Bari among the people

The people of the land, the common clay

© 2009 Bellczar used under a Creative Commons license

[Cancel culture crybaby BARI WEISS, dressed in a crispy white blouse, modest black skirt, and sensible shoes, is interviewing the staff of the Trump Winter White House staff on premises in Gulchville, Kentucky: MAISIE BELLE, who wears a MAGA hat, white skirt, black blouse with a white doily collar, soiled apron, and black clodhoppers; her granddaughter BENZEDRINE, wearing a bikini top, a short black skirt, and clodhoppers; and SUGG, a sullen local youth, with long, greasy hair and full beard, overalls, a grey t-shirt, and Vans. Only WEISS wears a mask.]

WEISS: So I want to get this straight. You all worked for President Trump, yet all of you acknowledge that Joe Biden won the election.

MAISIE BELLE: ‘Course we do. Ev’ybody knowed Pres’dent Trump were gawn ta’ lose. ‘Sides, when they was still co’nting th’ votes, we cawl him up an’ we ast him if mebbe he waunted t’ come down heah an’ lay low fo’ couple days, ‘cawsa tha shame, an’ he stouted hollerin’ real lahd with lauts a’ bad langidge, an’ thet’s how I knowed he lawst fo’ sho’.

WEISS: So, I see some common ground here! This is what my newsletter is all about — those of us who are neither left nor right, who share common values and comity. Back in my terrible, effete part of the country, you know, everybody is very effete, and they think all the Trump people, such as yourselves, don’t even know he lost the election.

BENZEDRINE: Hwat you say abaht feet?

WEISS: Effete, Benzedrine. That means they don’t know ordinary people like you as well as —well, as I do, because you see I’m originally from Pittsburgh.

[WEISS looks around, sees this means nothing to them.]

You know, like Salena Zito! She’s very well acquainted with the common people of the [pronounces laboriously] Mo-non-ga-hela Valley. And they’re very much like you — good, honest people who don’t let effete people pressure them into pretending to believe things they don’t believe, like Medicare for All or the 1619 Project.

MAISIE BELLE: Nahce o’ you ta say.

BENZEDRINE: Reason ah ast is ‘cohs thet Dawn Jewn-yer, he lahked to rub awn mah feet with his willy, which ah let him do foh a hunerd bucks. See, he was mad when he heard ‘baht that Huntah Bahden, how he gawt hisself a foot jawb, an’ he waunted one hisself ril bad so ah give it to ‘im.

SUGG: I tole you you shoulda ast for mo’!

BENZEDRINE: Aw, you hesh, Sugg Miller, hit were late an’ warn’t in tha’ mood and ‘sides, he mighta ast gramma fo’ it if’n ah din’t act quick.

MAISIE BELLE: An’ ah woulda, too!

[MAISIE BELLE, BENZEDRINE, and SUGG laugh like the dickens.]

WEISS: [Grandly] That sort of thing doesn’t interest me.

BENZEDRINE: I might could tell yew abaht Pres’dent Trump then, an’ hah he paid me ta suck an’ rub ohn his scraggly dick whilst ah was wearin’ a wig an’ sayin’ oooh daddy ah’m a good girl.

WEISS: Ugh! No! This is beneath you!

BENZEDRINE: Well hwut-all is yew heah fo’ then anyways?

WEISS: I’m searching for common ground! Things that people like you and people like me have in common. I mean for one thing you and I aren’t trying to cancel everything.

MAISIE BELLE: Caincel? You mean lahk a stamp ohn a lettah?

WEISS: Ugh, no! I mean like for instance the horrible way Twitter banned the President from posting, just because they claimed he trying to stir up an insurrection. Which is crazy, right?

BENZEDRINE: He ain’ awn Twittah no mo’?

MAISIE BELLE: Ah’ll be switched.

SUGG: Hwut he gawna do wi’ hisself awl day?

MAISIE BELLE: Prolly eat hisse’f ta deff.

SUGG: Or have a haht attack. Y’all see how red he git when he trah to do sumpin’ stren’ous, lahk tah his shoe?

BENZEDRINE: Well ah wisht he’d-a come awn dahn heah, ah could use tha money.

SUGG: Hol’ awn, Miz Wise — you say sumpin’ ‘baht a insurrecshin?

WEISS: Oh, well, you know, like that childish little demonstration last week, when those poor, confused people marched into the Capitol with their confederate flags.

[The Kentuckians grow excited.]

SUGG: Cornfedrit flags!

WEISS: You didn’t see it on TV?

SUGG: Hail no, I were on a meth binge.

BENZEDRINE: Me too!

MAISIE BELLE: Nah ya mentions it, I saw’d it but I thawt it were a movie. Thet were fo’ real?

SUGG: Was they rilly mahchin’ behahnd th’ Stahs an’ Bahs, Miz Wise?

WEISS: Oh! Yes, I thought you knew.

SUGG: [Exultant] Hallelujah! Th’ South shall rahz agin!

MAISIE BELLE: [Looking around] Wheah’s mah Stahs an’ Bahs at? Think I gawt it in granpappy’s ol’ trunk. [Goes to look]

SUGG: Ah’m-a goin’ ta th’ depot get us tickets to Woashin’ton fo’ tha insurrecshin. Wait’ll ah tells mah pappy! He been bustin’ fo’ a reason ta weah his Klan suit. [Rushes out]

WEISS: Well, this is not going the way I expected at all!

BENZEDRINE: [Whispering] Hey Miz Wise — you gimme fitty bucks, I woan’ tell ‘em you’s a Jew.

[BLACKOUT.]