A Media's Kisses

Bolt and the boys on the new guy

BOLT UPRIGHT: Good evening, I’m Bolt Upright, and this is Received Opinion.

[Music. Screen behind UPRIGHT: Picture of newly-elected Speaker of the House MIKE JOHNSON with little hearts floating around his head and the chyron LIKE ETTA JAMES SAID: AT LAST! ]

Well it took nearly a month but the House finally has elected a Speaker: Mike Johnson of Louisiana, a man well-liked by, well, just about everybody. I certainly haven’t heard anything bad about him personally, and in Washington that’s saying something! We were going to roll clips of House Republicans praising the man they call “Mike,” but all 221 of them said that if we didn’t run their clip they’d boycott the show, and we certainly don’t want that!  But we can say Johnson doesn’t have the, let us say, personality conflicts that some previous candidates have had.

[Screen behind UPRIGHT: Picture of House minority leader HAKEEM JEFFRIES, shot with a red filter, looking glum, with the chyron PARTY POOPER.]

Democrats, on the other hand, attacked the new Speaker on political grounds, because he takes a pretty hard line on issues that tick off Democrat special interest groups like gays, women of childbearing age, and adherents of the Biden Won the 2020 Election conspiracy theory. But will it matter, so long as Republicans have the majority and Johnson has that winning smile? At our Decision Desk we’ll put the question to a frequent guest at Received Opinion, syndicated columnist and author of Cigars with Rush Limbaugh Buff Toehold, and, joining us for the first time, Democrat Congresswoman from New York Maria Talvez-Todavía.

[Swooping-swushing noise, music as UPRIGHT turns to a small desk at which sit the portly, mostly-bald TOEHOLD, in a houndstooth jacket, black shirt, and silver tie with a muted paisley pattern, and the svelte TALVEZ-TODAVÍA, in a Goen.J crochet knitted vest layered halterneck midi dress set and long black hair in braids.]

Representative Talvez-Todavía, surely there must be some common ground that you and the new Speaker can reach with so many pressing issues before the House demanding urgent attention.

TALVEZ-TODAVÍA: The House Republicans just spent a month playing Who’s Got The Gavel. We have been and remain ready to legislate anytime.

UPRIGHT: Buff, what can the Republicans do now to reach across the aisle now and get things done in Washington?

TOEHOLD: Well, why should Republicans reach across the aisle, when all they get is sarcasm like that from Miss Talvez-Todavía? It’s that kind of elitism that we’re going to fight in this Congress.

UPRIGHT: But fight about what, Buff? The continuing resolution that funds the government expires soon. What should the party members do with that?

TOEHOLD: Well, one thing is, and I know Mike Johnson is with me here, we have to stop giving money to that little Soros punk in the Ukraine and start sending it to defend our women and children against the Mexican invaders. Why, I hear Hamas has a chapter down in Guadalajara and they’re sending hundreds of fentanyl suicide bombers straight for Fort Worth. Do you know, if you so much as look at that stuff you get paralyzed for life? That’s what we’re up against here.

UPRIGHT: Representative Talvez-Todavía, surely protecting little children from deadly drugs is something both parties can agree on.

TALVEZ-TODAVÍA: Mr. Toehold’s lurid fantasy notwithstanding, Americans support Ukraine and Israel and if Republicans try to withdraw that support they’ll answer to the voters.

TOEHOLD: Sarcasm and insults again! Same thing we got from Hakeem Jeffries. He called Mike Johnson an extreme right-wing idiot!

TALVEZ-TODAVÍA: Ideologue. He called Johnson an extreme right-wing ideologue. Which is not an insult, it’s a clinical description. Johnson said that he wanted to ban sodomy for gay and straight people. He wants to ban abortion nationwide, cut Medicare and Social Security, and he tried to overturn the 2020 election and he’ll try it again if he still has this job in 2024, which considering how our Republican colleagues operate is not a sure thing.

TOEHOLD: Sputter, sputter! You damn antisemite!

UPRIGHT: But Representative, Mike Johnson said all — well, some of these things a long time ago, surely the maturity that comes with high office will moderate his views.

TALVEZ-TODAVÍA: He’s on your show this weekend. Why don’t you ask him then?

UPRIGHT: Well, you’re new to these shows, Representative, so maybe you don’t realize that asking leaders what they believe in is something we just don’t do.

TALVEZ-TODAVÍA: I see.

UPRIGHT: And I have to tell you, Representative, people find this kind of negative attitude very unattractive, especially on camera, which also adds ten pounds.

TALVEZ-TODAVÍA: It makes sense that people watching a news show wouldn’t want to experience negativity.  

UPRIGHT: Yes, please keep that in mind. When we come back, Buff will join our other round table regulars, syndicated columnist and author of When Republicans Wore Nice Suits, Peoni Doyenne, and Democratic consultant, New York Times contributor, and author of Bring Back the Marquess of Queensberry and The Comity Chronicles, Chafe Dramaturgy; they’ll discuss President Trump’s always-entertaining antics in court, and whether they can work for you when you find yourself before the bench. Stay tuned!

 [Swooping-swushing noise, music; the camera soars up and away, and we can briefly view TALVEZ-TODAVÍA holding a wincing TOEHOLD in a hammerlock before the show goes to a commercial.]