The People Next Door, Part 2

The hissing of summer jawns

[As in “The People Next Door,” we see the big sorta-neo-colonial house of Associate Supreme Court Justice SAMUEL ALITO and his wife MARTHA-ANN; the latter is leaning out one of the upstairs windows, addressing an unseen person, apparently in a nearby house.]

MARTHA-ANN: Hey assholes! Keep putting up those faggot flags and see what it gets you!

WOMAN’S VOICE: Love is love, bitch!

ANOTHER WOMAN’S VOICE: Hey Martha, I ordered one with two guys butt-fucking, I’m gonna put it up this weekend!

[Raucous laughter.]

THIRD WOMAN’S VOICE: Brown-eyes matter!

[Even more raucous laughter. MARTHA-ANN ducks inside, comes back with a Hummel figurine, hurls it; it smashes.]

MARTHA-ANN: [Louder] Keep it up! Go on, keep it up! My Sammy and his buddies are gonna make all this gay shit illegal! You’re all going to jail!

[SAM ALITO pokes his head out next to MARTHA-ANN’s.]

ALITO: Sweet Jesus, Martha! What are you doing up?

MARTHA-ANN: Telling these bitches to stuff their pride flags up their hoo-has!

ALITO: Martha! Have you forgotten the Chief is stopping by! [Yells behind him] Manuel! Something broke in the side yard, go clean up! [To MARTHA-ANN] Pull yourself together!

MARTHA-ANN: It’s not my fault! They’re provoking me!

ALITO: D’oh! Go inside, I’ll talk to them.

[ALITO and MARTHA-ANN duck out the window. ALITO presently appears in front of the house wearing a blue Vineyard Vines bound-edge pique knit blazer with matching pants over a white linen shirt and navy deck shoes.]

ALITO: [To the neighbors] Ladies, could you please give Martha a break, she’s a little on edge!

A NEIGHBOR: GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG!

ALITO: No! Come on! I’ve got people from work coming over and —

ANOTHER NEIGHBOR: Hey Sam, when’d you join AC/DC?

YET ANOTHER NEIGHBOR: Yeah, where are your shorts, Sam!

STILL ANOTHER NEIGHBOR: Where’s your guitar, Sam!

YET STILL ANOTHER NEIGHBOR: [Sings] YOU – SHOOK ME –

ALL THE NEIGHBORS: ALLLLLL NIIGHT LONG! [Make guitar noises with their mouths]

ALITO: [Screaming] Goddamn it! Please, please, PLEASE just LISTEN to me ONE SECOND PLEASE!

[A lull in the heckling.]

Look, I’m not unreasonable! I know we disagree about things, and yes, I know I’ve said things that — OK, they were out of line, and intemperate, and, and hurtful, the things I said, I know that! I’m a man of strong opinions and sometimes I get mad and I react and say things I really don’t mean, just because I’m mad. But look, I can listen, I can change! I swear!  All I’m asking for is –

MARTHA-ANN: HEY FUCKHEADS!

[MARTHA-ANN is in the window again, this time with a Hitler mustache scrawled in grease-pencil on her upper lip and waving a Nazi flag. She sings to the tune of “Deutschland über alles”:]

We are gonna kill all ho-omos,
Kill the homos for Jesus Christ —

[Neighbors boo vigorously and someone throws a vodka bottle against the building. ALITO shakes both his fists at them and roars:]

ALITO: That’s it, you goddamn heathens! We’re putting up Crusader flags! And the Confederate flag! We’re gonna turn this country into Franco Spain times a hundred! We –

[MANUEL, wearing jeans, a green t-shirt, and a straw hat, runs in.]

MANUEL: Mister Alito! The Chief, he come!

ALITO: [Panicked] ACK!

[ALITO falls to his knees. To the neighbors:]

Please! I’ll write letters of recommendation for all your kids!

A NEIGHBOR: Fuck you! Hit it, Livia!

[“Born This Way” by Lady Gaga is blasted at deafening volume as ALITO faces his wife and yells and gestures for her to haul in the flag.]