2020 Republican Strategy, Final Days, Part 1

3-Derp chess

© 2017 Gage Skidmore, used under a Creative Commons license

October 22

Rudy Giuliani holds a press conference at which he shows grainy photos that appear to be printed on fax paper and vaguely resemble human forms. Giuliani claims they are photos of Hunter Biden having sex with a minor. “A minor boy or a minor girl?” asks a reporter from AP. “I’ll get back to you on that,” says Giuliani. Before anyone else can ask a question, Charlie Kirk from Turning Point storms the press conference with a bunch of militiamen who chant “PEDO JOE” and threaten to kill reporters. Moments later the New York Post runs the unbylined story “HUNTER F*CKED ME SEZ CRIPPLED ORPHAN.” The accusant calls himself “White Pete” and claims Hunter Biden assaulted him sexually several times while smoking crack and praying to the Devil. Photos of “White Pete” are immediately identified by TinEye users as a 27-year-old circus performer known professionally as Midget Bumfighter Pete. Nonetheless conservatives denounce Twitter for blocking the Post story for a couple of hours before Mark Zuckerberg appears at Heritage Foundation headquarters in Washington, D.C. in sackcloth and ashes, begging forgiveness. All Republican Senators repeatedly tweet “PEDO JOE MUST GO #WWG1WGA” except Mitt Romney, who instead calls for “a formal investigation of these disturbing charges.”

October 23

At a rally in Pensacola, Florida, after a long monologue about how “stupid” people are to live there because of the “giant Puerto Rican mosquitoes” and “ugly hookers,” Trump tells the crowd he will pay cash bribes for their votes and instructs them to give their names and addresses to event staff so he can “send you a big check.” He says those seeking bribes must take a picture of their completed Trump ballot and send it to the campaign office, adding “Rob DeSantis says it’s okay, in fact I gave him twenty dollars.” After the rally, lines to apply for the bribes last well into the following morning; several campaign workers anonymously tell reporters they had no idea Trump would do this, and that they were not paid overtime. A story headlined “Disgruntled Overtime-Seekers Character-Assassinate Trump” appears in Paul Bedard’s Washington Examiner column.

October 24

Former Presidential Advisor/Nazi Steve Bannon holds a press conference accusing Pope Francis of colluding with Democrats to “fix” the election. The press conference is delayed when Bannon is removed by police who don’t recognize him and arrested for vagrancy. Once returned to his rented space at the Press Club in Washington, D.C. Bannon, wearing a gladiator’s helmet, claims Francis’ recent expression of support for civil unions was “coordinated with Joe Biden to demoralize Christians in America and weaken our moral fiber,” which by a process left unexplained would swing the election to the Democrats. “Everybody talks about Russia,” Bannon cries, hoisting a plastic halberd, “but the real foreign interference is from Vatican City!” Later in the day, reports from Italy confirm that a ragtag band of American militiamen, QAnon adherents, and Latin Mass cultists, calling themselves the “JFK Jr. Brigade,” has attempted to overthrow the Pope; most are killed by Swiss Guards, but one of the few survivors is revealed to be white supremacist Richard Spencer, for whom Rod Dreher of The American Conservative organizes a “Free Richard” campaign.

October 28

Caught masturbating outside a Catholic girls school, Rudy Giuliani claims he was just working on his Halloween costume and blames “anti-Catholic prejudice like we just saw at the Vatican” for his arrest. Tiffany Trump releases a single, “MAGA Hags (Shake Your *ss),” which is universally denounced. The Trump campaign circulates an email from the President that says anyone who makes a million-dollar donation will get “a visit to the White House where both the President and the First Lady will cough in your face, exposing you to the magic germs that made us both immune to COVID-19, the flu, and everything else.” At a campaign stop in Ohio, Trump throws envelopes into the crowd that he says contain “First Lady bugs”; several attendees are injured going after them, and two die in the ensuing struggle. Trump again promises bribes for pictures of Trump ballots. When told by reporters that photos of completed ballots are illegal in Ohio, Trump campaign manager Bill Stepien, swigging from a 40-ounce bottle of Colt 45, tells them, “ha, like bribes aren’t!”

To be continued