3 Bold Outsider Choices for Speaker of the House

The choice of a new generation

It has been frequently remarked by Republicans that, since the rules appear not to exclude non-members of Congress, Donald Trump could be made the Speaker of the House. But, as the man himself noted in yesterday’s edition, people don’t like Speakers. In the old days a Speaker — or for that matter a Secretary of State — could rise to the Presidency, because government service even in a non-elective office was considered ennobling. But in our modern kakistocracy, where such offices are presumed sinecures for bums and feebs, this is impossible, and we understand why he chooses to stay out of it.

But we can still expect Republicans, who love useless thought experiments and whose House members hate each other too much to elect one of their own, to entertain unorthodox choices now that McCarthy has been fucked.

So:

© 2017 Gage Skidmore, used under a Creative Commons license

Sheriff David Clarke. African-Americans willing to amplify conservative talking points will never miss a meal in the Republican Party, as white members think the best solution to their extreme unpopularity with black voters is not to advocate policies they might approve, but instead to dig up whatever Clayton Bigsby they can find and run him for high office — see Kimberly Klacik, Alan Keyes, Larry Elder, et alia. The former Milwaukee sheriff and law-and-order crackpot Clarke has not been given a chance to run unsuccessfully for a bigger post, but making him Speaker would really own the libs, particularly when he declares himself “The Only Law West of the Anacostia” and goes gunning for varmints and sidewinders.

© 2007 Late1 used under a Creative Commons license

Jared Fogle. As the Twitter account @antioperative (and the local news) endlessly shows, the Republican Party and its adjunct evangelical movement are shot through with pedophiles. Generally their reaction to having this mentioned has been to call LGBTQ people and their friends “groomers,” but this seems to be losing its salience, so we may expect a return to that old standby, the Redeemed Sinner Narrative, such as they tried with Josh Duggar (which, sadly, did not pan out). This approach would have the added appeal of making child molestation seem less toxic, like something a Republican could bounce back from. Former Speaker/pedo Dennis Hastert is a bit long in the tooth for this, but Fogel is still young and much of the public — especially elderly white people, the Republican base — are familiar with him through his Subway ads. It may seem an impediment that Fogel is still in prison but, given the possibility that their 2024 presidential candidate will be, too, Republicans may see this as an opportunity to normalize that as well.

© 2008 Kim Scarborough, used under a Creative Commons license

Just some crazy bum off the street. As Joe the Plumber, Dan Bongino, and Oliver Anthony have shown, Republicans can claim the mantle of the Common People even as they toady to the rich by elevating randos from nowhere and making them their avatars. There isn’t a lot of time to groom and brief the latest version for the Speakership, but the beauty of this routine is that a lack of qualifications, rhetorical or administrative gifts, or even basic social skills actually makes the champion more “authentic” and his position thereby unanswerable. If he can’t string words together in a coherent fashion, articulate policy positions, or retain control of his bladder, so long as he expresses resentment plainly and loudly and does not name major Republican donors as objects of his wrath, he will be lionized as the voice of the unheard. The recent “Freedom Convoy” protestors offer a suitable farm team for this appointment, but if they don’t pan out, an actual crazy bum off the street will do just fine, particularly if he has it together enough to say “I was livin’ in a mansion an’ wipin’ myself when I pooped afore Joe Biden’s inflation” in front of reporters.