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Voices of a new Republican generation!
[A suitably garish video-pinball Fox News set for a Republican Presidential Candidates’ Debate, with all the gang at their podia.]
BRET BAIER: Candidates, today is September 11, aka nine-eleven, when we all promised to Never Forget. That was in 2001. Have Americans forgotten 9/11 and if so, what must we as Republicans do about it? Vice-President Pence.
PENCE: Well, Bret, September 11, 2001 was a very dark day for our country, when we were attacked on our native soil by the forces of a dark and evil philosophy known as radical Islamic… Islamicism. That we have not been attacked since is a tribute to President Trump, with whom I proudly served. But now only luck and the grace of God protect us, and as President I –
VIVEK RAMASWAMY: I’m sorry, I just have to interrupt. I can’t listen to this man talk about 9/11 as if it were a settled issue when we still don’t know how many federal agents were on those planes and how the Saudis were involved.
PENCE: How dare you, sir.
BAIER: Mr. Ramaswamy, when the Atlantic quoted you saying that exact same thing last month, you claimed you were misquoted.
RAMASWAMY: No I didn’t.
BAIER: You did, your spokesperson is on tape —
RAMASWAMY: Look, instead of fighting over who said what, can’t we all agree that 9/11 is something we just don’t know about, like COVID vaccines, flying saucers, and the moon landing?
PENCE: I repeat, how dare you, sir? I can’t believe I’m hearing this at a Republican debate. You sound more like some drug-addled hippie —
RAMASWAMY: Listen, old man, everyone knows they only let you be in the debate so we can all laugh at you and how old and irrelevant you are!
RAMASWAMY: [Making a “give me more” upward motion with both hands] Right? Right?
PENCE: Sputter, sputter.
[CHRIS CHRISTIE charges RAMASWAMY but before the Secret Service can get to him he trips on a wire and collapses, causing a full thirty seconds of audience laughter and a smattering of applause as he is led from the stage.]
NIKKI HALEY: Well, what I can’t believe is none of you men besides Chris Christie and Mike Pence will speak up for the thousands of Americans who died on 9/11.
RAMASWAMY: Let’s be real, Nikki you’re —
RAMASWAMY: — you’re just mad, hysterical I might say, because I’m the only one talking about how the Saudis worked with Bill Clinton and George Soros and who knows who else to blow up those buildings.
MARTHA MacCALLUM: What?
HALEY: What are you even —
RAMASWAMY: [To crowd, pointing at HALEY]: This woman is a big fan of the Saudis. She wants us to be friends with them, and Ukraine and probably Africa.
HALEY: Saudi Arabia is an American ally. And they share our values. You don’t see drag queens story hour and trans people on the streets of Riyadh, I can tell you that.
RAMASWAMY: It’s not about values, it’s about all you people [points to all the candidates], all of you being part of the Saudi Soros Deep State McGillicuddy.
BAIER: I’m sorry, I didn’t —
RON DeSANTIS: I agree 100% about the Saudis and their values. And I’ll tell you something else. Whatever you want to say about Saddam Hussein, he knew how to deal with homosexual activists and CRT.
AUDIENCE: [Cheers, until they remember who he is.]
TIM SCOTT: Well, wait a minute, Governor, you have to remember that Saddam Hussein, the Saudis, Osama bin whatever-his-name was — none of these people were Christians.
RAMASWAMY: Well, so what? I’m a Hindu, but all the great religions, Christianity, Judaism, Islam, all agree on one great principle: Homosexuals and transexuals cannot be allowed to exist.
AUDIENCE: [Gratified applause. MIKE PENCE walks off the stage; a few beer cans are thrown at him.]
DeSANTIS: I’ll tell you something else about the Saudis and Iraqis and all those people who may or may not have had something to do with 9/11 — whatever it was —and that’s their hatred of New York City, which I believe we all share.
[Audience and candidates all make agreement noises.]
And let’s face it — New York is a violent death wish CRT wokescape — maybe all those people were killed in a drug war.
SCOTT: Or a mugging!
ASA HUTCHINSON: I saw a video on Twitter of a bunch of drug addicts on a city street and it said that all of New York is like that now.
DeSANTIS: Really, who cares what happens to a bunch of liberals in New York?
DOUG BURGUM: Well, the terrorists also attacked the Pentagon.
RAMASWAMY: The woke Pentagon! To hell with them too.
BAIER: I judge by the relative quiet that you all either agree or are too afraid to say you don’t, so why don’t we move —
HALEY: I would just like to add that I’m sure President Trump agrees with us and I agree with him.
[The other candidates volubly agree, some of them repeating HALEY’s words verbatim. Suddenly RUDY GIULIANI, wearing a rumpled green three-piece suit that makes him look like a malign leprechaun, runs onstage, a bottle of Scotch in one fist and trails of brown dye running down his forehead.]
GIULIANI: [Sings that awful Daryl Worley song] HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN WHEN THE WORLD STOPPED TURNING —
[Thence ensues loud booing and throwing of objects — beer cans, cigarette cartons, MAGA hats, spent cartridges — until GIULIANI is completely buried.]
GIULIANI: [Thought balloon over the pile of rubble in which he is encased] Guess I better start checking out the warm-up acts.
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