That’s What The New Breed Say

The shits keep on coming!

BOLT UPRIGHT: Good evening, I’m Bolt Upright and this is Received Opinion!

[Assaultive musical sting. Behind UPRIGHT, a limited-action cartoon appears, showing PETE HEGSETH, RFK JR., and KASH PATEL smashing wildly at the Capitol dome with monkey wrenches while DONALD TRUMP grins and gives a thumbs-up.]

With his controversial appointment of Kash Patel as director of the FBI — whom I am instructed to describe as a “firebrand,” instead of an internet huckster and conspiracy theorist, let’s see if any of you notice — Donald Trump once again dares the Senate to defy him. Since we must assume the President-elect is doing what he feels is best for his country, by which we of course mean America, we must also, like baffled children, ask what Trump is really trying to accomplish here?

[UPRIGHT touches his earpiece and pauses one nanosecond.]

But before we ask our panel of experts, we’ll go to what I’m told is a Ramada Inn in Rumson, New Jersey, where we will hear from Fox News star Poopmouth, whom we are told Trump has just been proposed to serve as the new director of the National Endowment for the Arts. Let’s go to Rumson now.

[Feed switches to a podium with the Trump/Vance sign on it. POOPMOUTH, wearing a red satin tuxedo, sunglasses, and various necklaces walks laughing to the podium, then grabs it and tries to lift it for about fifteen seconds. His sunglasses fall to the ground. Finally he gives up and breathes heavily.]

POOPMOUTH: Oh shit! Ha ha. Man. Remember One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest? Classic, dawg. When the Indian picked up that thing because he was against Nurse Hillary Cunt-in, and he fucking yeeted that shit through the window, the bars and everything? Awesome. Why don’t we have arts like that anymore, like what they had back when RFK Senior was President? Now it’s just trans this, trans that. And they got a black chick singing country music! Fuck that shit. We’re gonna make art baller, again, people. Whooo!

[POOPMOUTH again tries to lift the podium; a crunch is heard. He looks down.]

Shit! My Ferraris!

[CUT BACK to UPRIGHT, standing by the Decision Desk, which is manned by PEONI DOYENNE, wearing a black Akris ocelia slit crepe jacket and “greige” Georgette scoop-neck tank top, a black Max Mara Lubiana pencil skirt, and black Ralph Lauren Allie suede sandals; CHAFE DRAMATURGY, wearing a navy Ralph Lauren doeskin blazer and carmel pink washed chinos, a David & John Anderson royal blue bengal stripe broadcloth dress shirt with a Silvio Fiorello Medici pink Duchesse silk tie, and Hush Puppies; and newcomer JOHN BURTKA, an actual Hillsdale/American Conservative magazine/ISI chucklefuck, in a trad Brooks Brothers ensemble; BURTKA is checking his phone.]

UPRIGHT: That was NEA nominee Poopmouth. I caution our Decision Desk experts not to use that kind of language, which is appropriate for government officials but not for network news and commentary. Speaking of inappropriate behavior, Buff Toehold is again on leave, and we are joined by John Burtka from ISI. John, you’ve written about the need for sweeping changes at NEA, calling for President Trump to “restore honor” to the NEA by promoting “beautiful art.” Can you tell us how this will be achieved by the Poopmouth appointment?

BURTKA: Pass.

UPRIGHT: Pass. Your first appearance on Received Opinion, and you want to –

BURTKA: [referring to his phone] Big news coming, more later.

[BURTKA devotes his attention to his phone.]

UPRIGHT: OK, good to have you with us. Peoni, your thoughts.

DOYENNE: Well, we’ve seen this before, Bolt. These outrageous appointments, they’re just to troll the Democrats, to have a little fun. And it’s only fair — weren’t the Democrats themselves talking about the politics of joy?

UPRIGHT: I see.

DOYENNE: And while Mister… well, I can’t even bring myself to say his name, but the gentleman strikes a nerve when he talks about how degraded the arts have become. I went to see Cabaret on Broadway last summer and these theater people, they had taken all the fun out of it. It was Nazi this and Nazi that. I don’t remember that from the great Liza Minnelli version!

UPRIGHT: Uh huh.

DOYENNE: But there’s a time and a place for everything. Have I mentioned that I’m no fan of Donald Trump?

UPRIGHT: Not for days.

DOYENNE: There are many senior citizens — and I’m getting up there myself, ha ha!

DRAMATURGY: Not you, Peoni!

DOYENNE: And seniors just don’t like this kind of talk, no matter how much they approve cultural reform. I just pray the President thinks better of this appointment and chooses a serious arts administrator, like Kirk Cameron.

UPRIGHT: Interesting. Chafe?

DRAMATURGY: [Ostentatiously sighing] All these ridiculous, inappropriate appointments. You know, Bolt, with each one, I just get more and more angry at trans people.

UPRIGHT: I’d like to follow up, Chafe, but the new kid is waving — I’m not sure whether he needs to go to the bathroom or if he has —

BURTKA: [Excited] Big news! Trump’s people have withdrawn the Poopmouth appointment!

UPRIGHT: Big if true, John, but where did you – [touches earpiece] Hold on, I’m hearing there has indeed been a revelation and I believe our director Jerry Bovrill has something cued up — OK —

[CUT TO: Footage that is grainy and mostly fuzzed-out to preserve decorum show a naked POOPMOUTH with what appears to be a razorback hog; also, Nazi flags. Chyron: WHOOPS-MOUTH! CUT BACK to the Decision Desk.]

I see. Well, I’d still like some proper confirmation but this does appear to be —

BURTJA: Bolt! I’m getting word that Trump’s people —

UPRIGHT: Wait your turn, kid. I’m sure Jerry and the crew will have something in a minute. Meantime everybody phumpher!

DOYENNE and DRAMTURGY: Phumpher, phumpher! Phumpher, phumpher!

[A crew member rushes to BOLT, hands him a piece of paper, and runs off.]

UPRIGHT: Attention, attention everybody! Our —

[UPRIGHT looks significantly at BURTKA.]

—highly-placed sources confirm —

[UPRIGHT reads from the paper.]

— that the new nominee presumptive is Shadrack Dominelli. Dominelli has no U.S. government experience but was a pool boy at one of Harlan Crow’s estates and also recently served as assistant to Italian minister of culture Alessandro Giuli in the Giorgia Meloni government. He says his first order of business will be to rid American museums of what he calls “degenerate art.”

DOYENNE: That sounds promising! And I love his name. So mellifluous!

UPRIGHT: [To BURTKA] I trust this matches your intelligence, young fella?

BURTKA: [Stunned] They told me I would be the nominee.

[DOYENNE and DRAMATURGY make sympathetic noises.]

UPRIGHT: Tough break and welcome to Washington, kid.

DRAMATURGY: [To BURTKA] Take my advice, son. Get yourself involved in a sex scandal so people will remember your name.

DOYENNE: But not one like Mr. Poopmouth’s!

[DOYENNE and DRAMATURGY chortle.]

UPRIGHT: [Touching his earpiece, to the camera] When we come back, we’ll have Cal Thomas and another octogenarian conservative to be named later here to tell us how Murphy Brown destroyed America. And Nate Silver will explain why Hunter Biden’s pardon is the real crime.

[Hideous orchestral shriek. Camera vibrates and burrows into the earth, drilling past pipes and wires and concrete and rock, far down into the cooling, quiet earth.]