[As in “The People Next Door,” we see the big sorta-neo-colonial house of Associate Supreme Court Justice SAMUEL ALITO and his wife MARTHA-ANN; the latter is leaning out one of the upstairs windows, addressing an unseen person, apparently in a nearby house.]
MARTHA-ANN: Hey assholes! Keep putting up those faggot flags and see what it gets you!
WOMAN’S VOICE: Love is love, bitch!
ANOTHER WOMAN’S VOICE: Hey Martha, I ordered one with two guys butt-fucking, I’m gonna put it up this weekend!
[Raucous laughter.]
THIRD WOMAN’S VOICE: Brown-eyes matter!
[Even more raucous laughter. MARTHA-ANN ducks inside, comes back with a Hummel figurine, hurls it; it smashes.]
MARTHA-ANN: [Louder] Keep it up! Go on, keep it up! My Sammy and his buddies are gonna make all this gay shit illegal! You’re all going to jail!
[SAM ALITO pokes his head out next to MARTHA-ANN’s.]
ALITO: Sweet Jesus, Martha! What are you doing up?
MARTHA-ANN: Telling these bitches to stuff their pride flags up their hoo-has!
ALITO: Martha! Have you forgotten the Chief is stopping by! [Yells behind him] Manuel! Something broke in the side yard, go clean up! [To MARTHA-ANN] Pull yourself together!
MARTHA-ANN: It’s not my fault! They’re provoking me!
ALITO: D’oh! Go inside, I’ll talk to them.
[ALITO and MARTHA-ANN duck out the window. ALITO presently appears in front of the house wearing a blue Vineyard Vines bound-edge pique knit blazer with matching pants over a white linen shirt and navy deck shoes.]
ALITO: [To the neighbors] Ladies, could you please give Martha a break, she’s a little on edge!
A NEIGHBOR: GLUG GLUG GLUG GLUG!
ALITO: No! Come on! I’ve got people from work coming over and —
ANOTHER NEIGHBOR: Hey Sam, when’d you join AC/DC?
YET ANOTHER NEIGHBOR: Yeah, where are your shorts, Sam!
STILL ANOTHER NEIGHBOR: Where’s your guitar, Sam!
YET STILL ANOTHER NEIGHBOR: [Sings] YOU – SHOOK ME –
ALL THE NEIGHBORS: ALLLLLL NIIGHT LONG! [Make guitar noises with their mouths]
ALITO: [Screaming] Goddamn it! Please, please, PLEASE just LISTEN to me ONE SECOND PLEASE!
[A lull in the heckling.]
Look, I’m not unreasonable! I know we disagree about things, and yes, I know I’ve said things that — OK, they were out of line, and intemperate, and, and hurtful, the things I said, I know that! I’m a man of strong opinions and sometimes I get mad and I react and say things I really don’t mean, just because I’m mad. But look, I can listen, I can change! I swear! All I’m asking for is –
MARTHA-ANN: HEY FUCKHEADS!
[MARTHA-ANN is in the window again, this time with a Hitler mustache scrawled in grease-pencil on her upper lip and waving a Nazi flag. She sings to the tune of “Deutschland über alles”:]
We are gonna kill all ho-omos,
Kill the homos for Jesus Christ —
[Neighbors boo vigorously and someone throws a vodka bottle against the building. ALITO shakes both his fists at them and roars:]
ALITO: That’s it, you goddamn heathens! We’re putting up Crusader flags! And the Confederate flag! We’re gonna turn this country into Franco Spain times a hundred! We –
[MANUEL, wearing jeans, a green t-shirt, and a straw hat, runs in.]
MANUEL: Mister Alito! The Chief, he come!
ALITO: [Panicked] ACK!
[ALITO falls to his knees. To the neighbors:]
Please! I’ll write letters of recommendation for all your kids!
A NEIGHBOR: Fuck you! Hit it, Livia!
[“Born This Way” by Lady Gaga is blasted at deafening volume as ALITO faces his wife and yells and gestures for her to haul in the flag.]
Brilliant! I was laughing out loud as I read. So fucking funny!
Sammy deserves everything he gets for that outfit.