From a whisper to a scream

If everybody knows, we don't have to prove it

BOLT UPRIGHT: Good evening, I’m Bolt Upright, and this is Received Opinion.

[Music. Screen behind UPRIGHT: Limited-animation cartoon of Joe Biden in pajamas and old-fashioned night cap, drooling and wavering in place, next to a cartoon of Donald Trump in a Superman-type outfit with a “DT” emblem on his chest, breaking cinder blocks with his fists. Chyron: SLEEPY V. SUPER.]

It looks like more bad news for Joe Biden and the Democrats. While former President Donald Trump smashes his way to victory in the Republican primaries, our soggy droopy-drawers president dribbles and dodders like that guy in that show — [Pause] Sorry, there was supposed to be a pop culture reference there. But see for yourself –

[UPRIGHT ostentatiously looks off-camera to suggest he is looking at a screen. INSERT of several clips of Biden going “uhhhh,” “errrrrr,” and “ah, ah, I’ma, ah, what,” etc. Camera back to UPRIGHT.]

Our Commander in Sheesh! Meanwhile Donald Trump presented a stark contrast in his dynamic speech Saturday night to thousands of fans at the Sasquatch Race Track in Pissywah, Kentucky:

[Looking-off-camera bit; INSERT of TRUMP, looking burnt umber, in blue suit and MAGA hat, standing on an outdoor stage surrounded by a bunch of other people in MAGA hats.]

TRUMP: They’re gonna take away your batteries, you know about this? Your beautiful batteries, the D. The C. The F. The seven, I wanna say, seventeen — what’s that? Ninety volts. Big powerful batteries, batteries you can put in your car. You do put them in your car. Not like those electric cars, that’s a bunch of crap. [Lone “boo”] Alright, wise guy. I know. There’s that guy Elon. He makes a hell of a car, doesn’t he? [Smattering of applause and shrieks] Not like those electric cars, these are super powered railroad spike, diamond, they got somethin’ in ‘em, that’s that Elon, what he does, Elon Grape. Where was I going with this? Batteries! You know, they… last night… they put a great man in jail… a great man, you all know him… they said because of a salt. A salt and a battery. Assault and battery. So-called. Because he tried to defend his family. Like Charles Bronson. Death Wish. I got a death wish, there’s a lot of people I wish I could kill, and you know what, folks, we’re gonna kill ‘em [Crowd roars], all of ‘em, immigrants, communists, the media, the, the [Crescendo of screams, cheers, gunfire] Zelensky, Sharansky, the, the, the guys in the hats, I, we’re gonna kill, kill, kill and we’re gonna kill again and make America Grape!

[Back to UPRIGHT. In the background at their “Situation Desk” are the usual crew: superannuated PEONI DOYENNE, wearing a Lafayette 148 New York floral jacquard jacket and skirt and pearls; middle-aged chucklefuck CHAFE DRAMATURGY, wearing a fluorescent blue suit of some kind of thick material and a cream turtleneck, his white hair tousled like Leonard Bernstein’s; and hangdog BUFF TOEHOLD, wearing an expensive charcoal grey suit specifically designed to make him look like a moderately successful car dealer.]

UPRIGHT: We let that go on longer than I intended, someone’s gonna get fired, ha ha, no one wants to work. But this is the kind of mesmerizing display that’s got many people saying that Joe Biden should just shuffle off to a rest home and let somebody else take his place on the ticket –

TOEHOLD: [Hollering off mic] Michelle Obama!

UPRIGHT: [Without looking at TOEHOLD] Sorry, Buff, you’re a little early —

TOEHOLD: [Still off mic] Michelle Obama! I told you to say Michelle Obama! Chafe, say it for me!

DRAMATURGY: [Also off mic — archly] uh, Michelle Obama, you happy?

[DOYENNE giggles. UPRIGHT purses his lips. DRAMATURGY makes a tippling gesture.]

TOEHOLD: This is bias, this is media bias! You’re supposed to say Michelle Obama! Michelle —

UPRIGHT: [Walking to the Decision Desk] OK, Buff, what’s this about Michelle Obama.

[The others are now fully mic’d up. TOEHOLD is clearly slurring his words.]

TOEHOLD: It doesn’t work if I say it! You know, Bolt. We feed it to you and you say you heard it somewhere and then I come in and say I heard it too! Now it looks like I’m the only one who’s saying it!

UPRIGHT: [Wryly to the camera] A typical free and frank discussion here on Received Opinion.

[TOEHOLD ducks behind the Decision Desk.]

DOYENNE: Bolt, while I can’t say I’ve heard that particular name, I can say that among the movers and shakers in Washington that the rumor is that some say there are whispers that it’s being said in the inner circles of the Democrat Party — and you didn’t hear this from me — that certain names have been advanced to replace the ailing Joe Biden.

DRAMATURGY: Ailing! Peoni, this is the first I’m hearing Joe Biden is ailing, and I’m an inner-circle Democrat.

DOYENNE: You have to go to all the parties, Chafe, not just the Democrat parties.

DRAMATURGY: I thought you said this was the inner circles of the Democrat Party.

DOYENNE: Well, the real inner circle Democrats go to the inner circle Republican parties.

DRAMATURGY: I know! I go to those too!

DOYENNE: [Slightly rattled] Yes… yes, I suppose you do, Chafe, but…

DRAMATURGY: Yes, you know I do, Peoni, you see me there. So what are you talking about? I know you’d never make up something as serious as that. At least I thought I did.

DOYENNE: Really, Chafe!

DRAMATURGY: Well, I’m sorry but what can I think? After all, when you accuse a fellow on not being in the inner circles —

DOYENNE: [Flustered, near tears] Oh, Balzac, Chafe, you know it was you who told me Pete Buttigieg!

[DRAMATURGY is stunned to silence. DOYENNE buries her face in her hands, unable to look at him.]

UPRIGHT: Well, that’s quite the scoop! Or it would be if it weren’t completely unsourced.

[TOEHOLD emerges from behind the desk, his hair askew, pulling himself up with difficulty.]

TOEHOLD: [Roaring] Ha! Buttigieg! Butty-Jug! A sissy! That’s almost as good as a black lady!

[TOEHOLD makes an “L” on his forehead, grinds his pelvis, sings:]

Na na na na! Na na na na! Hey hey! Goodb –

[TOEHOLD falls into his chair which falls over backwards. DOYENNE and DRAMATURGY leap to their feet and run off in different directions. Cut to closeup on UPRIGHT.]

UPRIGHT: Another day of explosive revelations. When we come back, Senator Tom Cotton of Arkansas and Senator John Kennedy of Louisiana will tell us how they prayed together and won President Trump the coveted Jesus Christ endorsement.

[Music, camera spins up and out, Massengill commercial.]