Deal with it

Another day in the New Normal

[The Oval Office. White House Chief of Staff MICK MULVANEY is standing at the corner cabinet where TRUMP keeps his formula, and is apparently just snorting that shit up. TRUMP enters.]

TRUMP: What the hell are you doing?

[Pause as MULVANEY wipes his nose and puts the box back.]

MULVANEY: What’s it look like I'm doing?

[TRUMP shoves him out of the way.]

TRUMP: You got some nerve, you know that?

[TRUMP grabs the box and takes it to the Resolute Desk; points at MULVANEY]

You better not be using my desk, ass-face. That’s for presidential business.

[MULVANEY rubs his hands together.]

MULVANEY: Cold in here.

TRUMP: No it’s not.

MULVANEY: It's freezing! They should have the heat on.

TRUMP: What the fuck is wrong with you? I say it’s not cold!

[TRUMP sits and starts chopping up the formula. MULVANEY goes to TRUMP, looks closely at him.]

MULVANEY: You told them to keep it cold. You feel hot all the time now, is that it? Should I call Bornstein?

TRUMP: No. And by the way you’re supposed to call me sir.

MULVANEY: Sir sir sir sir sir. There. You happy?

TRUMP: Look, just because you had to eat a little shit today doesn’t mean —

MULVANEY: [Loud] A little shit? I ate a goddamn seven-course dinner!

TRUMP: [Loud] Don’t yell! You don’t yell, I yell!

[TRUMP takes out a metal tube and snorts formula.]

MULVANEY: [A little less loud] That was the worst thing I ever had to do in my life and I’m from South Carolina. Nikki Haley made me take my dick out once.

TRUMP: Really?

MULVANEY: She did it to all the guys. She said, “After that Will Folks shit I could suck your dick at Fort Sumter and they’d still think I was a nun. Now let’s see that pig!”

[TRUMP lays out some more lines.]

TRUMP: That’s disgusting!

MULVANEY: You’re telling me!

TRUMP: Did she suck it?

MULVANEY: No! She just wanted to humiliate me! She laughed and walked away!

TRUMP: That bitch! And I sent her to the UN!

MULVANEY: I know! [Quietly] Did you really make her rub your feet?

TRUMP: What? Oh yeah. No, that was some bullshit I told the Irishman. I don’t know why. Felt like it, I guess.

MULVANEY: But you’d tell me, wouldn't you, if you did? Sir? Please, I have so little in my life.

TRUMP: Oh, Christ. Sure, she rubbed my feet, she jerked me off. She jerked me off on her face.

MULVANEY: Now you’re just playing with me!

TRUMP: Hey, sit down, do a couple lines with your president.

[MULVANEY pulls up a chair, sits, as TRUMP does another line.]

MULVANEY: No fooling, sir, have you seen Dr. Conley lately, because I’m a little worried about the temperature thing.

TRUMP: [Sniffling] You know I think Bornstein changed this shit up again. For a while it was just keeping me awake, but now I’m, I don’t know, it’s like I'm having hallucinations.

MULVANEY: What do you mean?

[MULVANEY takes out a twenty-dollar bill, rolls it up.]

TRUMP: Well, like I had this idea I said something about killing the Kurds.

MULVANEY: Wow.

TRUMP: You look surprised.

MULVANEY: I’m just impressed you know who they are.

[MULVANEY does a line.]

TRUMP: Of course I know who they are! They're the suckers I traded to Erdogan for a nice fat payday.

MULVANEY: [Sniffling] So you did kill them.

TRUMP: Look, things happen, but in the dream I told people I killed them.

MULVANEY: Instead of saying they had to be cleaned out.

TRUMP: Yeah, cleaned out, that's what I said! I said they had to be cleaned out. How’d you know?

MULVANEY: You did say that, sir.

TRUMP: What do you mean?

MULVANEY: You said on television “they had to have it cleaned out.”

TRUMP: I did?

MULVANEY: Yeah.

TRUMP: Huh. Well, things happen.

MULVANEY: Maybe you didn’t mean the Kurds though.

[TRUMP does another line.]

No offense, sir, but you say a lot of crazy shit. So when you said they had to have it cleaned out —

TRUMP: What the fuck d’you think I was talking about, Roto-Rooter? Don’t worry about it, it’s been a long day. It’s late.

MULVANEY: It's four o'clock in the afternoon.

TRUMP: Oooh, yeah, time for my prostitute. So, you feel better about the hotel thing now, right.

MULVANEY: Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later.

TRUMP: Listen, it’s a big payday for everyone. You get a piece too.

MULVANEY: [Wearily] I can't take a piece, sir, that’s bribery, should I repeat that more clearly, do you have a tape recorder going.

TRUMP: It’s not my tape recording we have to worry about. [Points at desk] That last line’s for you.

MULVANEY: I feel a little hyper, sir, so with your permission —

TRUMP: Wait, I got one more thing for you. In about an hour I need you to go to the briefing room, tell the press I'm selling Grant’s Tomb to Putin.

[Pause.]

MULVANEY: Are you joking?

TRUMP: Nope. 50 billion. I get a taste, of course.

MULVANEY: 50 billion dollars?

TRUMP: That’s right.

MULVANEY: Not rubles?

[Pause.]

TRUMP: Tell the truth, he wasn’t clear. But it’s still a nice piece of change.

MULVANEY: What do I tell them —

[TRUMP gets up.]

TRUMP: I don’t know, some shit. Just tell ‘em to deal with it.

MULVANEY: I said that this afternoon!

TRUMP: So say it again. Get ‘em used to it.

[TRUMP heads out the door.]

It's not like I’m gonna stop.

[TRUMP leaves. Pause. MULVANEY picks up the formula box.]

MULVANEY: [To himself] It’s not like they search me. I could put it in here and no one would know.

[His eyes widen; he looks around the room.]

Oops! Just kidding.

[BLACKOUT]