New worlds to conquer

Here we may reign secure, and in my choyce

© 2011 ImagineCup used under a Creative Commons license

[A large room like the inside of a giant overturned canoe. At one end is MICHAEL BLOOMBERG, sitting on an ornate throne and wearing a multicolored robe and a golden crown. Several SAMOANS in ordinary clothing are gathered around him.]

A SAMOAN: But we already have a Governor and a Lieutenant Governor, Mr. Bloomberg.

BLOOMBERG: “Your highness” is how you will address me.

ANOTHER SAMOAN: But you don’t have any authority.

THIRD SAMOAN: You just have this big room that you rented from a StarKist executive.

BLOOMBERG: Not true. I bought it.

A SAMOAN: You can’t own land here if you don’t have at least fifty percent Samoan blood.

[BLOOMBERG stands.]

BLOOMBERG: I don’t think you gentlemen understand. I am your king now! I am the winner of the Democratic Primary for American Samoa. That makes me your king.

A SAMOAN: Dude, no one is listening to you.

BLOOMBERG: No? Well, money talks.

[BLOOMBERG reaches into the pockets of his robe, throws handful of cash into the crowd. The SAMOANS grab for it.]

All large bills, gentlemen, and plenty more where those came from. Now listen to your king. Currently our government is under the authority of the President of the United States. But my cat’s-paws in Congress have prepared a bill that will remove us from that authority. Don’t worry, he’ll sign it — he won’t know what it is and there’ll be a bribe attached. That will leave me entirely in charge and, using my vast fortune, I will amass weapons for America Samoa — or, as we will then be known, Bloombergia. Tactical weapons and nuclear weapons! Then the United States will be forced to reckon with us.

ANOTHER SAMOAN: That’s crazy!

[People begin to vocally agree but BLOOMBERG throws more cash, silencing them.]

BLOOMBERG: As I was saying. Trump will be forced to reckon with us — or Biden, if he’s lucky. And both of them are so weak and stupid, either will be putty in my hands. With Trump I only have to appeal to his greed — offer him a few paltry million for a worthless casino that will never be built. And Biden will be even easier — all I have to do is flatter him and tell him what a great thing he’s done for American business in stopping the Red Menace. I can feel my tax burden growing lighter already.

[BLOOMBERG gestures dramatically.]

Putty in my hands! And all I require from you gentlemen is what I required of New Yorkers — your silent complicity.

[Silence.]

Alright then. Come back tomorrow — I’ll refill my robe.

[The SAMOANS file out; one runs back to pick a stray $100 off the floor. CURTAIN.]

See also Part 2, “Trouble in American Samoa,” and Part 3, “The Emperor Mike.”