Performance review

Just a couple of things

[The “Summer Throne Room” at the Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster, New Jersey, as pictured in “Getting the Story Straight” and “Old Home Week.”  The walls are still covered in lush draperies, and there is a room service cart with a few covered dishes and Diet Coke cans, and a few scattered director’s chairs. The throne is on its riser and TRUMP is seated on it; he wears a golf shirt, grey slacks, and crocodile-skin slippers and plays with his phone. DIBS, the hairy old guy in butler’s livery, sits on a low stool, reading a paperback copy of “Schnozzola: The story of Jimmy Durante” by Gene Fowler. COREY LEWANDOWSKI, former TRUMP campaign manager and rightwing supernumerary, emerges from the drapes and looks around. He wears a grey suit. TRUMP does not look up.]

LEWANDOWSKI: Hello, Mr. President! Good to see you. Thought you’d be in Florida by now.

TRUMP: [Still looking at the phone] I come and I go.

LEWANDOWSKI: Sure. I like the set-up you got here. [Rubs his hands] Kinda brisk, though. Like the AC was turned up.

TRUMP: No AC. Just air off the lake. I like when the seasons change. One thing you don’t get in Florida.

[TRUMP puts the phone in his pants pocket.]

What about that thing with Kristi?

LEWANDOWSKI: Chris Christie? Haven’t seen him.

TRUMP: Wise guy, huh.

[TRUMP seems unnaturally bland and detached; LEWANDOWSKI, accustomed to it, is unbothered.]  

I mean that thing about fucking her.

LEWANDOWSKI: Oh, Kristi Noem? Yeah, I saw that. [Smiles.] Weird, right?

TRUMP: How’d it get in the papers?

LEWANDOWSKI: How does anything get in the papers? I put some dollars on it. I figured I’d give myself a little media cushion for when that other nonsense about, uh, Mrs. Odom came out.

TRUMP: You knew it was coming.

LEWANDOWSKI: Of course I knew it was coming. You know me, Mr. President. [Big smile] Whether it’s for you or for myself, I ain’t missin’ a step!  

TRUMP: So you’re fucking her.

LEWANDOWSKI: Who, Mrs. Odom?

TRUMP: [A little loud] Not Mrs. Odom! The governor!

LEWANDOWSKI: [Laughs] Well, not now. Obviously. Though you never know. They’re known to have their mood swings.

[Pause. LEWANDOWSKI is puzzled.]

There a problem, sir?

TRUMP: You’re a married man.

LEWANDOWSKI: Aren’t we all!  

TRUMP: What’s that supposed to mean?

[Pause.]

LEWANDOWSKI: With all due respect, Mr. President, I didn’t know we had rules about that.

TRUMP: Rules about what.

LEWANDOWSKI: Well —

TRUMP: About pussy?

LEWANDOWSKI: [Relieved] Yeah! Boy. Thank you, sir. Right.

TRUMP: Yeah but one thing, I’m fucking her.

[Pause.]

LEWANDOWSKI: Well, excuse me, sir, I didn’t know.

TRUMP: That’s because I don’t put it in the papers.

LEWANDOWSKI: Of course.

TRUMP: I mean that’s something a crumb bum would do. Some kind of, of a degenerate fucking crumb bum.

[TRUMP is a tick more animated. Some color rises to his cheeks.]

LEWANDOWSKI: So it’s even better that I put that story in the papers, isn’t it? Because it takes the attention off you. No one looks at that story and thinks, “Oh, Corey Lewandowski, hmm, I wonder if that means Trump’s sleeping with her too.” They’d never think that in a million years. [Claps hands.] Ha! How d’ya like it, even without knowing about it I’m doing you a solid.

[Pause.]

TRUMP: She didn’t tell you.

LEWANDOWSKI: [Shakes his head] No sir. Never mentioned it.

TRUMP: Because you know we’ve been at it hot and heavy.

LEWANDOWSKI: Ahhhhh, ha ha, very good, Mr. President. [Thumbs up, Borat voice.] Very nice.

TRUMP: She said she was fucking some other guy also who absolutely didn’t know what he was doing, some guy who was just disgusting in bed, sad, worthless, it made her sick when he touched her, she couldn’t believe she was letting him do it.

LEWANDOWSKI: Wonder who that could be!

TRUMP: But with me she loves it. She goes nuts. You know what, she sucks my cock. Sucks it like a pro. And I’ll tell you something, I’m the first man she ever sucked. Ever. Not her husband, not nobody.

LEWANDOWSKI: She says that, huh.

[Pause. TRUMP’s face clouds.]

TRUMP: That’s right.

LEWANDOWSKI: Okay.

TRUMP: I suppose you know different.

[LEWANDOWSKI briefly makes a moue.]

What’s that mean, that face?

LEWANDOWSKI: Face, what face.

TRUMP: [Leaping to his feet] You know goddamn well what face! FUCK YOU! You never fucked her! You’re out there FEELING UP MY FUCKING DONORS!

[TRUMP repeatedly stabs his own chest with his thumb.]

I’M the fucker, I’M the one who fucked her, in fact I’m STILL fucking her. I’m gonna call her up and tell her to suck my dick right now!

LEWANDOWSKI: [Calmly] I don’t think now’s a good time, sir. Pierre is full of national press.

[TRUMP makes a loud, short, sharp noise, equally angry and distraught. DIBS turns on his stool and pays attention. TRUMP stands there practically vibrating with rage. LEWANDOWSKI calmly raises a hand.]

LEWANDOWSKI: Sir, listen. I know you’re gonna cut me loose again, because that’s what we do, you and I. We go back and forth like this. And that’s, hey, you know, that’s great. I get time with my family, time to work on my next book, maybe a totally different kind of book than the last one.

[LEWANDOWSKI takes a step closer to the throne, where Trump stands and seethes.]

But you and I both know what I’ve done for you, and what I can do for you. That’s why you keep calling me back. And when you do, sir, you know I’ll come running. You can count on it. Goodbye, sir. Good luck.

[LEWANDOWSKI turns and walks out of the room. Pause.]

TRUMP: [To DIBS] What book you reading?

[DIBS hold up the book, cover facing TRUMP, who squints at it.]

“Schnozzola,” oh year, Durante. Helluva guy, great entertainer. OK.

[DIBS goes back to reading. TRUMP takes out his phone, hit a speed-dial, then disconnects. He sits, looks at DIBS.]

Dibs, wanna split a pizza?

DIBS: [Nodding as he reads] Mushrooms.

[TRUMP dials as the CURTAIN falls.]