Dark horses

Non-Trump GOP candidates: the real 1%

BOLT UPRIGHT: Good evening, I’m Bolt Upright and this is Received Opinion. Tonight we’ll be talking to four fascinating Republicans who are contending for their party’s Presidential nomination. Each has much to recommend him or her — but the big question is, can they make Republican voters forget the man polls show most of them want, and whose name they long to hear? I am referring of course to Donald Trump. Donald Trump, Donald Trump, Donald Trump. Let’s start with two of former President Donald Trump’s opponents for the nomination from South Carolina, former Governor Nikki Haley and Senator Tim Scott. [Puckishly] Governor, Senator, do I sense some discord between you and your fellow South Carolinian?

[Both SCOTT and HALEY look confused.]

Because you’re running against each other for President.

[SCOTT and HALEY both squeeze out some phony laughter.]

HALEY: Ho ho ho, no, Senator Scott’s a great man, he’s OK in my book.

SCOTT: Ho ho ho, the Governor is a great lady, and many a tear has to fall, but it’s all in the game.

HALEY: And actually, Bolt, I think the term is South Carolingian.

UPRIGHT: Really.

SCOTT: Well, I say South Carolinian. Now, see, there’s something we can argue about in the debates.

UPRIGHT, SCOTT, and HALEY: Chortle chortle chortle!

UPRIGHT: But seriously, Governor, everyone knows the big question is, why should Republicans nominate you instead of former President Donald Trump?

HALEY: Bolt, I think Americans are tired of the failed policies of Joe Biden and the radical left and want sound fiscal policy and a return to decency.

UPRIGHT: Of course, but Donald Trump says much the same thing, in his own unique and sometimes incomprehensible way. How would you be a different kind of candidate, one who can — if you don’t mind a softball at this point — mend fences and build bridges to Americans who are tired of Donald Trump and Joe Biden?

HALEY: Bolt, I’m all about building fencing and mending bridges to and for Americans.

UPRIGHT: Senator Scott, same question.

SCOTT: Bolt, I think Americans want sound fiscal policy and a return to decency, they’re tired of the failed policies and radical leftism of Joe Biden and the radical left and the failed policies.

UPRIGHT: But how would you distinguish yourself from former President Trump?

SCOTT: Well, Bolt, I want to return to something you said in your introduction, you said we were President Trump’s “opponents.” But I don’t think of myself of an opponent of any kind to President Trump. I think of myself as a continuation of President Trump, sort of a President Trump for people who are not voting for President Trump but want what President Trump has to offer.

HALEY [frustrated, to herself] Ugh, why didn’t I think of that!

UPRIGHT: Governor Haley, I ask you the same question.

HALEY: Bolt, I think the eight years that Donald Trump was President were the greatest America has ever seen, and I plan to build on his legacy and —

UPRIGHT: Forgive me, Governor, you said eight years — Donald Trump was President for only four years. Donald Trump.

HALEY: Bolt, the American people are tired of the liberal media trying to minimize President Trump’s accomplishments

SCOTT [frustrated, to himself] Ugh, why didn’t I think of that!

UPRIGHT: Governor, I’m surprised to hear you say that, when just a few weeks ago you said in a memo to your donors that Donald Trump was “consumed by the grievances of the past…”

HALEY: Bolt, I did not say that about Donald Trump. You show me where I said the words “Donald Trump” in relation to that phrase. You can’t do it.

SCOTT: Bolt, I would like to point out that unlike the Governor, I have never even used the name Donald Trump anywhere in any proximity to a phrase that was critical or negative.

HALEY: Neither did I!

SCOTT: With respect, Governor, they were in the same memo. I never mention President Trump except in relation to good things like fiscal responsibility and, and, jobs and, and, sunshine, puppies, things of that nature.

UPRIGHT: Fascinating. Also joining us is former pharmaceutical executive Vivek Ramaswamy, who is also running for president but has --

RAMASWAMY: Excuse me, Bolt, but I must protest, you cannot characterize me as a former pharmaceutical executive.

UPRIGHT: You were literally the CEO of a pharmaceutical company.

RAMASWAMY: I meant that literally, Bolt. We just Venmoed a substantial cash payment to the president of your network. Check your teleprompter.

UPRIGHT: What the blazes —

RAMASWAMY: This is the kind of advanced entrepreneurial thinking — what I call, in a phrase my lawyers are in the process of trademarking, magical thinking — that I will bring to the White House. Donald Trump is a great man, but he went as far as he was going to go; I’m in this race to take the America First agenda far further than Donald Trump ever did — and after my January 6 I won’t leave one piece of this rotten government standing, I will destroy every part of it—  

UPRIGHT: Well, I’m terrified, so I’ll repeat the name Donald Trump and come to our fourth guest, Mike Pence, Donald Trump’s former Vice President who Donald Trump sent his followers to kill, which leads me to ask, Mr. Vice-President, how you feel about Mr. Ramaswamy pledging to do another January 6.

PENCE: Well, Bolt, I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about. President Trump commands the respect of the electorate, so much so that they forgave him when he was convicted of so-called sex crimes. And this is as it should be, because just as we are called by Christ to forgive —

[Suddenly DONALD TRUMP, wearing his usual outfit, saunters on the set.]

UPRIGHT: I hate to interrupt you, Mr. Vice President, but look everybody, Donald Trump!

TRUMP: Don’t get up. [Points to PENCE] Remind me to kill you later. [To UPRIGHT] That’s from the Three Stooges, for the kids out there.

[TRUMP address HALEY, SCOTT, and RAMASWAMY.]

You other guys, you play your cards right, one of you could be my colored vice president. Did I say that right? Person of Colored vice president? People are so touchy these days. You’re not touchy, are you, guys?

[All respond quickly:]

SCOTT: Not me!
HALEY: I’m not touchy!
RAMASWAMY: You are a great man, sir, a great man!

[TRUMP points to RAMASWAMY.]

TRUMP: Oh, Robbie Swami Guru, you’re the guy was gonna protest because I might not show up for the debates. You know, if I was you I’d protest the barber who fucked up your head.

[EVERYONE laughs except RAMASWAMY, who gapes and unconsciously slaps his hand to his hair.]

RAMASWAMY: That’s — that’s from Do The Right Thing! You stole that from Spike Lee!

TRUMP: [Shrugs] Never seen it.

[TRUMP leans in on HALEY and SCOTT, who look up at him like baby birds.]

How about it, you guys want the gig?

SCOTT: Yes sir!
HALEY: You know it, sir!

TRUMP: That’s nice, I’m gonna let you sweat a while, though.

[To the camera:]

You know ya gotta keep these people on their toes.

[TRUMP saunters off, waving.]

Awright, that’s it. Free Daniel Penny!

[All the others applaud as he leaves, though RAMASWAMY does so in the crumpled manner of Stephen Boyd at the end of The Oscar.]