57 Comments
Aug 31, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

"Fentanyl laced dollar bills" bad: Cocaine laced dollar bills good.

and points for SANDERVANOCUR.

Expand full comment
Aug 31, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

Dredged from my early days:

"How often does Sandervan Occur?"

"Up to 5 nights a week."

Expand full comment
Aug 31, 2022·edited Aug 31, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

"-sick to the eyeteeth"

Hard to believe you're a big -city guy what with your mastery of the down home lingo Real Americans use around their Midwestern kitchen tables.

Must be hard to write this when so much of real life is reads like broad parody.

Expand full comment
Aug 31, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

Roy got hisseff a proper fetchin's up.

Expand full comment
author

The world is a fascinating place.

Expand full comment

Especially considering the alternative.

Expand full comment

The world is a carousel of Color, wonderful, wonderful, Color.

Expand full comment

May you live in fascinating times...

Expand full comment
Aug 31, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

Wait, did Graham reject violence, or are we just assuming he's not capable of direct violence anyway? (I checked the link and didn't see any reputed repudiations.)

Expand full comment
author

That's because it was the wrong link! (Fixing it now.) https://twitter.com/Acyn/status/1564753398515306497

Expand full comment

Well, it wasn't much of a repudiation. Remember when he used to have something of a reputation for integrity? Yeah, me neither.

Expand full comment

Still trying to figure how who Lindsey was referencing.

Expand full comment

I assumed "talk to the VP" was a reference to the Blackity-Black Lady who Biden chose as VP, who, given her skin tone, must be personally responsible for the torching of several major U.S. cities.

Expand full comment
Aug 31, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

A Fox News transcription? Kinda phoning it in here, aren’t you Roy?

Expand full comment
Aug 31, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

Oo...fightin' words!

C'mon Roy – smack 'im back!

Expand full comment

But the guy in the picture is from CNN? I am confuse.

Expand full comment

I think that's Chuckles Todd, who's the cash equivalent of a FAUX host, so it works

Expand full comment
Aug 31, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

Well, well, well...

"Ford’s Theater and its gift shop"

You get 2 marks for that alone.

It's the funniest thing I've read since yesterday's Trump Truthism® "Why are people so mean?!"

But jeez, Roy – you gotta stop inventing all those names in just one post – if you are in it for the long haul you gotta pace yerself!

Expand full comment
author

I can do this all day.

Expand full comment

Quality AND Quantity!

Expand full comment

More! MORE!

Expand full comment

"I join him in denouncing Joe Biden’s call for antifa BLM riots in our streets."

Look, to be fair, it would be wrong for Biden to call for riots if the DOJ does indict Trump, so really, we're on the same page, no?

The horseshoe comes around and bipartisanship lives again!

Expand full comment

Right here, right now, I'm calling for riotous celebrations if/when Trump is indicted. Although I don't really think I need to, these things usually happen spontaneously.

Expand full comment
Aug 31, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

Beautiful. Love how you capture the shitstream of semi-consciousness of these looney tunes, Ms. Joni is a peach. I wouldn't be surprised if "fetus microchips" doesn't soon appear in their lexicon of buzzword gibberish.

Expand full comment

Time for another Cletis (Fetus) Microchip Safari!

Expand full comment

Fetus The Slack-Jawed Yolk (l)

Expand full comment

Not sure if it’s a regionalism, but “hunerdt” is how a lot of people here in the upper Midwest pronounce 100. (It’s similar to the German word for the same. There are a considerable number of German Americans here.) If that’s what you were going for, Roy, I’m impressed. You have the writer’s ear.

Expand full comment
Aug 31, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

Yeah, I guess it's just the way American politics is now. Biden notes that the GOP is becoming more openly fascist and is very loud about how it wants to do away with American Democracy . . . and that drives the entire media complex insane with rage. Meanwhile, sitting Republican Senators and the former Republican president are publicly advocating for the violent overthrow of the government of the United States, and the media reaction is . . . a short yawn.

Expand full comment

Look, I just said this restaurant MIGHT burn down if you didn't purchase sufficient fire insurance from the Corleone Fire Insurance Company, it's not like I sprinkled gasoline on everything and lit a match, that's Vito's job.

Expand full comment
Aug 31, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

Nauseating. Which is to say mission fully accomplished satire-wise.

And condolences to the Maestro; I'm sure this was a hard birth, wading through the sewage.

But TBH, I have to say I'm still a little fuzzy on who, in Lindsey's imaging there, would be rioting exactly. Or maybe the problem is we can't have law and order without our betters being above the law, I don't know.

Expand full comment
Aug 31, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

He probably has staff who impose a $500 fine if the word "stochastic" is mentioned in his presence. Especially by reporters.

Expand full comment

Similarly, I wondered who Trump thought was going to restore him to the Imperial Presidency. Congress? A Special Master? SCOTUS? I wonder what provision of the Constitution he thinks permits this. Given the composition of the Court, a doctrine of Electoral Mulligan might emerge.

Expand full comment

Lindsey’s secret fantasy is that his being required to testify in Georgia’s election tampering investigation will result in somebody noticing he’s still relevant. It’s not rioting in the streets but it’s better than being laughed at in public.

Expand full comment
Aug 31, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

OK, "Bolt Upright" is a good one, but "Justin Sandervanocur IV" touches on comic genius.

Expand full comment
Aug 31, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

“Bolt Upright.” Genius, Roy. Pure genius.

Expand full comment
author

That comes from an old old joke. Same class as "Good evening, I'm Brown from the Sun."

Expand full comment

Hilarious! Never heard that one. But of course there are Bat Guano, Merkin Muffley and Jack D. Ripper (!)

Expand full comment

I have to add: Bolt is the name of the pool-boy/stud/imbecile character in the soap-opera-within-the-movie of the hilarious film Soapdish. In the soap opera's final scene (which, for complicated reasons, is broadcast live and has to be improvised) he enters a room and someone says, "Bolt! I didn't know you were here!"

And this clod says, defiantly, "Well, I am!"

Expand full comment

Roy's definitely approaching Terry Southern levels of brilliance here.

Expand full comment

I remember it as "Brown from the Morning Sun" when Gracie Allen told it.

Expand full comment

Loved Gracie Allen!

Expand full comment

I remember that joke from Damsel in Distress, one of my favorite Fred-without-Ginger movies. I love that Gracie and George were able to keep up with Fred in the dancing, I guess it was just expected, if you were a comedian who came out of Vaudeville, that OF COURSE you could do tap.

Expand full comment

Thanks for that reminder. And Franklin Pangborn, the tour guide, flustered by Gracie...

Expand full comment

Say goodnight, Gracie!

Expand full comment
Aug 31, 2022Liked by Roy Edroso

Best ever, despite reality coming ever closer to this depiction.

Expand full comment

Or maybe the media is just coming ever closer to satire? Or it could be they just agree to meet in the middle.

Expand full comment

I am outraged, OUTRAGED, that Sleepy Dictator Joe "Stalin" Hunter Biden has called on his Antifa supersoldier thugs and the crazed woke mob of the Commu-Socialist Democrat Treason Party to burn down ALL OF AMERICA, after the noble Christian National Not-at-all Socialist InfoWarrior Patriots rebuilt it. Calling his opponents vituperative insulting names WILL NOT STAND in this noble Republican Republic, even if that's what you can expect from child eating Satanist groomer Demoncrats!

I'm keeping the fetus microchips, though. I hear you can get 5G on them and I'm looking forward to being able to stream podcasts directly into my brain.

Expand full comment

Congrats, I think you checked every square on the Bingo Card.

Expand full comment

The perfect Country and Western song!

Expand full comment

I always have to stop and marvel for a minute that you don't have to make up or exaggerate any of this. Only the names have been changed to protect the guilty. I was surprised to be a little touched by Bud Crinkle's soliloquy at the end, though the real Generalissimos out there are creaming their camo at the idea that the long-promised urban food riots and race war is so close they can smell the gunpowder.

Expand full comment
Aug 31, 2022·edited Aug 31, 2022

I suppose it should be said that those BLM "riots" were about a guy named George Floyd, who was brutally murdered by a cop named Derek Chauvin. And when the thing went to court, we brought enough facts & evidence that Formerly-Officer Chauvin is serving a long stretch in prison.

Jan. 6, on the other hand, was inspired by lies, and every time the liars had their day in court, it was Dog Ate My Homework.

I'm not going to sign on to a blanket anti-riot policy, as King said, Riots are the language of the oppressed, but I do think it makes a difference whether the rioters are inspired by truth or by made-up nonsense.

Expand full comment