Ecumental

Have a Nicaea day!

[The large, vaulted hangar that is X headquarters in San Francisco, as described in previous episodes. Standing behind his desk, ELON MUSK is dressed as a crusader – or rather, in grey skinny jeans let out considerably at the waist, an extra-long white t-shirt (over a regular white T to hide his nipples) with a long Christian cross painted on the chest, over which is draped a long vest of ultralight chain mail, and on his head a black Skid Lid with a white cross painted in front. Walking with apparent trepidation toward MUSK’s desk, looking back and around every so often at the cavernous, unpopulated space, is ex-Presidential son-in-law JARED KUSHNER, wearing a Kiton blue cashmere double-breasted suit with Marsèll blue cassapelle sneakers.]

MUSK: [holding his arms out in a manner meant to show welcome, but looking more like someone trying to scare off a bear] Jared! Welcome to X! Welcome, shalom, gut yontif! Have a seat!

[MUSK drops his arms, smacks with his hands several spots on his desk, some of which have buttons.]

What can I get you? The answer is anything! Food, drink, drugs, anything! Name it, name it!

JARED: [taking a seat, still looking around] Um, thank you, some water would be nice.

MUSK: [Yelling at a box on the desk] You hear that, morons! Eau por Jared Kushner!

JARED: Why did your people frisk me when I came in?

MUSK: They do that to everyone. These are dark times. What if you were Hamas?

JARED: What are you talking about?

[A FACTOTUM wheels a little cart with a chiller full of Antipodes still water bottles and a glass of ice cubes to JARED, then runs off. JARED does not drink it.]

MUSK: Sure, we know you’re supposed to be Jared Kushner, and who knows, you probably are. But what if we’re wrong? Like the places that look like hospitals but turn out to be Hamas headquarters, and the refugee camps, quote unquote? BANG! We’re all dead! The only way we can trust each other is to totally mistrust each other! You get it, right?

JARED: Why are you wearing that weird outfit with crosses on it?

MUSK: [Sits] Jared, I speak to you today as a representative of my race. Well, OK, we’re both white, I mean of my creed, which is Christianity. Really I’m the best man for the job. The Pope — so-called! — is a communist, and what big Protestant has any balls, I mean who among them commands space and the ground as SpaceX and Tesla do! Are you sure you don’t want any drugs, because I tell you, the drugs I’m on right now are GAHHHH!

JARED: Eww. No thank you.

MUSK: And who better than you to speak for the Jewish people! [Small pause] Really, I’m asking. Who better? Because we can call that person up, and get him in a car right now.

JARED: I don’t know. Some big rabbi? I’m not really observant.

MUSK: Don’t sell yourself short! I bet you see a lot of things.

JARED: No, I mean I don’t pray or observe the Sabbath or have mezuzahs or any of that stuff. I think you want a holy man? Or maybe Netanyahu?

MUSK: [Like a movie villain] Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha! Bibi is fucked! He may already be dead as we speak!

JARED: [With real surprise] What! How? What do you know!

[JARED stands up, agitated, babbling.]

Did Trump set this up? Is this the purge? He can’t kill me! I have papers in a vault, dangerous papers, papers that if I die people will know —

MUSK: Shh shhh shhh shhh. No, nobody’s killing anybody. Please. Sit down.

[KUSHNER does so.]

No, Jared, I mean Bibi might kill himself. Wouldn’t you, in his place? Everyone hates him. He’s going to prison. He did what he thought was the smart thing — he made it easier for Trump to win by making Biden back Israel and stripping the youth vote from him. But that was a gamble because — well, I’m doing all the talking, you tell me, why was that a gamble?

KUSHNER: [Folding his arms] Well… I’m not saying all that’s true, mind you… but… if Bibi did that for Dad? He had to know Dad would only reciprocate if… well…

MUSK: [Nodding] If there was something in it for him.

KUSHNER: So, why are you talking to me instead of Trump?

MUSK: Jared. Bobby! [Squints] Bibby? Bubb-ee? What is the –

KUSHNER: Bubby? Are you trying to —

MUSK: Booby! Thank you! The only way Israel gets what it wants is if it presents a united front. And by that I mean: A united front with the big American Jews. But so many of them you can’t count on. How many of them were at the rally in Washington? What big names? Debra Messing? Really? They had to get that crazy preacher Hagee to pad the bill. Chuck Schumer! Is that who you want representing the Jewish people?

KUSHNER: So, if I understand you, I’m supposed to represent all the Jews in America — and I’m supposed to put something together with you to get Trump to save Netanyahu. Is that right?

MUSK: Or not. Maybe you decide you want to kill him, that’s OK. Maybe you want Jon Lovitz to be prime minister. I talked to him about it, by the way, he says he’ll do it.

KUSHNER: OK, except if I represent the Jews in America, then why am I talking to you?

[Pause.]

Because I mean, you’re rich, but there’s like a hundred gentiles who are more Christian, like why not Mike Johnson? I mean that guy’s really Christian, like, scary Christian. Mainly what’s Christian about you is, you retweeted some antisemitism.

[MUSK stands up, mad.]

MUSK: Hey! I banned a lot of Palestinian stuff! That makes it even!

KUSHNER: How do I even know if you and I made a deal the goyim would respect it?

MUSK: Goyim? Who’s Goyim?

[KUSHNER stands up.]

KUSHNER: So, thanks for the water, but this just doesn’t make any sense, I’m gonna go.

MUSK: Fuck you, you kike bastard, you’ll do as I say!

[A bunch of laser pointer dots appear on KUSHNER’s body, which KUSHNER notices.]

You’re in my territory now, Jew boy. Ha ha ha! I thought you people were supposed to be cunning. I can’t believe you were stupid enough to come in here unarmed.

KUSHNER: Oh yeah?

[Suddenly a bunch of laser pointer dots appear on MUSK’s body and desk, which MUSK notices.]

See, there’s something you don’t know, Elon; you would, if you got your news from someplace other than Twitter.

MUSK: [forlornly] It’s X!

KUSHNER: You may be the world’s richest man on paper. But I got Saudi money. And if anyone’s gonna decide what happens next in Israel — or in America — it won’t be you.

[KUSHNER turns and walks away. Pause. MUSK is stupefied. Then, suddenly, he screams:]

MUSK: Druhhhhhgs! Bring me druhhhhhhhhgs!

[FACTOTA rush onto the scene; some spray MUSK’s face with many differently-colored mists, while others stand behind and beside him to make sure he doesn’t collapse. MUSK’s look of stupefaction takes on a dreamier aspect; he gently wafts in place like seaweed on the ocean floor. CURTAIN.]