[Oval Office. JARED KUSHNER stands in front of TRUMP, who is seated at his desk, fiddling with his phone. Time passes. Finally:]
TRUMP: You’ve been standing there for 10 minutes. What’s on your mind?
JARED: Well, first of all, that wasn’t 10 minutes.
TRUMP: I’m President and I say it was ten minutes.
JARED: You always do this, but this time I turned on the stopwatch on my iPhone! [Takes it out of his suit pocket, looks at it; dismayed] Shit, it turned off by itself! Stupid thing!
[JARED throws the iPhone across the room.]
TRUMP: [Puts down phone, points at JARED] Okay, first of all, you watch your mouth in the Oval Office. Okay? Second, no throwing things.
JARED: I’m sorry, Dad.
TRUMP: That’s another thing. Cut the Dad business.
JARED: What do you mean?
TRUMP: Jared, son-in-law is what they call a ceremonial title. I have two sons and two daughters. It’s a good balance. I don’t want to throw that all out of wack.
JARED: Oh, that’s ridiculous!
TRUMP: Plus which I don’t think of you as a son. You’re more like some kind of, I don’t know, ostrich or giraffe my daughter married for some reason. Maybe she did it to spite me, or maybe it was a joke that got out of hand.
JARED: [looks hurt; wanly] What... how could you... how could you say that...
TRUMP: [shrugs, plays with his phone] Well, you forced me into it. Look, you want some M&Ms? They always make me feel better. We have a bunch of them over at the Eisenhower Building. Say hi to Pence for me. Tell him I said he should keep his mouth shut if he knows what’s good for him.
JARED: [hotly, through tears] I’ve been more like a son to you than Donny and Eric! We talk business!
TRUMP: I talk business with the boys.
JARED: Yeah, you talk business! They don't talk business, they don’t know what business even is! They go “yes sir” and “no sir” and then they go out and get cigars and hookers and bitch about how they can’t kill elephants any more ‘cause “Dad” will get mad at them.
TRUMP: [Looks up from the phone] Hey! Language!
JARED: I'm sorry, D — I mean, Mr. Trump, I mean Mr. President but damn it, it makes me mad how they exploit you! You know what they were talking about the other day, at Mar-a-Lago? How big a pile of money they were going to burn when you died just because it would be cool to do! Donny said, “I bet we could burn a six-foot-high pile of money and we’d still be rich” and Eric said, “yeah and when the cops came and said you’re not allowed to burn leaves we'd say ‘guess what we’re not burning leaves, we’re burning money, you stupid cop!’ and then we’d tell them to go jump in the lake,” and then Donny said, “‘Go jump in the lake,’ what a queer thing to say, are you a queer,’” and then they started wrestling and it was pathetic, like they were just trying to comb each other's hair with their fingers —
[TRUMP hits a button and almost immediately three SECRET SERVICE AGENTS lunge through the doors and surround JARED, who holds his forearms up and flaps his hands spasmodically.]
JARED: Ahhhhh! Ahhhhhhh!
TRUMP: Okay guys, that’s enough.
[The SECRET SERVICE AGENTS leave. Jared’s hands are pressed tight against his chest; he is panting.]
TRUMP: Look, Jared, you got a head for business but — and this is valuable advice I'm giving you here, by the way, you should listen to me — you can’t take things personally. People treated me like shit for years, I let it go. When Obama made fun of me I let it go. Now look at me. I don’t know what the hell you were doing when you bought 666, but I assume you weren’t in your right mind. Am I right? Someone piss you off that day?
JARED: [Slowly getting back his breath] My dad... my real dad… he thought I was stupid... I wanted him… I wanted him to think I was smart.
TRUMP: [Shakes his head] Sad story. Hey, here’s something that’ll take your mind off. [Clicks on the TV.] You see that girl?
JARED: [Staring at the TV, then at TRUMP] That’s Heather Nauert from Fox.
TRUMP: Whattaya think? Pretty hot, right? Even to a young kid like you? Reminds me of a young Markie Post. You know, I banged her.
JARED: [Looking at TRUMP] Ewwww!
TRUMP: No, it was good. I think she knew I was gonna do something nice for her. Well, sometimes they get lucky. Long story short, I’m making her U.N. Ambassador.
JARED: Yes, I heard! That’s —
JARED: Mr. President —
TRUMP: [Still not paying attention] It’ll be like I’m fucking royalty. The kind of hookers you get all the time, that’s for the boys. But when you’re a man you want classy broads. Like JFK had Marilyn Monroe. But I bet even he never —
JARED: Dad! That’s why I came here! What about our deal?
TRUMP: What deal? I don’t recall any deal.
JARED: You said you had something big for me
TRUMP: I told you to go wait in the stairwell.
JARED: And I did! I waited there for hours! Don’t you remember? The guards finally told me to go home. I did it because you told me to. No one else would do that for you. No one!
[JARED looks like he’s about to cry again. TRUMP turns off the TV, comes out from behind the desk and stands near JARED.]
TRUMP: I wouldn’t worry about it, son. You know there are even bigger things coming up. Ambassador is a girl’s job anyway. You know I met that Daniel Moynahan, he was a sissy.
JARED: Bigger things?
TRUMP: Yeah, sure.
JARED: Like maybe — but I heard you were going to make that old Bush guy Attorney General.
TRUMP: Not a done deal. I thought the funeral would make it a smart move, and they did get some name acts, but the ratings weren’t what we expected.
JARED: So... it’s open is what you’re saying.
TRUMP: I’ll see what I can do. Now how about you go get those M&Ms?
JARED: Oh, sure! Sure I will! Thanks a lot... Dad.
TRUMP: [Waves] You too.
TRUMP: What a fucking idiot.
[TRUMP goes back behind the desk, turns the footage of Heather Nauert back on, and picks up the red phone.]
TRUMP: Yeah, tell Bill Barr it’s okay, and move up my two o’clock hooker.