Trouble in American Samoa

King Bloomberg addresses his subjects

[A great timber-frame hall, even grander than the one where we last saw former New York City Mayor and Democratic presidential contender MICHAEL BLOOMBERG addressing his subjects after declaring himself King of American Samoa. The vast hall is empty except for BLOOMBERG, dressed in some kind of a caftan, sitting on a great wicker throne; two girls in sarongs fanning him unenthusiastically with giant talipot fans; and, seated on the floor around him, eight or nine guys dressed like extras from Donovan’s Reef. This scene is lit by flaming torches.]

BLOOMBERG: The Council will come to order! Since the beginning of my reign, a few short months ago, much has happened here in the islands known for the moment as American Samoa. Our economy has quintupled thanks to wise investments by Bloomberg L.P. Where once your people dressed like schmoes from Missouri, they are now arrayed in finery from Brooks Brothers, Abercrombie and Fitch, and Brioni.

[BLOOMBERG rises, struts around.]

But a great nation does not measure its greatness only in riches. While the American government plays its childish war games at the Pele Army Reserve Center, nearby, invisible to the authorities and undetectable by radar, on my private island lair my henchmen build the world’s largest private nuclear arsenal — soon to be the arsenal of a mighty nation — the Nation of Bloomberg Samoa!

[Pause.]

Clap, goddamnit!

[The COUNCIL clap. BLOOMBERG gestures dramatically.]

Together with my global mercenary army, soon we will be the rival of most of the world’s armed forces — yes, even that of the United States, once Trump gets through with it! Then there’ll be only the Russians and the Chinese, and they’ll be no trouble at all, because we’ve got too much invested in each other to fight. Then comes the waiting game — the mind game, if you will — and here is where your monarch is unquestionably the superior, for my business acumen is unparalleled! Once tiny Britain ruled the world — soon! it will be! even tinier Bloomberg —

[A few start clapping.]

Not yet!

[Clapping stops.]

Soon it will be even tinier — Bloomberg Samoa!

[Clapping resumes, dies down. BLOOMBERG sits.]

Now then. Does the Council have any business?

[One GUY raises his hand.]

Yes, you, Titubo.

TITUBO: Your highness, we’re really grateful for everything you’ve done, but we’re not totally on board with what you’re doing with the ‘aiga, and how you paid off the governor and the matais to put our lands on the market.

BLOOMBERG: [Frostily] Excuse me, they were not “paid off.” We negotiated an arrangement that brought wealth to this country and gave it a place in the global trading network.

TITUBO: Yeah, but outsiders are buying up the land of our ancestors and the gentrification is out of control. This Dutch guy built something that looks like the Philip Johnson Chippendale building on the lot next to mine. It’s mad ugly and he plays shitty techno all night long!

BLOOMBERG: Non-negotiable! This nation must learn the lessons of capitalism.

ANOTHER GUY: [Standing up] Capitalism! Dude, take a look around. The world is fucked because of capitalism! Coronavirus is spreading like crazy because of capitalism!

BLOOMBERG: [Calling] Guards! Guards!

YET ANOTHER GUY [Standing] We told the guards to take a walk! You’re never shutting down this council again — you have to listen to us!

[ALL stand and concur.]

BLOOMBERG: [Yelling] You think capitalism is coronavirus? You think capitalism is coronavirus? Idiots! There’s no coronavirus in American Samoa — why do you think that is?

TITUBO: Because we keep palagi like you out of our country, that’s why!

[Mob is getting restless.]

BLOOMBERG: I’m sorry, did I say there was no coronavirus in American Samoa?

[BLOOMBERG pulls a large clear plastic bag that looks half-full of laundry detergent out of his caftan.]

I lied! This bag is full of coronavirus! STAND ASIDE, PEASANTS!

[BLOOMBERG starts throwing the contents of the bag into the group; they scream and fall back as BLOOMBERG runs for it. The COUNCIL give chase; drums are heard booming in the distance as the CURTAIN falls.]

Go back to Part 1, “New Worlds to Conquer,” or ahead to Part 3, “The Emperor Mike.”