local GOP meetings and, as more members with his views joined up, he became a popular favorite and eventually district leader. “Low taxes are great,” Gardon says, “but the Republican Party has to think bigger. We have to remove the usurper Biden and bring back President Trump, and force Twitter to reinstate his account and the accounts of all the conservatives they cancel-cultured, and we have to stop this vaccine madness and close down Starbucks and Chipotle, and put Fauci and all the demons in a demon holding facility like in Ghostbusters — the original, not the one with ugly women — where they can’t get loose and cloud men’s minds. Also, black people are prejudiced against white people. I don’t have a policy for that, I just like saying it.”

Ivan Bloodwort
MI-5

Not much is known about Bloodwort’s past or how he makes his living — “let’s just say I put a hurt on people who need hurting,” he says. He is from Vienna Township, puts his age at 22, and says his goal in Congress is “to secure the existence of our people and a future for white children.” He feels that if society tolerates activism from black, gay, and other groups, which he generally classifies as “subhuman” or “subs,” then “you can’t say anything about me standing up for my people. That’s just common sense.”

Bloodwort entered Republican politics as a volunteer on Tim Kelly’s 2020 campaign against incumbent Democratic Congressman Dale Kildee. Though Bloodwort’s swastika tattoos drew stares and his aggressive approach to campaigning led to his arrest and a brief jail sentence, he also became known for his criticism of the Kelly campaign; “he was all free market this and free market that,” says Bloodwort. “He didn’t say nothing about how Flint where Kelly’s from is mostly full of subs. What are white people doing voting for their interests? It’s like J.D. Vance says: forget that free market stuff, our people are suffering from opioids and bad jobs and we gotta do something about that.” Along with Vance, Bloodwort admires Georgia firebrand Representative Majorie Taylor Greene, especially what he calls her “direct action” approach to politics — Bloodwort just pats his rifle when asked what that means — though he thinks she should leave Congress and “pump out white babies for the Cause.”

Sentiments like these have won Bloodwort a following among the district’s young Republicans. He recognizes that he’s an unorthodox candidate. “The old-timers don't like my tattoos,” he says, “particularly those who fought on the wrong side in World War II. But those guys are dying off. I represent the future of the Republican Party. Tomorrow belongs to me!”