¡Vaya con Dios!
Tubby's rearguard action against the Southern Hemispherans
[The Oval Office. Chairs and sofas are moved out of the way to make room for Academy Award™ nominated actor JAMES WOODS, dressed in chinos, Bass Weejuns, and a polo shirt, who seems to be pitching something to TRUMP, who is seated at the Resolute Desk, and COREY LEWANDOWSKI, standing a little behind TRUMP.]
WOODS: Look, we lost Hector to wokeness, Mr. President. So what? There are plenty of Latino actors in New York and L.A. who’ll be happy for the job.
TRUMP: You’re not gettin’ it, Jimmy, it ain’t working, this Mexican bandit thing. I’m standing up there, peeling off these “Worst of the Worst” flyers, showing ‘em to people, nobody gives a shit. I look like an asshole. I’m goin’ “Here’s Enrico Es-spicko, bad hombre, raped and killed a hundred white girls, very bad hombre.” They stare at me like I’m reading the weather. It’s no good. And then the Bad Bunny, ay yi yi. I remember when they sang in Spanish, they went from table to table, serenading you, and they had straw hats, like those Tres Panchos, you know them, Corey?
LEWANDOWSKI: No, sir.
TRUMP: Eydie Gorme sang with them. Maybe that’s where it started, the race mixing. Like Britt Ekland and Sammy Davis Junior. Now you got this Porter Rican, bouncing up and down on the truck, and Lady Googah and all the white people yelling their heads off.
LEWANDOWSKI: It’s the media, sir. They got people thinking these immigrants are precious little snowflakes that got put in prison by mistake. You gotta start suing the media for reverse defamation of character.
WOODS: Is that even a thing?
TRUMP: [To LEWANDOWSKI] That takes too long, we gotta do something now. Hey, Corey, you still banging Kristi?
LEWANDOWSKI: [glibly] No comment, Mr. President.
TRUMP: What it’s like fucking her face? Must feel like a beanbag chair by now.
WOODS: Mr. President, sir, this actor you were telling me about, is he in the union, because I can’t work with him if he’s non-union.
TRUMP: Don’t worry about union. For one thing, we’re getting rid of all the unions. For another, we can always fix it like they did for Kevin Leary in the ping-pong movie. OK, let’s get the guy out here. [Calls] Sid!
[A closet door opens. A little person, not a child, steps out, dressed up like the famous child ICE prisoner Liam Conejo Ramos, including the bunny hat that he was pictured wearing when he was kidnapped. He is also carrying a machete. He steps into the clearing with WOODS.]
Hey, Sid, how ya doin’. Jimmy, this is Sid Tercera. Sid, you in the union?
TERCERA: [Deep voice, no Spanish accent] 23 years and all paid up!
WOODS: Mr. President, this is — [To TERCERA] No offense. [To TRUMP] This is an adult, a grown man, right?
TRUMP: Yeah, he’s a midget. [To TERCERA] You don’t care if I call you a midget, do you, Sid?
TERCERA: Not at the rate you’re paying, Mr. President!
TRUMP: Atta boy. [To WOODS] He doesn’t have a problem. Do you have a problem?
WOODS: I — just don’t know what we’re supposed to be doing here, sir.
TRUMP: Don’t worry about it, Jimmy, we got it all worked out.
TERCERA: [Holding the machete behind his back] OK, Mr. President, ready when you are.
TRUMP: OK, Jimmy, picture this, there’s a little white girl, very cute and adorable, and she comes skipping along the lane and she sees this guy, and she goes [small voice], “Hello, my name is Sarah, do you want to play with me?”
TERCERA: [Acting cute, with a high voice and a ripe Mexican accent] Ah, jes, jes, Sarah, I would like to play with you. My name ees Liam. You saw me on the TV. Come and play with me, Sarah!
TRUMP: OK, the little girl comes closer, and Sid says —
TERCERA: Si, si Sarah! Closer!
TRUMP: And when she gets so close, now watch.
[TERCERA suddenly swings the machete, and laughs throatily.]
TERCERA: Ha ha! I keel the leetle white girl!
[TERCERA points the machete at WOODS.]
I keel many white girls, you estupid gringos! And now I keel you!
TRUMP: Cut.
[TERCERA relaxes. WOODS is stunned.]
And the blood pours out where the little girl’s head was. OK, Sid, go on out and the Marine will get you a meal. We’ll be in touch.
TERCERA: [Back to non-Spanish voice] Yes, sir, Mr. President. Thank you.
[TERCERA turns to WOODS, shakes his hand.]
TERCERA: It’s a pleasure, Mr. Woods, I’m a big fan and I hope we get to work together on this.
[TERCERA leaves.]
TRUMP: See, not only does it show how you can’t trust these immigrants no matter how cute they look, it helps with the Epstein thing, because it shows we’re for little kids. So, Jimmy, you’re the pro, give us some notes.
WOODS: Sure, Mr. President, I just have to go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.
[WOODS starts to head out, then stops and picks a winter coat off one of the disarranged pieces of furniture and starts putting it on.]
Just have to get this because it’s drafty in the halls, I’ll be right back.
[WOODS leaves. Pause.]
TRUMP: Well, we can get Sly, maybe he can play the girl’s dad.
LEWANDOWSKI: Isn’t he a little old to have a little girl like that?
TRUMP: I told you to shut up about Epstein!
[Minsky pickup, blackout.]
Ripped from the headlines. "like a beanbag chair" -- ouch. I love that Tubby's pop culture references are 150 years old. (Note: I got them. Ugh.)
"I remember when they sang in Spanish, they went from table to table, serenading you, and they had straw hats, like those Tres Panchos..."
Just for the record, I'm reasonably familiar with the pedo POTUS' scumbag parents' favorite restaurants (per Mary Trump)--grew up a couple of blocks away from it--and it wasn't class enough to have any musicians. So crappy a dump--it was a bar with pretensions--that my parents never took us there.
"What it’s like fucking her face? Must feel like a beanbag chair by now."
I had been wondering (before I'd stop caring). I know nothing about that kind of plastic surgery beyond whether I like it or grosses me out but her face looks like stuff's hardening and, yes, it looks lumpy. Ah, she'll use taxpayer monies to get it fixed eventually, I suppose...
"TRUMP: Yeah, he’s a midget. [To TERCERA] You don’t care if I call you a midget, do you, Sid?
TERCERA: Not at the rate you’re paying, Mr. President!"
Trump paying, let alone good money, and not stiffing? That's a bridge too far for me credibility-wise. You know Sid's getting stiffed.
And speaking of said bridge, I'd like to think Woods would in fact have no issue appearing in Donny's production.
And for that matter, the only thing that would stop me from assuming Donny is a pedo who molested and maybe even raped his then underage daughter is conclusive proof. A skit like this wouldn't work for me. (After, he got plastic surgery to uglify her because he's piece of shit whose aesthetic judgment is let's say defective. BTW, I asked my AI search bot about Melania's Trump disfigurement and its initial response relied on public statements from her or Trump. Suffice to say, I told the bot to try harder.)
Pedo. Epstein.
'Nuff said.