Truck nuts

Bolt Upright and the gang probe the Escape From New York!

BOLT UPRIGHT: Good evening, I’m Bolt Upright, and this is Received Opinion.

[Music. Screen behind UPRIGHT: Limited-animation cartoon of burly men in sleeveless t-shirts and MAGA hats beating the Empire State Building with baseball bats, with the logo “TRUCKERS VS. NYC.”]

It looks like the backlash against Trump’s $450 million fraud judgement has begun, with truck drivers declaring they will refuse to carry goods into New York to punish its citizens for living in the city where the trial took place.

[Quick clips of various men with beards, MAGA hats, and sunglasses yelling at the camera, interspersed with in-cab footage of one of them, also yelling, giving the finger to the Manhattan skyline.]

They have names like “Chicago Ray,” “Kansas City Lou,” “Howard Djelikakik,” and “Haywood Jablome,” and a knack for contacting the booking offices of every major news program.

[Footage on one particularly hirsute man wearing a sleeveless lumberjack shirt and gesticulating with an unlit cigar butt at the camera; chyron reads “Oklahoma City Shaygetz: Hix Nix Trux Flux”]

SHAYGETZ: You damn woke New Yorkers done put yer foot in it this time! First y’all did 9-11 to yourselves and pretended it was Ay-rabs, lookin’ for sympathy, an’ then you cancelled my favorite show, “Young Sheldon,” an’ now y’all is in a conspiracy to take down a great American with yer phony courts o’ law an’ judges! Well, you jus’ wait, when you sissies go reachin’ for yer caviar an’ gefilte fish an’ whatever else y’all eat, you’re gonna get a whole lotta nuthin’ ‘cause us truckers ain’t deliverin’ to ya no more!

[Camera back on UPRIGHT.]

UPRIGHT: Shaygetz then got into a waiting SUV limo and went across town, where he gave a similar speech on WABC News. So far, however, there’s no sign of a slowdown in the New York economy.

[Footage of young African man in an apron outside a bodega called Maspeth Good Morning, a microphone aimed at his face. Chyron: “Calm Before the Storm?”]

V/O: Have your deliveries been interrupted by the trucker boycott.

MAN: Trucker bucket, who is? No, we get plenty delivery, too much delivery.

V/O: Are you afraid the boycott will leave your shelves empty and force you to close your store?

MAN: No, we open 24-7. Too much delivery! Half price Snickers ice cream bar. Tell your friends!

[Camera back on UPRIGHT.]

UPRIGHT: Some skeptics wonder if this isn’t a repeat of the so-called People’s Convoy in 2022 which threatened to shut down Washington, D.C. but left town with little to show for it. Others say the truckers aren’t the only ones who are down on New York, and joining us today to talk about it at our Decision Desk –

[— to which UPRIGHT and the camera stroll —]

— is a prominent and disgruntled New Yorker, Anselm Nobless. Also joining us is our usual panel of pundits, Peoni Doyenne, Chafe Dramaturgy, and Buff Toehold.

[They appear at the Decision Desk in their usual ridiculous costumes, as does ANSELM NOBLESS, a thin, bland-faced white man of about 60 with expertly crafted longish white hair and tortoise-shell glasses, wearing a sleek midnight blue suit with pearl grey shirt and pink satin tie.]

Mr. Nobless, I understand from this index card your family has been in business in New York for six generations, starting in the chocolate business and now in financial consultancy, yet you say you’re pulling up stakes because of the Trump verdict.

NOBLESS: That’s right, Bolt. And I have to say, although I’m a well-mannered gentleman of the upper class, I am damn mad — damn mad! — that the woke residents of this once-proud city have turned on this man who has done nothing but good for all of us, rich and poor, black and white —

UPRIGHT: Mr. Nobless, I’m sorry. Trump was found guilty by a judge after refusing a jury trial. How is that the fault of the 8.3 million people who live here?

NOBLESS: Well, Bolt, despite exalted my position, when I’m not doing international finance, I get out among the people. I take the subways, I visit food trucks, I’ve even been known to bend my elbow at great old New York dive bars like P.J. Clarke’s. And whenever I have expressed sympathy for Donald Trump in these places, I have been laughed at, I’ve been reviled, I’ve been pelted with gelato. And let me tell you, I’m not the only one. You’d be surprised at the famous names of the men who agree with me, men who, like me, command millions if not zillions of dollars that New York will soon lose because of wokeness and intersectionality and –

DRAMATURGY: Steve! Steve Furbisher!

[NOBLESS freezes. He looks at DRAMATURGY; his eyes widen.]

I thought that was you! My God! Dapper as ever, Steven. No wonder you fooled us.

UPRIGHT: Fooled, Chafe? What do you mean?

DRAMATURGY: Oh, you’re not in on it? Well, they didn’t tell me either — like “Candid Camera,” well done! [He gestures toward “NOBLESS”] This is Steve Furbisher, he’s a floorwalker, well, I guess they call them sales associates now, at the Cartier mansion on Fifth Avenue. He helped me pick out a watch for my father’s 80^th birthday. Maybe he doesn’t recognize me without my mask —

[There is a brief commotion as NOBLESS/FURBISHER flees the studio. Indistinct yelling off-stage.]

UPRIGHT: More high drama resulting from the unprecedented Trump verdict! When we come back: Chilling with the grandkids — how the Alabama ruling on frozen embryos has unleashed a new wave of custody battles!

[Music, camera spins up and out – we can just make out DOYENNE gasping, “You mean he’s a servant?”]