Weird Scenes Inside the Troll Mine, Part 2

Another high-level meeting

Public domain.


[The Oval Office, night. TRUMP is still in his sweatpants and polo shirt from the night before, his hair only imperfectly arranged into his signature ‘do with what appears to be library paste, so it looks a wig from a Halloween costume. He is pacing and looks truculent and a little dazed. Acting Secretary of Homeland Security CHAD WOLF stands by, looking uncomfortable.]

WOLF: Mr. President, are you sure you wouldn’t rather have the Chief of Staff in here for this —

TRUMP: He’s on vacation.

WOLF: Really? Because I thought I saw —

[WOLF stops himself.]

TRUMP: You didn’t see nothin’.

WOLF: I really shouldn’t be here, sir.

TRUMP: That’s what they all say.

[WOLF takes a paper out of his jacket.]

WOLF: Well, as long as I’m here, sir, here’s my resignation.

[WOLF holds the paper out, walks to TRUMP, who doesn’t react.]

TRUMP: I don’t see it.

WOLF: [Waving the paper] It’s right here.

TRUMP: [Yells] Don't wave that thing at me! Who the fuck do you think you are! You fucking faggot! You were turning fag tricks when I found you!

[TRUMP walks away from WOLF, continues pacing.]

WOLF: [After a beat] I was Chief of Staff at the TSA.

[Pause.]

I’ll just put this on the desk.

[WOLF puts the paper on the Resolute Desk.]

TRUMP: I don’t see it. I don’t see it, you ain’t resigned. You stay here. I need a witness.

WOLF: Witness?

[Knock at the door.]

TRUMP: [To WOLF] Keep your eyes open. [To the door] Yeah.

[The door opens and Supreme Court Justice BRETT KAVANAUGH comes in. He wears a decent suit but is unshaven and a little unsteady and sheepish.]

KAVANAUGH: Mr. President, you wanted to see me.

TRUMP: I don’t wanna see you, rummy. You’re disgusting. I can smell it on you from here!

WOLF: [Extends hand to KAVANAUGH] Justice Kavanaugh, Chad Wolf from Homeland Security, good to meet you.

KAVANAUGH: [Puzzled] Oh, hi.

TRUMP: [Pointing at WOLF] You, shut up. [Advances on KAVANAUGH] Okay, rummy, it’s time to cut the nut. We got cases going and one or two of ‘em are gonna end up in your lap. Where’s the Handmaid?

KAVANAUGH: I couldn’t reach her, sir, she —

TRUMP: [Yells] Bullshit! [More quietly, to WOLF] I knew right off the bat she was a bitch. [Does a feminine voice] “Oh, you don’t have to worry about me, Mr. President! I know the Constitution!” Finally I get her alone, I says listen, you know what you gotta do, the time comes, forget this Constitution thing, you gotta pull my fat out of the fire. [Holds his thumb and forefinger up, measuring a four-inch gap] I was this close to her. She said “I will be loyal to you, sir.” I was gonna tell her, suck my dick we’ll see how loyal you are. But you know you can tell how some of them are yellers, and the Marine was right outside. Anyway it was already too late.

[Advances again on KAVANAUGH, who backs away.]

But you, rummy — you’re gonna make sure she does the right thing. You’re gonna tell her what can happen to her and her 20, 30 brats if she don’t play ball. And you’re gonna do the right thing too, rummy. We still got the goods on you.

[TRUMP points at WOLF.]

You want me to tell this guy what we got?

WOLF: [Holds his hands up] Whoa, whoa.

KAVANAUGH: Sir, you don’t have to do this, you know I’m loyal —

TRUMP: Oh, you’re loyal too? Everybody’s loyal! Maybe you wanna suck my dick and show me?

WOLF: Whoa, sir, I mean that’s just, whoa —

TRUMP: [To WOLF] Hey, how about I tell [points to KAVANAUGH] him about you? Huh? What you were doing before I pulled you outta the gutter? [To KAVANAUGH] It’s disgusting what he was doing, you wouldn’t believe.

KAVANAUGH: Listen, Mr. President, you can’t do this.

WOLF: You, you’re out of control, sir.

TRUMP: [Roaring] Out of control? You think I’m out of control? Wait’ll I get the boys to cut your balls off! Then you’ll see out of control!

WOLF: [Heading to the door] I’m out of here.

TRUMP: Get back here!

KAVANAUGH: [To WOLF] Can I get a ride with you? They threw me in the back of a van.

WOLF: Sure, come on.

TRUMP: You ain’t goin’ nowhere! Don’t you touch that door! Don’t —

[WOLF and KAVANAUGH leave. TRUMP goes to the door and screams:]

RUMMY! FAGGOT! GET BACK HERE! STOP THOSE MEN! STOP ‘EM! LISTEN! I’LL BUST YOU! I’LL KILL YOU! I’LL KILL YOU ALL! RUMMMMMY!

[TRUMP slams the door. He paces, seething, turns on the TV, then goes to the breakfront for his formula.]

VOICE OF JOHN KING: — but he doesn’t have too many options left. He would have to win Pennsylvania, which looks increasing less likely, and also at least three of the remaining four states, and as the count progresses —

[TRUMP, clutching the formula box in one hand and the TV changer in the other, clicks away from CNN to, apparently, a music station which is playing Night Ranger’s “Sister Christian.” TRUMP puts the changer in his pocket, flips open the box, goes to the Resolute Desk and, hurriedly and without sitting, produces and utilizes the razor, mirror, and straw. The song reaches the “Motoring, what’s your price for flight” chorus, and TRUMP turns up the volume and begins to dance in place as he did for his rally crowds, and to mouth the words. Slow BLACKOUT.]